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M r - PUNCH'S HISTORY 
OF THE GREAT WAR 






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PEACE— THE SOWER 



M r - PUNCH'S 

HISTORY OF THE 

GREAT WAR 



New York 
FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY 

Publishers 






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Published by arrangement with the Proprietors of "Punch. 



TO THE READER 

For whatsoever worth or wit appears 

In this mixed record of five hectic years, 

This tale of heroes, heroines — and others — 

Thank first u O. S." and then his band of brothers 

Who took their cue, with pencil and with pen. 

From the gay courage of our fighting men. 

Theirs be the praise, not his, who here supplies 

Merely the editorial hooks and eyes 

And, rich by proxy, prodigally spends 

The largess of his colleagues and his friends. 

a l. a. 



PROLOGUE 

THOUGH a lover of peace, Mr. Punch from his earliest 
days has not been unfamiliar with war. He was born 
during the Afghan campaign; in his youth England 
fought side by side with the French in the Crimea; he saw 
the old Queen bestow the first Victoria Crosses in 1857; ne 
was moved and stirred by the horrors and heroisms of the 
Indian Mutiny. A little later on, when our relations with 
France were strained by the Imperialism of Louis Napoleon, 
he had witnessed the rise of the volunteer movement and made 
merry with the activities of the citizen soldier of Brook Green. 
Later on again he had watched, not without grave misgiving, 
the growth of the great Prussian war machine which crushed 
Denmark, overthrew Austria, and having isolated Francfe, 
overwhelmed her heroic resistance by superior numbers and 
science, and stripped her of Alsace-Lorraine. 

In May, 1864, Mr. Punch presented the King of Prussia 
with the "Order of St. Gibbet " for his treatment of Denmark. 

In August of the same year he portrayed the brigands 
dividing the spoil and Prussia grabbing the lion's share, thus 
foreshadowing the inevitable conflict with Austria. 

In the war of 1870-1 he showed France on her knees but 
defying the new Caesar, and arraigned Bismarck before the 
altar of Justice for demanding exorbitant securities. 

And in 1873, when the German occupation was ended by 
the payment of the indemnity, in a flash of prophetic vision 
Mr. Punch pictured France, vanquished but unsubdued, bid- 
ding her conqueror "Au revoir." 

More than forty years followed, years of peace and pros- 
perity for Great Britain, only broken by the South African 
war, the wounds of which were healed by a generous settle- 
ment. But all the time Germany was preparing for "The Day," 
steadily perfecting her war machine, enlarging her armies, 

vii 



Prologue 



creating a great fleet, and piling up colossal supplies of guns 
and munitions, while her professors and historians, harnessed 
to the car of militarism, inflamed the people against England 
as the jealous enemy of Germany's legitimate expansion. 
Abroad, like a great octopus, she was fastening the tentacles 




GAUL TO THE NEW CESAR 

" Defiance, Emperor, while I have strength to hurl it ! " 

(Dec. 17, 1870) 

of permeation and penetration in every corner of the globe, 
honeycombing Russia and Belgium, France, England and 
America with secret agents, spying and intriguing and abusing 
our hospitality. For twenty-five years the Kaiser was our 
frequent and honoured, if somewhat embarrassing, guest, pro- 

viii 




THE REWARD OF (DE)MERIT 

King Punch presenteth Prussia with the Order of "St. Gibbet." 

{May 7, 1864) 



IX 



Prologue 



fessing friendship for England and admiration of her ways, 
shooting at Sandringham, competing at Cowes, sending tele- 
grams of congratulation to the University boat-race winners, 
ingratiating himself with all he met by his social gifts, his 
vivacious conversation, his prodigious versatility and energy. 

Mr. Punch was no enemy of Germany. He remembered 
— none better — the debt we owe to her learning and her art; 
to Bach and Beethoven, to Handel, the "dear Saxon " who 
adopted our citizenship; to Mendelssohn, who regarded 
England as his second home; to her fairy tales and folk-lore; 
to the Brothers Grimm and the Struwwelpeter ; to the old kindly 
Germany which has been driven mad by War Lords and Pan- 
Germans. If Mr. Punch's awakening was gradual he at least 
recognised the dangerous elements in the Kaiser's character 
as far back as October, 1888, when he underlined Bismarck's 
warning against Cassarism. In March, 1890, appeared 
Tenniel's famous cartoon "Dropping the Pilot"; in May of 
the same year the Kaiser appears as the Enfant Terrible of 
Europe, rocking the boat and alarming his fellow-rulers. In 
January, 1892, he is the Imperial Jack-in-the-Box with a finger 
in every pie; in March, 1892, the modern Alexander, who 

Assumes the God, 

Affects to nod, 

And seems to shake the spheres ; 

though unfortunately never nodding in the way that Homer 
did. (This cartoon, by the way, caused Punch to be excluded 
for a while from the Imperial Palace.) 

In February, 1896, Mr. Punch drew the Kaiser as Fidgety 
Will. In January, 1897, he was the Imperial actor-manager 
casting himself for a leading part in Un Voyage en Chine; in 
October of the same year he was "Cook's Crusader," sym- 
pathising with the Turk at the time of the Cretan ultimatum ; 
and in April, 1903, the famous visit to Tangier suggested the 
Moor of Potsdam wooing Morocco to the strains of 

" Unter den Linden " — always at Home, 
"Under the Limelight," wherever I roam. 
x 




"AU REVOIR!" 

Germany : " Farewell, Madam, and if " 

France : " Ha ! We shall meet again ! " 

(Sept. 27, 1873) 



XI 



Prologue 



In 1905 the Kaiser was "The Sower of Tares," the enemy 
of Europe. 

In 1910 he was Teutonising and Prussifying Turkey; in 
191 1 discovering to his discomfort that the Triple Entente was 
a solid fact. 

And in September, 1913, he was shown as unable to dis- 




THE STORY OF FIDGETY WILHELM 

(Up-to-date Version of "Struwwelpeter ") 



" Let me see if Wilhelm can 
Be a little gentleman ; 
Let me see if he is able 
To sit still for once at table ! " 
Feb. 1, 1896. 



"But Fidgety Will 
He won't sit still." 



Just like any bucking horse. 
" Wilhelm ! We are getting 



/e are getting cross ! ' 



semble his disappointment at the defeat of the German-trained 
Turkish army by the Balkan League. 

So, too, with Turkey. From 1876 to 1913 Mr. Punch's 
cartoons on the Near East are one continuous and illuminating 
commentary on Lord Salisbury's historic admission that we 

xii 




THE SOWER OF TARES 

(After Millars, Atis?. 23, 1905) 



XI 11 



Prologue 



had "backed the wrong horse," culminating' in the cartoon 
"Armageddon : a Diversion " in December, 191 2, when Turkey- 
says " Good ! If only all these other Christian nations get at 
one another's throats I may have a dog's chance yet." 
Throughout the entire series the Sick Man remains cynical 
and impenitent, blowing endless bubble-promises of reform 




SOLID 

Germany: " Donnerwetter! It's rock. I thought it was 
going to be paper." {Aug. 2, 1911) 

from his hookah, bullying and massacring his subject races 
whenever he had the chance, playing off the jealousies of the 
Powers, one against the other, to further his own sinister ends. 
Yet Mr. Punch does not wish to lay claim to any special 
prescience or wisdom, for, in spite of lucid intervals of fore- 
sight, we were all deceived by Germany. Nearly fifty years 
of peace had blinded us to fifty years of relentless preparation 
for war. But if we were deceived by the treachery of Germany's 

xiv 



Prologue 



false professions, we had no monopoly of illusion. Germany- 
made the huge mistake of believing that we would stand out 
— that we dared not support France in face of our troubles 
and divisions at home. She counted on the pacific influences 
in a Liberal Cabinet, on the looseness of the ties which bound 
us to our Dominions, on the "contemptible " numbers of our 
Expeditionary Force, on the surrender of Belgium. She had 
willed the War; the tragedy of Sarajevo gave her the excuse. 
There is no longer any need to fix the responsibility. The 
roots of the world conflict which seemed obscure to a neutral 
statesman have long been laid bare by the avowals of the 
chief criminal. The story is told in the Memoir of Prince 
Lichnowsky, in the revelations of Dr. Muehlon of Krupp's, 
in the official correspondence that has come to light since the 
Revolution of Berlin. Germany stands before the bar of 
civilisation as the reus confitens in the cause of light against 
darkness, freedom against world enslavement. 

So the War began, and if "when war begins then hell 
opens," the saying gained a tenfold truth in the greatest War 
of all, when the aggressor at once began to wage it on non- 
combatants, on the helpless and innocent, on women and 
children, with a cold and deliberate ferocity unparalleled in 
history. Let it now be frankly owned that in the shock of this 
discovery Mr. Punch thought seriously of putting up his 
shutters. How could he carry on in a shattered and mourning 
world ? The chronicle that follows shows how it became 
possible, thanks to the temper of all our people in all parts of 
the Empire, above all to the unwavering confidence of our 
sailors and soldiers, to that "wonderful spirit of light-hearted- 
ness, that perpetual sense of the ridiculous " which, in the words 
of one of Mr. Punch's many contributors from the front, 
"even under the most appalling conditions never seemed to 
desert them, and which indeed seemed to flourish more freely 
in the mud and rain of the front line trenches than in the 
comparative comfort of billets or ' cushy jobs.' " Tommy gave 
Mr. Punch his cue, and his high example was not thrown 
away on those at home, where, when all allowance is made for 
shirkers and slackers and scaremongers, callous pleasure- 
seekers, faint-hearted pacificists, rebels and traitors, the great 

xv 



Prologue 



majority so bore themselves as to convince Mr. Punch that it 
was not only a privilege but a duty to minister to mirth even 
at times when one hastened to laugh for fear of being obliged 
to weep. In this resolve he was fortified and encouraged, week 
after week, by the generous recognition of his efforts which 
came from all parts of our far-flung line. 

This is no formal History of the War in the strict or scientific 
sense of the phrase; no detailed record of naval and military 
operations. There have been many occasions on which silence 
or reticence seemed the only way to maintain the national com- 
posure. It is Mr. Punch's History of the Great War, a mirror 
of varying moods, month by month, but reflecting in the main 
how England remained steadfastly true to her best traditions; 
how all sorts and conditions of men and women comported 
themselves throughout the greatest ordeal that had ever 
befallen their race. 



XVI 



M" PUNCH'S 

HISTORY of the GREAT WAR 



August, igi4. 

FOUR weeks ago we stood on the verge of the great up- 
heaval and knew it not. We were thinking of holidays; 
of cricket and golf and bathing, and then were suddenly 
plunged in the deep waters of the greatest of all Wars. It has 
been a month of rude awakening, of revelation, of discovery — 
of many moods varying from confidence to deep misgiving, yet 
dominated by a sense of relief that England has chosen the right 
course. Sir Edward Grey's statement that we meant to stand by 
France and fulfil our obligations to Belgium rallied all parties. 
"Thrice armed is he that hath his quarrel just." The Fleet 
"stands fast" and the vigil of the North Sea has begun. Lord 
Kitchener has gone to the War Office, and in twelve days 
from the declaration of War our Expeditionary Force, the 
best trained and equipped army that England has ever put 
into the field, landed in France. The Dominions and India 
are staunch. Every able-bodied public school boy and under- 
graduate of military age has joined the colours. The Admiralty 
is crowded with living counterparts of Captain Kettle, offering 
their services in any capacity, linking up the Merchant Marine 
with the Royal Navy in one great solidarity of the sea. 

The Empire is sound and united. So far the omens are 
good. But as the days pass the colossal task of the Allies 
becomes increasingly apparent. Peace-loving nations are con- 
fronted by a Power which has prepared for war for forty years, 
equipped in every detail as no Power has ever been equipped 
before, with a docile and well-disciplined people trained to arms, 
fortified by a well-founded belief in their invincibility, reinforced 
D i 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 

by armies of spies in every country, hostile or neutral. We 
are up against the mightiest War-machine of all time, wonderful 
in organisation, joining the savagery of the barbarian to the 
deadliest resources of modern science. The revelation of the 
black soul of Germany is the greatest and the most hideous 
surprise of this month of months, crowning long years of 
treachery and the abuse of hospitality with an orgy of butchery 
and devastation — the torture and massacre of old men, women 
and children, the shooting of hostages, the sack and burning 
of towns and the destruction of ancient seats of learning. Yet 
we feel that in trampling upon heroic Belgium, who dared to 
bar the gate, Germany has outraged the conscience of the world 
and sealed her ultimate doom. 

The month closes in gloom, the fall of Liege, Namur and 
Brussels, the sack of Louvain, and the repulse of the Russian 
raid into East Prussia at Tannenberg following in rapid suc- 
cession. Against these disasters we have to set the brilliant 
engagement in the Heligoland Bight. But the onrush of the 
Germans on the Western front is not stayed, though their time- 
table has been thrown out by the self-sacrifice of the Belgians, 
the steadfast courage of French's "contemptible little army" 
in the retreat from Mons, and the bold decision of Smith- 
Dorrien, who saved the situation at Le Cateau. In these days 
of apprehension and misgiving, clouded by alarming rumours 
of a broken and annihilated army, it sometimes seems as though 
we should never smile again. Where, in a world of blood and 
tears, can Punch exercise his function without outraging the 
fitness of things? These doubts have been with us from the 
beginning, but they are already being resolved by the discovery 
— another of the wonders of the time — that on the very fringes 
of tragedy there is room for cheerfulness. When our fighting 
men refuse to be downhearted in the direst peril, we at home 
should follow their high example, note where we can the 
humours of the fray, and "bear in silence though our hearts 
may bleed." 

Germany in one brief month has given us a wonderful 
exhibition of conscienceless strength, of disciplined ferocity. 
She has shown an equally amazing failure to read the character 
of her foes aright. We now know what German Kultur 

2 




BRAVO, BELGIUM ! 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 

means : but of the soul and spirit of England she knows nothing. 
Least of all does she understand that formidable and incorrigible 
levity which refuses to take hard knocks seriously. It will 
be our privilege to assist in educating our enemies on these 
and other points, even though, as Lord Kitchener thinks, 
it takes three years to do it. The Mad Dog of Europe is 




Medical Officer: "Sorry I must reject you on account of your teeth." 
Would-be-Recruit : " Man, ye're making a gran' mistake. I'm no wanting 
to bite the Germans, I'm wanting to shoot 'em." 



loose, but we remember the fate of the dog who "to serve 
some private ends went mad and bit the man." "The man 
recovered from his bite, the dog it was that died." Meanwhile 
the Official Press Bureau has begun its operations, the Prince 
of Wales's Relief Fund for the relief of those who may suffer 
distress through the war is started, and in the City 

Because beneath grey Northern Skies 

Some grey hulls heave and fall, 
The merchants sell their merchandise 

All just as usual. 



Germany Unmasked 



September, 1914. 

a NOTHER month of revelations and reticences, of carnage 
Z\ and destruction, loss and gain, with the miracle of the 
A- -*- Marne as the first great sign of the turning of the tide. 
On September 3 the Paris Government moved to Bordeaux, 
on the 5th the retreat from Mons ended, on the 13th Joffre, 
always unboastful and laconic, announced the rolling back of 
the invaders, on the 15th the battle of the Aisne had begun. 
What an Iliad of agony, endurance and heroism lies behind 
these dates — the ordeal and deliverance of Paris, the steadfast- 
ness of the "Contemptibles," the martyrdom of Belgium! 

Day by day Germany unmasks herself more clearly in her 
true colours from highest to lowest. The Kaiser reveals him- 
self as a blasphemer and hypocrite, the Imperial crocodile with 
the bleeding heart, the Crown Prince as a common brigand, 
the High Command as chief instigators to ferocity, the rank 
and file as docile instruments of butchery and torture, content 
to use Belgium women as a screen when going into action. 

THE TWO GERMANIES 

Marvellous the utter transformation 
Of the spirit of the German nation ! 

Once the land of poets, seers and sages, 
Who enchant us in their deathless pages, 

Holding high the torch of Truth, and earning 
Endless honour by their zeal for learning. 

Such the land that in an age uncouther 
Bred the soul-emanoipating Luther. 

Such the land that made our debt the greater 
By the gift of Faust and Struwwelpeter. 

Now the creed of Nietzsche, base, unholy, 
Guides the nation's brain and guides it solely. 

Now Mozart's serene and joyous magic 
Yields to Richard Strauss, the hemorrhagic* 



* Great play is made in Strauss's Elektra with the " slippery blood " motive. 

5 



Mr. PuiicJis History of the Great War 



Now the eagle changing to the vulture 
Preaches rapine in the name of culture. 

Now the Prussian Junker, blind with fury, 
Claims to be God's counsel, judge and jury, 

While the authentic German genius slumbers, 
Cast into the limbo of back numbers. 

The campaign of lies goes on with immense energy in all 
neutral countries, for the Kaiser is evidently of opinion that 
the pen is perhaps mightier than the sword. 

At home the great improvisation of the New Armies, under- 
taken by Lord Kitchener in the teeth of much expert criticism, 
goes steadily on. Lord Kitchener asked for 500,000 men, 
and he has got them. On September 10 the House voted 
another half million. The open spaces in Hyde Park are 
given over to training; women are beginning to take the 
place of men. Already the spirit of the new soldiers is 
growing akin to that of the regulars. One of Mr. Punch's 
brigade, who has begun to send his impressions of the mobilised 
Territorials, sums it up very well when he says that, amateurs 
or professionals, they are all very much alike. "Feed them 
like princes and pamper them like babies, and they'll complain 
all the time. But stand them up to be shot at and they'll take 
it as a joke, and rather a good joke, too." Lord Roberts 
maintains a dignified reticence, but that is "Bobs' way " : 

He knew, none better, how 'twould be, 
And spoke his warning far and wide : 

He worked to save us ceaselessly, 
Setting his well-earned ease aside. 

We smiled and shrugged and went our way, 
Blind to the swift approaching blow : 

His every word proves true to-day, 
But no man hears, " I told you so ! " 

Meanwhile General Botha, Boer and Briton too, is on the 
war-path, and we can, without an undue stretch of imagination, 
picture him composing a telegram to the Kaiser in these terms : 
"Just off to repel another raid. Your customary wire of con- 
gratulations should be addressed, ' British Headquarters, Ger- 
man South- West Africa.' " 

6 




GOD (AND THE WOMEN) OUR SHIELD 
Study of a German Gentleman going into Action 



Mr. Punch* s History oj the Great War 



The rigours of the Censorship are pressing hard on war 
correspondents. Official news of importance trickles in in 
driblets : for the rest, newspaper men, miles from the front, 
are driven to eke out their dispatches with negligible trivialities. 
We know that Rheims Cathedral is suffering wanton bombard- 
ment. And a great many of us believe that at least a quarter 
of a million Russians have passed through England on their 
way to France. The number of people who have seen them 




Porter: "Do I know if the Rooshuns has really come to England? Well, 
sir, if this don't prove it, I don't know what do. A train went through here 
full, and when it came back I knowed there'd been Rooshuns in it, 'cause the 
cushions and floors was covered with snow." 

is large : that of those who have seen people who have seen 
them is enormous. 

We gather that the Press Bureau has no notion whether 
the rumour is true or not, and cannot think of any way of 
finding out. But it consents to its publication in the hope 
that it will frighten the Kaiser. Apropos of the Russians we 
learn that they have won a pronounced victory (though not 
by us) at Przemysl. 

Motto for the month : Grattes le Prusse et vous trouveres 
le barbare. 

8 




UNCONQUERABLE 

The Kaiser: "So, you see — you've lost everything. 
The King of the Belgians: " Not my soul." 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 

October, 1914. 

A NTWERP has fallen and the Belgian Government re- 
l\ moved to Havre. But the spirit of the King and his 
-*- -*» army is unshaken. 

Unshaken, too, is the courage of Burgomaster Max of 
Brussels, "who faced the German bullies with the stiffest of 
stiff backs." The Kaiser has been foiled in his hope of witness- 
ing the fall of Nancy, the drive for the Channel ports has 
begun at Ypres, and German submarines have retorted to Mr. 
Churchill's threat to "dig out" the German Fleet " like rats" 
by torpedoing three battleships. Trench warfare is in full and 
deadly swing, but "Thomas of the light heart" refuses to be 
downhearted : 

He takes to fighting- as a game, 

He does no talking through his hat 
Of holy missions : all the same 

He has his faith — be sure of that : 
He'll not disgrace his sporting breed 

Nor play what isn't cricket. There's his creed. 

Last month Lord Kitchener paid a high tribute to the 
growing efficiency of the "Terriers" and their readiness to go 
anywhere. Punch's representative with the "Watch Dogs" 
fully bears out this praise. They have been inoculated and 
are ready to move on. Some suggest India, others Egypt. 
"But what tempted the majority was the thought of a season's 
shooting without having to pay for so much as a gun licence, 
and so we decided for the Continent." 

News from the front continues scanty, and Joffre's laconic 
communiques might in sum be versified as follows : 

On our left wing the state of things remains 

Unaltered on a general review, 
Our losses in the centre match our gains, 

And on our right wing there is nothing new. 

Nor do we gain much enlightenment from the "Eye- 
witness" with G.H.Q., though his literary skill in elegantly 
describing the things that do not matter moves our admiration. 

10 



Prophecies and Miracles 



W> i 




Officer 
Recruit 
Officer 
self ? " 
Recruit 



THE BULL-DOG BREED 

" Now, my lad, do you know what you are placed here for ? " 

"To prevent the henemy from landin', sir." 

" And do you think you could prevent him landing all by your- 

" Don't know, sir, I'm sure. But I'd have a damn good try!" 



The Kaiser's sons continue to distinguish themselves as first- 
class looters, and the ban laid on the English language, in- 
cluding very properly the word "gentleman," has been lifted 
in favour of Wilhelm Shakespeare. 

The prophets are no longer so optimistic in predicting 
when the War will end. One of Mr. Punch's young men 
suggests Christmas, 1918. But 500 German prisoners have 
arrived at Templemore, co. Tipperary. It's a long, long way, 
but they've got there at last. 



T 



November, 19 14. 

HE miracle of the Marne has been followed by another 
miracle — that of Ypres. Outgunned and outnumbered, 
our thin line has stemmed the rush to the sea. 
The road to Calais has been blocked like that to Paris. 

11 



Mr. Punch s History of the Great War 



Heartening news comes from afar of the fall of Tsing-tau before 
our redoubtable Japanese allies, and with it the crumbling of 
Germany's scheme of an Oriental Empire; of the British occu- 
pation of Basra; and of the sinking of the Emden, thanks to 
the "good hunting ".of the Sydney — the first fruits of Australian 
aid. A new enemy has appeared in Turkey, but her defection 
has its consolations. It is something to be rid of an "unspeak- 
able " incubus full of promises of reform never fulfilled, "sick " 
but unrepentant, always turning European discord to bloody 
account at the expense of her subject nationalities : in all 
respects a fitting partner for her ally and master. 

At sea our pain at the loss of the Good Hope and Monmouth 
off Coronel is less than our pride in the spirit of the heroic 
Cradock, true descendant of Grenville and Nelson, prompt to 
give battle against overwhelming odds. The soul of the "Navy 
Eternal" draws fresh strength from his example. So, too, 
does the Army from the death of Lord Roberts, the "happy 
warrior," who passed away while visiting the Western front. 
The best homage we can pay him is not grief or 

Vain regret for counsel given in vain, 
But service of our lives to keep her free 

The land fie served : a pledge above his grave 
To give her even such a gift as he, 

The soul of loyalty, gave. 

Even the Germans have paid reluctant tribute to one who, 
as Bonar Law said in the House, "was in real life all, and 
more than all, that Colonel Newcome was in fiction." He was 
the exemplar in excelsis of those "bantams," "little and good," 
who, after being rejected for their diminutive stature, are now 
joining up under the new regulations : 

Apparently he's just as small, 

But since his size no more impedes him 

In spirit he is six foot tall — 
Because his country needs him. 

We have begun to think in millions. The war is costing 
a million a day. The Chancellor of the Exchequer has launched 
a war loan of 230 millions and doubled our income tax. The 

12 




THE EXCURSIONIST 

Tripper Wilhelm: "First Class to Paris." 
Clerk: " Line blocked." 
Wilhelm : " Then make it Warsaw." 
Clerk: "Line blocked." 
Wilhelm: "Well, what about Calais ? " 
Clerk: " Line blocked." 

Wilhelm: "Hang it! I must go somewhere/ I promised my 
people I would." 

13 



Mr. Punclis History of the Great War 



Prime Minister asks for an addition of a million men to the 
Regular Army. But the country has not yet fully awakened 
to the realities of war. Football clubs are concerned with the 
"jostling of the ordinary patrons" by men in uniform. "Busi- 
ness as usual" is interpreted as "pleasure as usual " in some 
quarters. Rumour is busy with stories of mysterious prisoners 
in the Tower, with tales of huge guns which are to shell us 
from Calais when the Germans get there; with reports (from 
neutral sources) of the speedy advent of scores of Zeppelins 
and hundreds of aeroplanes over London. But though 

Old England's dark o' nights and short 

Of 'buses : still she's much the sort 
Of place we always used to know. 

It 



is otherwise 
with Belgium, with 
its shattered homes 
and wrecked towns. 
The great Russian 
legend is still go- 
ing strong, in spite 
of the statements 
of the Under- 
Secretary for War, 
and, after all, why 
should the Ger- 
mans do all the 
story telling ? By 
the way, a " German 
Truth Society " has 
been founded. It 
is pleasant to know 
that it is realised 
over there at last 
that there i s a 
difference between 
Truth and German 
Truth. The British 
Navy, we learn 
from the Kolnische 




T.B.D. 

Officer's Steward: "Will you take your bath, 



sir, before or after haction ? 



14 



Coronet Avenged 



Zeitung, "is in hiding." But our fragrant contemporary need 
not worry. In due course the Germans shall have the hiding. 

Income ways the unchanged spirit of our people is rather 
disconcerting. One of Mr. Punch's young men, happening 
to meet a music-hall acquaintance, asked him how he thought 
the war was going, and met with the answer: " Oh, I think 
the managers will have to give in." And the proposal to 
change the name of Berlin Road at Lewisham has been rejected 
bv the residents. 



I 



December, igi4- 

N less than six weeks Coronel has been avenged at the battle 
of the Falkland Islands : 

Hardened steel are our ships; 

Gallant tars are our men; 
We never are wordy 

(Sturdee, boys, Sturdee !), 
But quietly conquer again and again. 

Here at least we can salute the vanquished. Admiral von 
Spee, who went down with his doomed squadron, was a gallant 
and chivalrous antagonist, like Captain Miiller, of the Emden. 
Germany's retort, eight days later, by bombarding Scarborough 
and Whitby, reveals the normal Hun : 

Come where you will — the seas are wide ; 

And choose your Day — they're all alike; 
You'll find us ready when we ride 

In calm or storm and wait to strike ; 
But — if of shame your shameless Huns 

Can yet retrieve some casual traces — 
Please fight our men and ships and guns, 

Not womenfolk and watering places. 

Austria's "punitive expedition" has ended in disaster for 
the Austrians. They entered Belgrade on the 2nd, and were 
driven out twelve days later by the Serbs. King George has 

15 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



paid his first visit to the front, and made General Foch a 
G.C.B. We know that the General is a great authority on 
strategy, and that his name, correctly pronounced, rhymes 
with Boche, as hero with Nero. He is evidently a man likely 
to be heard of again. Another hitherto unfamiliar name that 
has cropped up is that of Herr Lissauer, who, for writing a 
" Hymn of Hate " against England, has been decorated by the 
Kaiser. This shows true magnanimity on the part of the 
Kaiser, in his capacity of King of Prussia, since the "Hymn 
of Hate " turns out to be a close adaptation of a poem composed 
by a Saxon patriot, in which Prussia, not England, was held 
up to execration. 

Kitchener's great improvisation is already bearing fruit, and 
the New Armies are flocking to the support of the old. Indian 
troops are fighting gallantly in three continents. King Albert 
"the unconquerable," in the narrow strip of his country that 
still belongs to him, waits in unshaken faith for the coming 
of the dawn. And as Christmas draws on the thoughts of 
officers and men in the waterlogged trenches turn fondly home- 
ward to mothers, wives and sweethearts : 

Cheer up! I'm calling far away; 

And wireless you can hear. 
Cheer up ! You know you'd have me stay 
And keep on trying day by day ; 

We're winning, never fear. 

Christmas at least brings the children's truce, and that is some- 
thing to be thankful for, but it is not the Christmas that we 
knew and long for : 

ON EARTH— PEACE 

No stir of wings sweeps softly by ; 

No angel comes with blinding light; 
Beneath the wild and wintry sky 

No shepherds watch their flocks to-night. 

In the dull thunder of the wind 

We hear the cruel guns afar, 
But in the glowering' heavens we find 

No guiding-, solitary star. 
16 




THE CHILDREN'S PEACE 

Peace: "I'm glad that they, at least, have their Christmas 
unspoiled." 



17 



Mr. Punch* s History of the Great War 



But lo ! on this our Lord's birthday, 
Lit by the glory whence she came, 

Peace, like a warrior, stands at bay, 
A swift, defiant, living- flame ! 

Full-armed she stands in shining mail, 

Erect, serene, unfaltering still, 
Shod with a strength that cannot fail, 

Strong- with a fierce o'ermastering will. 

Where shattered homes and ruins be 

She fights through dark and desperate days ; 

Beside the watchers on the sea 
She guards the Channel's narrow ways. 

Through iron hail and shattering shell, 
Where the dull earth is stained with red, 

Fearless she fronts the gates of Hell 
And shields the unforgotten dead. 

So stands she, with her all at stake, 

And battles for her own dear life, 
That by one victory she may make 

For evermore an end of strife. 

Yet we have our minor war gains in the temporary dis- 
appearance of cranks and faddists, some of whom have sunk 
without a ripple. And though the Press Censor's suppressions 
and delays and inconsistencies provoke discontent in the House 
and out of it, food for mirth turns up constantly in unexpected 
quarters. The Crown Prince tells an American interviewer 
that there is no War Party in Germany, nor has there ever been. 
The German General Staff have begun to disguise set-backs 
under the convenient euphemism that the situation has 
developed "according to expectation." An English village 
worthy, discussing the prospects of invasion, comes to the 
reassuring conclusion that "there can't be no battle in these 
parts, Jarge, for there bain't no field suitable, as you may say; 
an' Squire, 'e won't lend 'em the use of 'is park." The troubles 
of neutrality are neatly summed up in a paper in a recent 
geography examination. "Holland is a low country, in fact 
it is such a very low country that it is no wonder that it is 
dammed all round." 

.18 



Trials on the Home Front 



The trials of mistresses on the home front are happily- 
described in the reply of a child to a small visitor who inquired 
after her mother. "Thank you, poor mummie's a bit below 
herself this morning — what with the cook and the Kaiser." 




Pompous Lady: "I shall descend at Knightsbridge." 
Tommy (aside) : " Takes 'erself for a bloomin' Zeppelin ! " 

We have to thank an ingenious correspondent for drawing 
up the following "credibility index" for the guidance of 
perplexed newspaper readers : 

London, Paris, or Petrograd (official) 

,, ,, ,, (semi-official) 

Berlin (official) 

It is believed in military circles here that — 

A correspondent that has just returned from the firing-line tells 

me that — 

Our correspondent at Rome announces that — 

Berlin (unofficial) 

I learn from a neutral merchant that — 

A story is current in Venice to the effect that — 

It is rumoured that — 

19 



100 
5o 

25 

24 

18 
11 
10 

7 
5 

4 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



I have heard to-day from a reliable source that — 3 

I learn on unassailable authority that — 2 

It is rumoured in Rotterdam that — ... 1 

Wolff's Bureau states that — o 



January, 1915. 

GENERAL VON KLUCK "never got round on the 
right." Calais is Calais still, and the Kaiser, if he still 
wishes to give it a new name, may call it the "Never, 
Never Land." "General Janvier" is doing his worst, but our 
men are sticking it out through slush and slime. As for the 
Christmas truce and fraternisation, the British officer who 
ended a situation that was proving impossible by presenting a 
dingy Saxon with a copy of Punch in exchange for a packet 
of cigarettes, acted with a wise candour: 

For there he found, our dingy friend, 

Amid the trench's sobering- slosh, 
What must have left him, by the end, 

A wiser, if a sadder, Boche, 
Seeing himself, with chastened mien, 
In that pellucid well of Truth serene. 

There can be no "fraternising" with Fritz until he realises 
that he has been fooled by his War Lords; and his awakening 
is a long way off. Lord Kitchener has been charged with being 
"very economical in his information " vouchsafed to the Lords, 
but it is well to be rid of illusions. This has not been a month 
of great events. General Joffre is content with this ceaseless 
"nibbling." The Kaiser, nourished by the flattery of his tame 
professors, encourages the war on non-combatants. 

The Turks are beginning to show a gift for euphemism in 
disguising their reverses in the Caucasus, which shows that 
they have nothing to learn from their masters; Austria, badly 
mauled by the Serbians, addresses awful threats to Roumania; 
and the United States has issued a warning Note on neutral 
trading. But the American Eagle is not the Eagle that we 
are up against. 

20 




THE FLIGHT THAT FAILED 

The Emperor: "What! No babes, Sirrah ? " 

The Murderer: " Alas, Sire, none." 

The Emperor : " Well, then, no babes, no iron crosses." 

[Exit luuvdcvey, discouraged.) 



2 I 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



The number of Mr. Punch's correspondents on active service 
steadily grows. Some of them are at the Western front; others 
are still straining at the leash at home; another of the Punch 
brigade, with the very first battalion of Territorials to land in 
India, has begun to send his impressions of the shiny land ; 
of friendly natives and unfriendly ants ; of the disappointment 
of being relegated to clerical duties instead of going to the 
front; of the evaporation of visions of military glory in the 
routine of typing, telephoning and telegraphing; of leisurely 
Oriental methods. Being a soldier clerk in India is very 
different from being a civilian clerk in England. Patience, 
good Territorials in India, your time will come. 

At home, though the "knut" has been commandeered and 
nobly transmogrified, though women are increasingly occupied 
in war work and entering with devotion and self-sacrifice on 
their new duties as substitutes for men, we have not yet been 
wholly purged of levity and selfishness. Football news has 
not receded into its true perspective; shirkers are more pre- 




THE SHIRKERS' WAR NEWS 

There! What did I tell you? Northdown Lambs beaten — two to nothing." 

22 



Germany and her Pigs 



occupied with the defeat or victory of "Lambs" or "Wolves" 
in Lancashire than with the stubborn defence, the infinite dis- 
comfort and the heavy losses of their brothers in Flanders. 

Overdressed fashionables pester wounded officers and men 
with their unreasonable visits and futile queries. The enemies 
in our midst are not all aliens; there are not a few natives we 
should like to see interned. 

The Kaiser has had his first War birthday and, as the 
Prussian Government has ordered that there shall be no public 
celebrations, this confirms the rumours that he now wishes he 
had never been born. 

Germany, says the Cologne Gazette in an article on the 
food question, "has still at hand a very large supply of pigs " — 
even after the enormous number she has exported to Belgium. 
Germany, however, does not only export pigs; her trade in 
"canards" with neutrals grows and grows, chiefly with the 
United States, thanks to the untiring mendacity of Bernstorff 
and Wolff. Compared with these efforts, the revelations of 
English governesses at German courts, which are now finding 
their way into print, make but a poor show. 

As the British armies increase, the moustache of the British 
officer, one of the most astonishing products of these 
astonishing times, grows "small by degrees and beautifully 
less." Waxed ends, fashionable in a previous generation, are 
now only worn by policemen, taxi-drivers and labour leaders. 
The Kaiser remains faithful to the Mephistophelean form. But 
in proof of his desire to make the best of both worlds, nether and 
celestial, he continues to commandeer " Gott " on every occasion 
as his second in command. Out-Heroding Herod as a murderer 
of innocents, he enters into a competition of piety with his 
grandfather. For we should not forget that the first German 
Emperor's messages to his wife in the Franco-Prussian War 
were once summed up by Mr. Punch : 

Ten thousand French have gone below; 
Praise God from Whom all blessingfs flow. 



23 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



J 



Febrttary, 1915. 

ANUARY ended with a knock for the Germans off the 
Dogger Bank, when the Blilcher was sunk by our Battle- 
Cruiser Squadron : 

They say the Lion and the Tiger sweep 
Where once the Huns shelled babies from the deep, 
And Blilcher, that great cruiser — 12-inch guns 
Roar o'er his head, but cannot break his sleep. 

And now it is the turn of "Johnny Turk," who has had 
his knock on the Suez Canal, and failed to solve the Riddle of 
the Sands under German guidance. Having safely locked up 
his High Seas Fleet in the Kiel Canal, the Kaiser has ordered 
the U-boat blockade of England to begin by the torpedoing of 
neutral as well as enemy merchant ships. 

You may know a man by the company he keeps, and the 
Kaiser's friends are now the Jolly Roger and Sir Roger 
Casement. 

Valentine's Day has come and gone. Here are some lines 
from a damp but undefeated lover in the trenches : 

Though the glittering knight whose charger 

Bore him on his lady's quest 
With an infinitely larger 

Share of warfare's pomp was blest, 
Yet he offered love no higher, 

No more difficult to quench, 
Than the filthy occupier 

Of this unromantic trench. 

The fusion of classes in the camps of the New Armies outdoes 
the mixture of "cook's son and duke's son" fifteen years ago. 
The old Universities are now given up to a handful of coloured 
students, Rhodes' scholars and reluctant crocks. As a set-off, 
however, a Swansea clergyman and football enthusiast has held 
a "thanksgiving service for their good fortune against Newcastle 
United." Meanwhile, the Under-Secretary for War has stated 
that the army costs more in a week than the total estimates for 
the Waterloo campaign, and that our casualties on the Western 

24 




RUNNING AMOK 

German Bull : " I know I'm making a rotten exhibition of my- 
self ; but I shall tell everybody I was goaded into it." 



25 



Mr. Punch s History of the Great War 



front alone have amounted to over 100,000. So what with 
submarine losses, ubiquitous German spies, the German 
propaganda in America, and complaints of Government 
inactivity, the pessimists are having a fine time. Tommy 
grouses of course, but then he complains far more of the loss 
of a packet of cigarettes or a tin of peppermints or a mouth- 
organ than of the loss of a limb. 

Germany's attitude towards the United States tempers the 
blandishments of the serenader with the occasional discharge 
of half-bricks. There is no such inconsistency in the expression 
of her feelings about England. Articles entitled " Unser Hass 
gegen England " constantly appear in the German Press, and 
people are beginning to wonder whether the Hass is not the 
Kaiser. Apropos of newspapers, we are beginning to harbour 
a certain envy of the Americans. Even their provincial organs 
often contain important and cheering news of the doings of 
the British Army many days before the Censor releases the 
information in England. Daylight saving is again being talked 
of, and it would surely be an enormous boon to rush the 
measure through now so that the Germans may have less 
darkness of which to take advantage. And there is a general 
and reasonable feeling that more use should be made of bands 
for recruiting. The ways of German musicians are perplexing. 
Here is the amiable Herr Humperdinck, composer of "Hansel 
and Gretel," the very embodiment of the old German kindliness, 
signing the Manifesto of patriotic artists and professors who 
execrate England, while Strauss, the truculent "Mad Mullah" 
of the Art, holds aloof. Dr. Hans Richter, who enjoyed 
English hospitality so long, now clamours for our extinction ; 
it is even said that he has asked to be allowed to conduct a 
Parsifal airship to this country. 



March, igi$. 

ANEW and possibly momentous chapter has opened in 
the history of the War by the attempt to force the 
Dardanelles. At the end of February the Allied Fleet 
bombarded the forts at the entrance, and landed a party of 

26 




27 



Mr. Pundis History of the Great War 



bluejackets. Since then these naval operations have been 
resumed, and our new crack battleship Queen Elisabeth has 
joined in the attack. We have not got through the Narrows, 
and some sceptical critics are asking what we should do if we 
got through to Constantinople, without a land force. It is a 
great scheme, if it comes off; and the "only begetter" of it, 
if report is true, is Mr. Winston Churchill, the strategist of the 
Antwerp expedition, who now aspires to be the Dardanelson 
of our age. Anyhow, the Sultan, lured on by the Imperial 
William o' the Wisp, is already capable of envying even his 
predecessor : 

Abdul ! I would that I had shared your plight, 

Or Europe seen my heels, 
Before the hour when Allah bound me tight 

To William's chariot-wheels ! 

Germany, always generous with other people's property, 
has begun to hint to Italy possibilities of compensation in the 
shape of certain portions of Austro-Hungarian territory. She 
has also declared that she is "fighting for the independence of 
the small nations," including, of course, Belgium. In further 
evidence of her humanity she has taken to spraying our soldiers 
in the West with flaming" petrol and squirting boiling pitch over 
our Russian allies. It is positively a desecration of the word 
devil to apply it to the Germans whether on land, on or under 
water, or in the air. 

We have begun to "push " on the Western front, and Neuve 
Chapelle has been captured, after a fierce battle and at terrible 
cost. Air raids are becoming common in East Anglia and 
U-boats unpleasantly active in the North Sea. Let us take 
off our hats to the mine-sweepers and trawlers, the new and 
splendid auxiliaries of the Royal Navy. Grimsby is indeed a 
" name to resound for ages " for what its fishermen have done 
and are doing in the war against mine and submarine : 

Soles in the Silver Pit — an' there we'll let 'em lie; 
Cod on the Dogger — oh, we'll fetch 'em by an' by; 
War on the water — an' it's time to serve an' die, 

For there's wild work doin' on the North Sea ground. 

28 




WILLIAM O' THE WISP 



29 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



An' it's "Wake up, Johnnie!" they want you at the trawlin' 
(With your long sea-boots and your tarry old tarpaulin) ; 
All across the bitter seas duty comes a-callin' 

In the Winter's weather off the North Sea ground. 
It's well we've learned to laugh at fear — the sea has taught us how; 
It's well we've shaken hands with death — we'll not be strangers now, 
With death in every climbin' wave before the trawler's bow, 

An' the black spawn swimmin-' on the North Sea ground. 

These brave men and their heroic brothers in the trenches 
are true sportsmen as well as patriots, not those who interpret 
the need of lightheartedness by the cult of "sport as usual " on 
the football field and the racecourse. And the example of the 
Universities shines with the same splendour. Of the scanty 
remnant that remain at Oxford and Cambridge all the physically 
lit have joined the O.T.C. Boat-race day has passed, but the 
crews are gone to "keep it long" and "pull it through" 
elsewhere : 

Not here their hour of great emprise; 

No' mounting cheer towards Mortlake roars ; 
Lulled to full tide the river lies 

Unfretted by the fighting oars ; 
The long high toil of strenuous play 

Serves England elsewhere well to-day. 

London changes daily. The sight of the female Jehu 
is becoming familiar; the lake in St. James's Park has been 
drained and the water-fowl driven to form a concentration camp 
by the sorry pool that remains beside the Whitehall Gate. 

Spy-hunting is prevalent in East Anglia, but the amateurs 
have not achieved any convincing results. Spring poets are 
suffering from suspended animation ; there is a slump in 
crocuses, snowdrops, daffodils and lambkins. Their "musings 
always turn away to men who're arming for the fray." The 
clarion and the fife have ousted the pastoral ode. And our 
military and naval experts, harassed by the Censor, take refuge 
in psychology. 

The Kolnische Zeitung has published a whole article on 
"Mr. Punch." The writer, a Herr Professor, finds our cartoons 
lacking in "modest refinement." Indeed, he goes so far as to 

30 



Luther s Criticism 



say that the treatment of the Kaiser savours of blasphemy. 
One is so apt to forget that the Kaiser is a divinity, so prone 
to remember that Luther wrote, "We Germans are Germans, 




THE WAR SPIRIT AT THE BRITISH MUSEUM 

Ardent Egyptologist (who has lately joined the Civic Guard) : " No, 1 
seem to have lost my enthusiasm for this group since 1 noticed Bes-Hathor- 
Horus was out of step with the other two." 

and Germans we will remain — that is to say, pigs and brutish 
animals." This was written in 1528: but "the example of the 
Middle Ages " is held up to-day by German leaders as the true 
fount of inspiration. 



April, igi$. 

A HUNDRED years ago Bismarck was born on April 1, 
the man who built with blood and iron, but now only 
the blood remains. Yet one may doubt whether even 
that strong and ruthless pilot would have commended the 



Mr. Punch 's History of the Great War 



submarine crew who sank the liner Falaba and laughed at the 
cries and struggles of drowning men and women. Sooner or 
later these crews are doomed to die the death of rats : 

But you, who sent them out to do this shame; 

From whom they take their orders and their pay; 
For you — avenging- wrath defers its claim, 

And Justice bides her day. 

The tide of "f rightfulness " rolls strong on land as on sea. 
The second battle of Ypres has begun and the enemy has 
resorted to the use of a new weapon — poison gas. He had 
already poisoned wells in South West Africa, but this is an 
uglier outcome of the harnessing of science to the Powers of 
Darkness. Italy grows restive in spite of the blandishments 
of Prince Biilow, and as the month closes we hear of the landing 
of the Allies in Gallipoli, just two months after the unsupported 
naval attempt to force the Dardanelles. British and Australian 
and New Zealand troops have achieved the impossible by 
incredible valour in face of murderous fire, and a foothold has 
been won at tremendous cost of heroic lives. Letters from the 
Western front continue cheerful, but it does not need much 
reading between the lines to realise the odds with which our 
officers and men have to contend, the endless discomfort and 
unending din. They are masters of a gallant art of metaphor 
which belittles the most appalling horrors of trench warfare ; 
masters, too, of the art of extracting humorous relief from the 
most trivial incidents. 

On the home front we have to contend with a dangerous 
ally of the enemy in Drink, and with the self-advertising 
politicians who do their bit by asking unnecessary questions. 
Sometimes, but rarely, they succeed in eliciting valuable in- 
formation, as in Mr. Lloyd George's statement on the situation 
at the front. We have now six times as many men in the field 
as formed the original Expeditionary Force, and in the few 
days fighting round Neuve Chapelle almost as much ammuni- 
tion was expended by our guns as in the whole of the two and 
three-quarter years of the Boer War. 

The Kaiser has been presented with another grandson, but 
it has not been broken to the poor little fellow who he is. It is 

32 




THE HAUNTED SHIP 

Ghost of the Old Pilot : " I wonder if he would drop me now /" 



D 



33 



Mr. PuncKs History of the Great War 



also reported that the Kaiser has bestowed an Iron Cross on 
a learned pig — one of a very numerous class. 



May, 1913. 

WE often think that we must have got to the end of 
German "frightfulness," only to have our illusions 
promptly shattered by some fresh and amazing 
explosion of calculated ferocity. Last month it was poison gas; 
now it is the sinking of the Lusitania. Yet Mr. Punch had read 
the omens some seven and a half years ago, when the records 
established by that liner had created a jealousy in Ger- 
many which the Kaiser and 
his agents have now ap- 
peased, but at what a cost ! 
The House of Commons is an 
odd place, unique in its char- 
acteristics. Looking round 
the benches when it reas- 
sembled on May 10th, and 
noting the tone and purport 
of the inquiries addressed to 
the First Lord, one might 
well suppose that nothing re- 
markable had happened since 
Parliament adjourned. The 
questions were numerous but 
all practical, and as unemo- 
tional as if they referred to 
outrages by a newly-dis- 
covered race of fiends in 
human shape peopling Mars 
or Saturn. The First Lord, 
equally undemonstrative, an- 
nounced that the Board of 
Trade have ordered an in- 
quiry into the circumstances 




ikt 

Mcn'tlikttU 
lUSlTANI/C! 



AN OMEN OF 1908 

Reproduced from " Christmas Cards 

for Celebrities," in Mr. Punch's 

Almanack of that year. 



34 




HAMLET U.S.A. 

Scene : The Ramparts of the White House. 
President Wilson : " The time is out of joint, O cursed spite, 

That ever I was born to set it right ! " 
Voice of Roosevelt (off) : " That's so ! " 



35 



Mr. Punch 's History of the Great Ww 



attending the disaster. Pending the result, it would be pre- 
mature to discuss the matter. Here we have the sublimation of 
officialism and national phlegm. Of the 1,200 victims who went 
down in this unarmed passenger ship about 200 were Americans. 
What will America say or do? 

In silence you have looked on felon blows, 

On butcher's work of which the waste lands reek ! 

Now in God's name, from Whom your greatness flows, 
Sister, will you not speak? 

Many unofficial voices have been raised in horror, indigna- 
tion, and even in loud calls for intervention. The leaven works, 
but President Wilson, though not unmoved, gives little sign 
of abandoning his philosophic neutrality. 

In Europe it is otherwise. Italy has declared war on 
Austria ; her people have driven the Government to take the 
path of freedom and honour and break the shackles of 
Germanism in finance, commerce and politics. 

Italy has not declared war on Germany yet, but the fury of 
the German Press is unbounded, and for the moment Germany's 
overworked Professors of Hate have focused their energies on 
the new enemy, and its army of "vagabonds, convicts, ruffians 
and mandolin-players," conveniently forgetting that the spirit 
of Garibaldi is still an animating force, and that the King 
inherits the determination of his grandfather and namesake. 

On the Western front the enemy has been repulsed at Ypres. 
Lord Kitchener has asked for another 300,000 men, and speaks 
confidently of our soon being able to make good the shortage 
of ammunition. 

On the Eastern front the Grand Duke Nicholas has been 
forced to give ground; in Gallipoli slow progress is being made 
at heavy cost on land and sea. The Turk is a redoubtable 
trench fighter and sniper; the difficulties of the terrain are 
indescribable, yet our men continue the epic struggle with 
unabated heroism. King Constantine of Greece, improved in 
health, construes his neutrality in terms of ever increasing 
benevolence to his brother-in-law the Kaiser. 

At home the great event has been the formation of a 
Coalition Government — a two-handed sword, as we hope, to 

36 




r©ws 



<s wTt/^m** -7'y 



THE REWARD OF KULTUR 



37 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



smite the enemy; while practical people regard it rather as a 
"Coal and Ammunition Government." The cost of the War 
is now Two Millions a day, and a new campaign of Posters 
and Publicity has been inaugurated to promote recruiting. 
Volunteers, with scant official recognition, continue their 
training on foot; the Hurst Park brigade continue their 
activities, mainly on rubber wheels. An evening paper 
announces : 

VICTORY IN GALLIPOLI. 
LATE WIRE FROM CHESTER. 

Mr. Punch is prompted to comment : 

For these our Army does its bit, 

While they in turn peruse 
Death's honour-roll (should time permit) 

After the Betting News. 

More agreeable is the sportsmanship of the trenches, where 
a correspondent tells of the shooting of a hare and the recovery 
of the corpse, by a reckless Tommy, from the turnip-field which 
separated our trenches from those of Fritz. 

Amongst other signs of the times the emergence of the Spy 
Play is to be noted, in which the alien enemy within our gates 
is gloriously confounded. Yet, if a certain section of the Press 
is to be believed, the dark and sinister operations of the Hidden 
Hand continue unchecked. 

The Germans as unconscious humorists maintain their 
supremacy hors concours. A correspondent of the Cologne 
Gazette was with other journalists recently entertained to dinner 
in a French villa by the Crown Prince Rupprecht of Bavaria. 
"The party, while dining," we are told, "talked of the defects 
of French taste, and Prince Rupprecht said that French houses 
were full of horrors." True, O Prince, but the French are 
determined to drive them out. Better still, in the month which 
witnessed the sinking of the Lusitania we read this panegyric 
of the Teuton in Die Welt: "Clad in virtue and in peerless 
nobility of character, unassailed by insidious enemies either 
within or without, girded about by the benign influences of 
Kultur, the German, whether soldier or civilian, pursues his 
destined way, fearless and serene." 

38 



The Lesson of Karlsruhe 



June, 1915. 

THE weeks that have passed since the sinking of tne 
Lusitania have left Germany not merely impenitent but 
glorying in her crime. "The destruction of the 
Lusitania/' says Herr Baumgarten, Professor of Theology, 
"should be greeted with jubilation and enthusiastic cheering, 
and everybody who does not cheer is no real or true German." 
Many harsh things have been said of the Germans, but nothing 
quite so bitter as this suggestion for a test of nationality. But 
while Germany jubilates, her Government is painfully anxious 
to explain everything to the satisfaction of America. The 
conversations between the two Powers are continuous but 
abortive. President Wilson's dove has returned to him, with 
the report "Nothing doing," and the American eagle looks as 
if he would like to take on the job. 

Germany has had her first taste of real retaliation in the 
bombardment of Karlsruhe by Allied airmen, and is furiously 
indignant at the attack on an "unfortified and peaceful " town — 
which happens to be the headquarters of the 14th German Army 
Corps and to contain an important arsenal as well as large 
chemical, engineering and railway works. Also she is very 
angry with Mr. Punch, and has honoured him and other British 
papers with a solemn warning. Our performances, it seems, 
are "diligently noted, so that when the day of reckoning arrives 
we shall know with whom we have to deal, and how to deal 
with them effectually." It is evident that in spite of Italy's entry 
into the war the mass of the Germans are still true to their old 
hate of England. 

But Germany does not merely talk. She has been indulging 
in drastic reprisals in consequence of Mr. Winston Churchill's 
memorandum on the captured submarine crews. As a result 
39 imprisoned British officers, carefully selected, have been 
subjected to solitary confinement under distressing conditions 
in return for Mr. Churchill's having hinted at possible 
severities which were never carried out. Moral : Do not threaten 
unless you mean to act. The retirement of Mr. Churchill to 
the seclusion of the Duchy of Lancaster and the appointment 
of Mr. Balfour to the First Lordship of the Admiralty afford 
hope that the release of the Thirty-Nine from their special 

39 



Mr. PuncHs History of the Great War 



hardship will not be unduly postponed. The Coalition Govern- 
ment is shaking down. A Ministry of Munitions has been 
created, with Mr. Lloyd George in charge; and members of 
the Cabinet have decided to pool their salaries with a view to 




ON THE BLACK LIST 

Kaiser (as executioner) : " I'm going to hang you." 
Punch : " Oh, you are, are you ? Well, you don't seem to 
know how the scene ends. It's the hangman that gets hanged." 

their being divided equally. Mr. McKenna has made his first 
appearance as Chancellor of the Exchequer and introduced a 
Bill authorising the raising of a War Loan unlimited in extent, 
but, being a man of moderate views, will be satisfied if nine 
hundred millions are forthcoming. Lord Haldane has been 

40 




SOME BIRD 

The Returning Dove (to President Woodrow Noah) 
Nothing doing." 

The Eagle: "Say, Boss, what's the matter with trying me?' 



41 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



succeeded in the Lord Chancellorship by Lord Buckmaster, 
having caused by one unfortunate phrase a complete oblivion 
of all the services rendered by his creation of the Territorial 
system. The cry for "more men " has now changed to one 
for "more shells," and certain newspapers, always in search 
of a scapegoat, have entered on a campaign directed against 
Lord Kitchener, the very man whom a few short months ago 
they hailed as the saviour of the situation. Finding that the 
public cannot live on their hot air, they are doing their best 
to make our flesh creep and keep our feet cold. Let us hope 
that K. of K. will find the Garter some slight protection 
against this hitting below the belt. 

The Russian retreat continues, but there is no debacle. 
Greece shows signs of returning sanity in the restoration to 
power of her one strong man, M. Venizelos. If there were a 
few more like him then (to adapt Porson) "the Germanised 
Greek would be sadly to seek." As it is, he flourishes 
exceedingly, under the patronage of a Prussianised Court. 

In Gallipoli the deadly struggle goes on ; our foothold has 
been strengthened by bitter fighting and our lines pushed 
forward for three miles by a few hundred yards — a big advance 
in modern trench warfare. Blazing heat and a plague of flies 
add to the discomforts of our men, but a new glory has been 
added to the ever growing vocabulary of the war in "Anzac." 
There is a lull on the Western front, if such a word properly 
can be applied to the ceaseless activities of the war of position, 
of daily strafe and counter-strafe. 

At home, khaki weddings are becoming common form. By 
an inversion of the old order the bride is now eclipsed by the 
bridegroom : 

'Tis well : the lack of fine array 

Best fits a sacrificial altar; 
Her man to-morrow joins the fray, 

And yet she does not falter; 
Simple her gown, but still we see 
The bride in all her bravery. 

Society is losing much of its snap through the political truce. 
It is all very well to talk of the lion lying down with the lamb, 

42 



Botha Makes Good 



but of course it makes life a distinctly duller business both for 
the lion and the lamb when each has lost his or her dearest 
enemy. For the rest, there is a brisk trade in anti-gas respira- 
tors, "lonely soldiers" are becoming victimised by fair corre- 
spondents, and a new day has been added to the week — flag 
day. 

Proverb for the month, suggested by the activities of the 
Imperial infanticide : "The hand that wrecks the cradle rules 
the world." 

July, 1915. 

THE last month of the first year of the war brings no 
promise of a speedy end ; it is not a month of great battles 
on land or sea, but rather of omens and foreshadowings, 
good and evil. To the omens of victory belongs the sinking of 
the Pommem, named after the great maritime province, so long, 
coveted by the Brandenburgers, the makers of Prussia and the 
true begetters" of Prussianism. Of good omen, too, has been 
the u clean sweep " made by General Botha in German South- 
West Africa, where the enemy surrendered unconditionally on 
July 9. And though the menace of the U-boat grows daily, 
there may be limits to America's seemingly inexhaustible for- 
bearance. There are happily none to the fortitude of our blue- 
jackets and trawlers. 

Pundits in the Press, fortified by warnings from generals in 
various Home Commands, display an increasing preoccupation 
with the likelihood of invasion by sea. Mr. Punch naturally 
inclines to a sceptical attitude, swayed by long adherence to 
the views of the Blue Water School and the incredulousness of 
correspondents engaged in guarding likely spots on the East 
Coast. With runaway raids by sea we are already acquainted, 
and their growing frequency from the air is responsible for 
various suggested precautions, official and otherwise — pails of 
sand and masks and anti-asphyxiation mixtures — which are not 
viewed with much sympathy in the trenches. There the men 
meet the most disconcerting situations — as, for example, the 
problem of spending a night in a flooded meadow occupied by 
a thunderstorm — with irrelevant songs or fantasias on the 
mouth-organ. 

43 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 




First Trawler Skipper (to friend who is due to sail by next tide): "Are 
ye takin' any precautions against these submarines, Jock ? " 

Second Skipper: "Ay! Although I've been in the habit o' carryin' my bits 
of bawbees wi' me, I went an' bankit them this mornin', an' I'm no taking ma 
best oilskins or ma new seaboots." 

First Skipper: "Oh, you re a'richt, then. Ye'll hae practically nothin' tae 
lose but yer life." 



Oh, there ain't no band to cheer us up, there ain't no Highland 

pipers 
To keep our warlike ardure warm round New Chapelle and Wipers, 
So — since there's nothing like a tune to glad the 'eart o' man, 
Why Billy with his mouth-organ 'e does the best 'e can. 

Wet, 'ungry, thirsty, 'ot or cold, whatever may betide 'im, 
'E'll play upon the 'ob of 'ell while the breath is left inside 'im; 
And when we march up Potsdam Street, and goose-step through 

Berlin, 
Why Billy with 'is mouth-organ 'e'll play the Army in ! 

When officers come home on leave and find England standing 
where she did, their views support the weather-beaten major 
who said that it was "worth going to a little trouble and 
expense to keep that intact." But you can hardly expect people 

44 




/&f\ 



?%&&»&■ 



THE OLD MAN OF THE SEA 

SlNBAD THE Kaiser: "This submarine business is going to get 
me into trouble with America; but what can an All-Powerful do 
with a thing like this on his back ? " 

45 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



who live in trenches which have had to be rebuilt twice daily for 
the last few months and are shelled at all hours of the day or 
night, to compassionate the occasional trials of the home- 
keeping bomb-dodger. The war, as it goes on, seems to bring 
out the best and the worst that is in us. South Wales responded 
loyally to the call for recruits, yet 200,000 miners are affected 
by the strike fever. 

The House, where party strife for a brief space was hushed 
by mutual consent, is now devastated by the energies of in- 
discreet, importunate, egotistic or frankly disloyal question- 
mongers. We want a censorship of Parliamentary Reports. 
The Press Bureau withholds records of shining courage at the 
front lest they should enlighten the enemy, but gives full 
publicity to those 

Who give us words in lieu of deeds, 
Content to blather while their country bleeds. 

There is, however, some excuse for those importunates who 
wish to know on what authority the Premier declared at New- 
castle that neither our Allies nor ourselves have been hampered 
by an insufficient supply of munitions. In two months' fighting 
in Gallipoli our casualties have largely exceeded those sustained 
6y us during the whole of the Boer War. And financial purists 
may be pardoned for their protests against extravagant expendi- 
ture in view of the announcement that the war is now costing 
well over three millions daily. The idea of National Registra- 
tion has taken shape in a Bill, which has passed its second 
reading. The notion of finding out what everyone can do to 
help his country in her hour of need is excellent. But the 
Government do not seem to have realised that half a million 
volunteer soldiers have been waiting and ready for a job for 
the last six months : 

And when at last you come and say 
" What can you do? We ask for light 

On any service you can pay," 

The answer is : " You know all right, 

And all this weary while you knew it; 

The trouble was you wouldn't let us do it." 
46 



Euphemists and Pessimists 



The German Press is not exactly the place where one expects 
to find occasion for merriment. Yet listen to this from the 
Neueste Nachrichten: "Our foes ask themselves continuously, 
How can we best get at Germany's vital parts? What are her 
most vulnerable points? The answer is, her humanity — her 
trustful honesty." Here, on the other hand, thousands of 
people, by knocking 1 months and years off their real age, have 
been telling good straightforward lies for their country. At the 
Front euphemism in describing hardship is mingled with 
circumlocution in official terminology. Thus one CO. is re- 
ported to refer to the enemy not as Germans but "militant 
bodies of composite Teutonic origin." 

A new and effectual cure for the conversion of pessimists 
at home has Been discovered. It is simply to out-do the 
prophets of ill at their own game. The result is that they seek 
you out to tell you that an enemy submarine has been sunk 
off the Scillles or that the Crown Prince is in the Tower. It 
is the old story that optimists are those who have been 
associating with pessimists and vice versa. But seriousness is 
spreading. We are told that even actresses are now being 
photographed with their mouths shut, though one would have 
thought that at such a time all British subjects — especially the 
"Odolisques" of the variety stage — ought to show their teeth. 



Atigust, igiS- 

ORDINARY anniversaries lead to retrospect': after a year 
of the greatest of all wars it is natural to indulge in a 
stock-taking of the national spirit, and comforting to 
find that, in spite of disillusions and disappointments, the 
alternation of exultations and agonies, the soul of the fighting 
men of England remains unshaken and unconquerable. Three 
of the Great Powers of Europe espoused the cause of Liberty 
a year ago ; now there are four, and the aid of Italy in engaging 
and detaching large Austrian forces enables us to contemplate 
with greater equanimity a month of continuous Russian with- 
drawal, and the tragic loss of Warsaw and the great fortresses 
of Novo-Georgievsk and Brest-Li to vsk. And if there is no 

47 



Mr. Punch 's History of the Great War 



outward sign of the awakening of Germany, no slackening in 
frightfulness, no abatement in the blasphemous and overween- 
ing confidence of her Ruler and his War-lords, who can tell 
whether they have not moments of self-distrust? 

THE WAYSIDE CALVARY. 
August 4th, 1915. 

Now with the full year Memory holds her tryst, 

Heavy with such a tale of bitter loss 
As never Earth has suffered since the Christ 
Hung for us on the Cross. 

If God, O Kaiser, makes the vision plain ; 

Gives you on some lone Calvary to see 
The Man of Sorrows Who endured the pain 
And died to set us free — 

How will you face beneath its crown of thorn 
That figure stark against the smoking skies, 
The arms outstretched, the sacred head forlorn, 
And those reproachful eyes? 

How dare confront the false quest with the true, 

Or think what gulfs between the ideals lie 
Of Him Who died that men may live — and you 
Who live that man may die? 

Ah, turn your eyes away; He reads your heart; 

Pass on and, having done your work abhorred, 
Join hands with Judas in his place apart, 
You who betrayed your Lord. 

It is the way of modern war that we know little of what 
is going on, least of all on sea. Some of our sailormen have 
had their chance in the Heligoland Bight, off the Dogger Bank 
and Falkland Isles, and in the Dardanelles. It is well that we 
should remember what we owe to the patient vigil of their less 
fortunate comrades, the officers and men of the Grand Fleet, 
and to the indefatigable and ubiquitous activities of the ships 
officially classified as "Light Cruisers (Old)" : 

From Pole unto Pole, all the oceans between, 
Patrolling, protecting, unwearied, unseen, 
48 




AFTER ONE YEAR 



49 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



By night or by noonday, the Navy is there, 
And the out-of-date cruisers are doing - their share, 
The creaky old cruisers whose day is not done, 
Built some time before Nineteen-hundred-and-one. 

At any rate, we know for certain that British submarines have 
made their way into the Baltic, a "sea change" extremely 
disquieting to the Germans, who, for the rest, have suffered in 
a naval scrap in the Gulf of Riga with the Russians. On the 
Western front our troops are suffering from two plagues — 
large shells and little flies. These troubles have not prevented 
them from scoring a small though costly success at Hooge. 
From Gallipoli comes the news of fresh deeds of amazing 
heroism at Suvla Bay and Anzac. 

The war of Notes goes on with unabated energy between 
Germany and the U.S.A. At home a brief period has been 
set to the pernicious activities of importunate inquisitors by 
the adjournment of the House till mid-September. "Dr. 
Punch " is of opinion that the Mother of Parliaments is sorely 
in need of a rest and needs every hour of a seven weeks' 
holiday. In the Thrift campaign, which has now set in, 
everybody expects that everybody else should do his duty; and 
the universal eruption of posters imploring us to subscribe to 
the War Loan indicates the emergence of a new Art — that of 
Government by advertisement. To the obvious appeals to duty, 
patriotism, conscience, appeals to shame, appeals romantic and 
even facetious are now added. It may be necessary, but the 
method is not dignified. All that can be said is that "Govertise- 
ment," or government by advertisement, is better than Govern- 
ment by the Press, a new terror with which we are daily 
threatened. 

Mr. Winston Churchill, the greatest of our quick-change 
political artists, is said to be devoting his leisure to landscape 
painting. The particular school that he favours is not publicly 
stated, but we have reason to believe that he intends to be a 
Leader. 

The Archbishop of Cologne says that, on being congratu- 
lated on his Eastern successes, the Kaiser "turned his eyes to 
heaven with the most indescribable expression of intense 
gratitude and religious fervour." Yes, we can quite imagine 

50 



Splendid Mendacity 



that it beggared description. But there is no difficulty in 
finding the right phrase for his address to the inhabitants of 
Warsaw: "We wage war only against hostile troops, not 
against peaceful citizens." It is not " splendide mendax." That 
is the due of boys who overstate, and men who understate, their 
age in order to serve their country in the field. 



Officer (to boy of thirteen who, in his effort to get taken on as a bugler, 
has given his age as sixteen): "Do you know where boys go who tell lies?" 

Applicant: "To the Front, sir." 

A correspondent reminds Mr. Punch that four years ago 
he wrote as follows: "Lord Haldane, in defending the 
Territorials, declared that he expects to be dead before any 
political party seriously suggests compulsory military service. 
We understand that, since making this statement, our War 
Minister has received a number of telegrams from Germany 
wishing him long life." But we suspect that when he said 
dead he meant politically dead. Still, we owe Lord Haldane 
the Territorials, and they are doing great work in Europe and 
most valuable, if thankless, work in India. As "One of the 
Punch brigade" writes: "The hearts of very few of the 
Territorials now garrisoning India are in their work, though, 

5i 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



of course, we know that actually it is essential duty we are 
performing." "They also serve," who patiently endure the 
dull routine of existence largely spent in a stifling fort on the 
blistering and dust-swept plains, and find relief in the smallest 
incident that breaks the monotony. As, for example, when a 
quartermaster-sergeant was held up by a native guard at a 
Bridge, and, on demanding an explanation, had his attention 
directed to the notices on the wall, "Elephants and traction 
engines are not allowed to cross this bridge." 



September, igiS. 

THE Tsar has succeeded the Grand Nicholas as General- 
issimo of his armies, and the great Russian retreat has 
ended. Yet it would be rash to say that the one event 
has caused the other. Lord Kitchener's statement that on the 
Eastern front the Germans had "almost shot their last bolt" 
is a better summary, and when we reflect on their enormous 
superiority in artillery and equipment, that is a great tribute 
to the strategy of the Grand Duke in conducting the most 
difficult retreat of modern times. Germany, though a mistress 
of the entire alphabet of frightfulness, is making increasing 
play with the U J s and Z's, and Admiral Percy Scott, who 
predicted the dangers of the former, is now entrusted with the 
task of coping with the latter menace. 

Five months have elapsed since the sinking of the Lusitania 
and the pro-German campaign in the United States is more 
active than ever, thanks to the untiring efforts of Count Bern- 
storff and his worthy ally, Dr. Dumba, in promoting strikes and 
sabotage; but President Wilson, "Le Grand Penseur," declines 
to be rushed by the interventionists, and is giving his detached 
consideration to the "concessions" of the German Government 
in regard to submarine warfare. But three thousand miles of 
ocean no longer keep America free from strife. The enemy 
is within her gates, plotting, spying and bribing. The lesser 
neutrals in Europe find it harder to dissemble their sympathies, 
But Ferdinand of Bulgaria maintains a vulpine inscrutability. 

By way of a sidelight on what happens on the Western 

52 




THE UNSINKABLE TIRP 

German Chancellor: "Well, thank Heaven, that's the last of 
Tirpitz." 

TlRPiTZ (reappearing) : " I don't think ! " 



53 



Mr. Punch* s History of the Great War 



front, a wounded officer sends a characteristic account of his 
experiences after "going over the top" at 3 a.m. "The first 
remark, as distinct from a shout that I heard after leaving our 
parapet, came from Private Henry, my most notorious male- 
factor. As the first attempt at a wire entanglement in our new 
position went heavenward ten seconds after its emplacement, 
and a big tree just to our right collapsed suddenly like a dying 
pig, he turned round with a grin, observing : ' Well, sir, we 
do see a bit of life, if we don't make money.' I never saw a 
man all day who hadn't a grin ready when you passed, and 
a bit of a riposte if you passed the time of day with him." Our 
officers only think of their men, and the men of their officers. 
In Gallipoli our soldiers have discovered a new method of 
annoying the Turk : 

We go and bathe, in shameless scores 

Beneath his baleful een, 
Disrobe, unscathed, on sacred shores 

And wallow in between; 
Nor does a soldier then assume 
His university costume, 
And though it makes the Faithful fume, 

It makes the Faithless clean. 

The return of the wounded to England is marked by strange 
incidents, pathetic and humorous. Thus it has been reserved 
for an officer, reported dead in the casualty list, to ring up his 
people on the telephone and correct "this silly story about my 
being killed." And the cheerfulness of the limbless men in 
blue is something wonderful. They "jest at scars," but not 
because they "never felt a wound." It is a high privilege to 
entertain these light-hearted heroes, one of whom recently 
presented his partner in a lawn tennis match with a fragment 
of shell taken direct from his "stummick." And the recipient 
rightly treasures it as a love-token. 

Parliament has reassembled, the inquisitors returning (un- 
happily) like giants refreshed after their holiday. But they 
sometimes contribute to our amusement, as when one relentless 
and complacent critic declared that, on the matter of conscrip- 
tion, he should himself "prefer to be guided — very largely — by 

54 



Flora Yields to Ceres 



Lord Kitchener." The concession is something - , 
importunate questionists are on the other side : 



Most of the 



" Take from us any joys you like," they cry; 

" We'd bear the loss, however much we missed 'em; 
Let truth and justice, fame and honour die, 

But spare, O spare, our Voluntary System!" 




signs of 



A HANDY MAN 



Amongst other 
the times the 
increase of girl gar- 
deners and the sacrifice 
of flower beds to vege- 
tables are to be noted. 
But War changes are 
sometimes disconcert- 
ing, even when they 
are most salutary. For 
example, there is the 
cri de cceur of a pas- 
senger on a Clydebank 
tramcar in Glasgow on 
Saturday night, with 
a lady conductor : "I 
canna jist bottom this, 
Tarn. It's Seterday 
nicht an' this is the 
Clydebank caur, an' 
there's naebody sing- 
in' an' naebody fecht- 
in' wi' the conductor." 
Liquor control evi- 
dently does mean 
something. 

The War voca- 
bulary grows and 



Marine (somewhat late for parade^: "At six grows. " Pipsqueaks," 

o'clock I was a bloomin' 'ousemaid ; at seven << ~,.,it-v-iT-vo " inA u Took- 

o'clock I was a bloomin' valet; a^ eight o'clock Crumps ana jaCK 

I was a bloomin' waiter; an' now I'm a bloomin* Johnsons," picturesque 

soldier ! " • 1 r 

equivalents for u n - 
55 



Mr. PuncKs History of the Great War 



pleasant things, have long been familiar even to arm-chair 
experts. The strangely named "Archie," and "Pacifist," the 
dismay of scholars — a word "mean as what it's meant to mean " 
— now come to be added to the list. A new and admirable 
explanation of the R.F.A., "Ready for anyfink," is attributed 
to a street Arab. Our children are mostly lapped in blissful 
ignorance, but their comments are often illuminating. As, 
for instance, the suggestion of a small child asked to give her 
idea of a suitable future for Germany and the Kaiser: "After 
the war I wouldn't let Heligoland belong to anybody. I would 
put the Germans there, and they should dig and dig and dig 
until it was all dug, into the sea. The Kaiser should be sent 
to America, and they should be as rude as they liked to him. 
If he went in a train no one was to offer him a seat; he was 
to hang on to a strap, and he is to be called Mr. Smith." 
Cooks are being bribed to stay by the gift of War Bonds. 
Smart fashionables are flocking to munition works, and some 
of them sometimes are not unnaturally growing almost 
frightened at the organising talents they are developing. So 
are other people. 

A vigorous campaign against flies has been initiated by 
the journal which describes itself as "that paper which gets 
things done." Nothing is too small for it. Meanwhile it is 
announced that "Lord Northcliffe is travelling and will be 
beyond the reach of correspondence until the end of next week." 
Even he must have an occasional rest from his daily mail. 

We have to apologise for any suggestion to the effect that 
the Huns are devoid of humour. The German Society for the 
Protection and Preservation of Monuments has held a meeting 
in Brussels and expressed its thanks to the German Military 
Authorities for the care they had taken of the Monuments in 
Belgium. The function ended with an excursion to Louvain, 
where the delegates, no doubt, enjoyed a happy hour in the 
Library. 



56 



Ferdinand Justifies Himself 



October, igiS- 

SEPTEMBER ended with the Western front once more 
ablaze, with bitter fighting at Loos and a great French 
offensive in Champagne. With October the focus of 
interest and anxiety shifts to the Balkans. Austrian armies, 
stiffened with Germans, have again invaded Serbia and again 
occupied Belgrade. The Allies have landed at Salonika, and 
Ferdinand of Bulgaria has declared war on Serbia. Thus a 
new theatre of war has been opened, and though it is well to 
be rid of a treacherous neutral, the conflict enters on a fresh 
and formidable phase. When Ferdinand went to Bulgaria he 
is said to have resolved that if ever there were to be any 
assassinations he would be on the side of the assassins. He 
has been true to his word ever since the removal of Stamboloff : 

Here stands the Moslem with his brutal sword 
Still .red and reeking with Armenia's slaughter; 

Here, fresh from Belgium's wastes, the Christian Lord, 
His heart unsated by the wrong he wrought her ; 

And you between them, on your brother's track, 

Sworn, for a bribe, to stick him in the back. 

France and England have declared their intention of render- 
ing all possible help to Serbia in her new ordeal, but Greece, 
false to her treaty with Serbia, and dominated by a pro- 
German Court and Government, hampers us at every turn. 
" 'Tis Greece, but living Greece no more." So Byron sang, 
and a Byron de nos jours adds a new stanza to his appeal : 

Lo, a new curse — the Teuton bane ! 

Again rings out the trumpet call; 
France, England, Russia, joined again, 

For freedom fight, for Greece, for all ; 
And Greece — shall she that call ignore? 
Then is she living Greece no more ! 

Life in the trenches grows more strenuous as the output 
of high explosive increases, and the daily toll of our best and 
bravest makes grievous reading for the elders at home, "who 
linger here and droop beneath the heavy burden of our years," 

57 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



though many of them cheerfully undertake the thankless fatigues 
of guarding the King's highway as specials. But letters from 
the front still show the same genius for making light of hard- 
ship and deadly peril, the same happy gift of extracting amuse- 
ment from trivial incidents. So those who spend their days 
and nights under heavy shell fire and heavy rain write to tell 
you that "tea is the dominating factor of war," or that "the 
mushrooming and ratting in their latest quarters " are satis- 
factory. And even the wounded, in comparing the hazards 
of London with those at the front, only indulge in mild irony 
at the expense of the "staunch dare-devil souls who stay at 
home." 

In Parliament Sir Edward Carson has explained the reasons 
of his resignation of office — his difference from his colleagues 
in the difficulties arising in the Eastern theatre of war; and 
a resolution has been placed on the order-book proposing the 
appointment of a Committee of Inquiry on the Dardanelles 
campaign. No abatement of the plague of questions is yet 
noticeable, but some slight excuse may be found for the 
"ragging " of the Censor. This anonymous worthy, it appears, 
recently excised the words "and the Kings" from the well- 
known line in Mr. Kipling's "Recessional " : 

The Captains and the Kings depart. 

Apparently the Censor cannot admit any reference to the 
movements of royalty. 

When the Kaiser was at Windsor in 1891 he told the Eton 
College Volunteers he was glad to see so many of them taking 
an interest in the study of arms, and hoped that if ever they 
had to draw their swords in earnest they would use them to 
some purpose for their country. Now that there are three 
thousand Etonians at the front he is beginning to be sorry he 
spoke. The Kaiser, by his own confession, is sorry in another 
way. He has told a Socialist deputy, "with tears in his eyes," 
that he was sincerely sorry for France, which was "the greatest 
disappointment of his life." Even crocodiles sometimes speak 
the truth unwittingly. Meanwhile the Hamburg Fremdenblatt 
asserts that, "We Germans would gladly follow the Kaiser's 
lead through the very gates of hell, were it necessary." The 

58 




REALISATION 

("When I went to Bulgaria I resolved that if there were to be 
any assassinations I would be on the side of the assassins." 

Statement by Ferdinand.) 



59 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



qualification is surely superfluous, in the light of the murder 
of the heroic English hospital matron, Edith Cavell, at Brussels 
on October 12. Her life was one long act of mercy. She 
died with unshaken fortitude after the mockery of a trial on 
a charge of having assisted fugitive British and Belgian 
prisoners to escape. But her great offence was that she was 
English. The names of her chief assassins are General Baron 
von Bissing, the Governor of Brussels, General von Sauber- 
schweig, the Military Governor, and the Baron von der 




iHVmk 



Landlady: "'Ere's the Zeppelins, sir!" 
Lodger: "Right-o! Put 'em down outside." 

Lancken, the Head of the Political Department. Many years 
will pass before the echoes of that volley fired at dawn in a 
Brussels prison yard will die away. 

A new phase has been reached in the Conscription con- 
troversy, and the burning question appears to be whether the 
necessary men are to be compelled to volunteer or persuaded to 
be compulsorily enrolled. One of our novelist military experts, 
who is not always lucky with figures, though he thoroughly 
enjoys them, is alleged to have discovered that there are no 
more men than can be raised by conscription, but that the same 
does not, of course, apply to the voluntary system. 

60 



Churchill sen va-t-en Guerre 

The Daily Mail asks, " Have we a Foreign Office ? " We 
understand that a search-party is going: carefully through 
Carmelite House. We have certainly got a Chancellor of the 
Duchy of Lancaster, so efficient in the discharge of his duties 
that he has made himself an accomplished landscape painter 
in three months. 

A visitor to a remote East Anglian village in search of 
rest has found recreation in discussing with the inhabitants 
the Great War, of which he found some of them had heard. 
"Them there Zett'lins," said one old woman, "I almost shruk 
as I heerd the mucky varmints a-shovellin' on the coals — dare, 
dare ! How my pore heart did beat ! " And an onlooker, who 
had seen a bomb drop near a church, informed the visitor 
that it "fared to him like the body of the chach a-floatin' 
away — that it did and all ! It made a clangin' like a covey of 
lorries with their innards broke loose." Another inhabitant 
said that he had two boys fighting. "One on 'em is in France, 
wherever that might be, and Jimmy's in that hare old Dar- 
delles." He couldn't rightly say when the elder had gone 
out, "but it might be a yare ago come muck-spreadin'." 



November ) 191 5. 

MORE money and more men is still the cry. The war 
is now costing five millions a day, and the new vote 
of credit for ^"400,000,000 will only carry us on till 
the middle of February. This is "Derby's Day," and the new 
Director of Recruiting inspires confidence in his ability to 
make good, in spite of the Jeremiads of Lord Courtney and 
Lord Loreburn. The lot of a Coalition Government is never 
easy, and public opinion clamours not for Jeremiahs but for 
Jonahs to lighten the Ship of State. Mr. Winston Churchill, 
wearying of his sinecure at the Duchy of Lancaster, has re- 
signed office, explained himself in a long speech, and rejoined 
his regiment at the Western front. Lord Fisher, whose doubts 
and hesitations about the Dardanelles expedition were referred 
to by the late First Lord, has been content to leave his record 
of sixty-one years' service in the hands of his countrymen. 

61 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



In the briefest maiden speech ever delivered in either House 
he stated that it was "unfitting to make personal explanations 
affecting the national interest when my country is in the midst 
of a great war." Here at least the traditions of the "Silent 
Service " have been worthily maintained, just as they are main- 
tained by the Port Officer R.N.R. at an Oriental seaport, a 
thousand miles from the front, out of the limelight, with no 
chance of glory, with fever from morn till night, who "worries 
along by the grace of God and the blessing of cheap cheroots." 

In Flanders the rain has begun its winter session, and, as 
a military humorist put it, trench warfare is becoming a con- 
stant drain. The problem of parapet mending has been reduced 
to arithmetical form a la Colenso, as follows: "If two inches 
of rain per diem brings down one quarter of a company's 
parapet, and one company, working about twenty-six hours 
per diem, can revet one-eighth of a company's parapet, how 
long will your trenches last — given the additional premisses 
that no revetments to speak of are to be had, and that two 
inches of rain is only a minimum ration ? " The infantryman 
finds the men of the R.F.C. interesting and stimulating com- 
panions. "These airy fellows talk of war as if it were a day's 
shooting, and they the cock pheasants with the best of the 
fun up aloft. Upon my word, the hen who hatched such birds 
should be a proud, if anxious, mother." The same corre- 
spondent sends a pleasant account of the mutual estimates of 
French and English, prompted by their experiences as brothers 
in arms. "Our idea of our Ally as a soldier is that his elan 
and gay courage are very much more remarkable even than 
supposed; but for the dull, heavy work of continued warfare 
there is wanted, if we may say so without offence, the more 
stolid qualities of the English. On the other hand, the French 
opinion of their Ally as a soldier is that his dash and devil- 
ment are really astonishing, even to the most expectant critic ; 
but for the sordid, monotonous strain of this trench business it 
ineeds (a thousand pardons !) the duller persistence of the 
French." 

In Greece the quick change of Premiers proceeds with 
kaleidoscopic rapidity. The attitude of the successive Prime 
Ministers has been described as (i) Tender and affectionate 

62 




o 

O 
O 

»— i 
Q 
< 

W 
Ck 

W 
E 
H 



63 



Mr, Punch's History of the Great War 



neutrality towarcf the Entente Powers ; (2) Malevolent impar- 
tiality toward the Central Powers; (3) Inert cupidity toward 
all the belligerent Powers; (4) Genial inability; (5) Strict 
pusillanimity. 

Lord Milner has gone so far in the House of Lords as to say 
that "such war news as is published has from first to last 
been seriously misleading." The Balkan intelligence that is 
allowed to reach us does not exactly deserve this censure. To 
call it misleading would be too high praise ; it seldom rises 
beyond a level of blameless irrelevance. It is hardly a burlesque 
of the facts to say that a cable from Amsterdam informs us 

that the Copenhagen cor- 
respondent of the Echo de 
Paris learns from Salo- 
nika, via Lemnos and 
Nijni Novgorod, that in 
high official circles in 
Bukarest it is rumoured 
that in Constantinople the 
situation is considered 
grave; and then we are 
warned that too much 
credence must not be 
given to this report. The 
number of Censors at the 
Press Bureau being ex- 
actly forty, and their 
minute knowledge of 
English literature having 
been displayed on several 
occasions, it is said that 
Sir John Simon contem- 
plates their incorporation 
as an Academy of "Im- 
mortals — for the duration 
of the War." 

PADDY (who lias had his periscope smashed ^/J r> Punch's COrre- 

by a bullet) : - Sure there's seven _ years' bad d "Blanche" 

luck for the poor devil that broke that. f 

anyhow. sends distressing details 

64 




/// Winds from the East 



of some of the new complaints contracted by smart war workers. 
These include munition-wrists, shell-makers' crouch, neuro- 
committee-itis, and Zeppelin-eye through looking up into the 
sky too long with a telescope. 

A great deal depends on what you look at and what you 
look through. Thus Mr. Walter Long says that when he reads 
carping criticisms upon the conduct of the War he looks 
through his window at the people in the street and is always 
surprised to see the quiet steadfast manner in which they are 
going about their business. It is a good plan, but not always 
successful. The Kaiser got his view of the Irish people 
through a Casement, and it was entirely erroneous. 

The Cologne Gazette has stated that "there is in England 
no real soldiers' humour such as we have." Certainly we have 
nothing like it, though we confess to preferring the home- 
grown brand. 



December, igij. 

KUT and Ctesiphon, Ctesiphon and Kut. Thus may the 
events of the last month in Mesopotamia, no longer a 
' "blessed word," be expressed in a bald formula, which 
takes no account of the unavailing heroism of General Towns- 
hend's small but splendid force. Things have not been going, 
well in the East. The Allies have been unable to save Serbia, 
Monastir has fallen, and our lines have been withdrawn to 
Salonika. The experts are now divided into two camps, the 
Westerners and the Easterners, and the former, pointing to 
the evacuation of Gallipoli, are loud in their denunciations of 
costly "side-shows," and the folly of strengthening Germany's 
hold on Turkey by killing out the Turks, instead of concen- 
trating all our forces on killing the Germans on the Western 
front. The time is not yet come to decide which is right. But 
all are agreed with the British officer who described the 
Australian soldier at Gallipoli as "the bravest thing God ever 
made," and so prompted these lines : 

Bravest, where half a world of men 
Are brave beyond all earth's rewards, 
F 6s 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



So stoutly none shall charge again 
Till the last breaking of the swords; 

Wounded or hale, won home from war, 
Or yonder by the Lone Pine laid; 

Give him his due for evermore — 

" The bravest thing God ever made! " 

Though the wings of the angel of Peace cannot be heard, 
peace kite-flying has already begun in Vienna, but Germany 
is anxious to represent it as unauthorised and improper. Mr. 
Henry Ford's voyage to Europe on the Oscar II. with a 
strangely assorted group of Pacificists does more credit to his 
heart than his head, and the conflicting elements in his party 
have earned for his ship the name of "The Tug of Peace." Any- 
how, England is taking no risks on the strength of these 
irregular "overtures." A vote has been passed for a further 
increase of our "contemptible little Army" to four millions; 
and the manufacture of high explosive goes on in an ever- 
increasing ratio. Sir Douglas Haig has succeeded Sir John 
French as Commander-in-Chief of our Armies in France; Sir 
William Robertson is the new Chief of Staff — Scotsmen both 
of the finest type — and the appointments are universally 
approved, even by the Daily Mail. The temper of the men in 
France is well hit off by an officer when he says that "Atkins 
is really best when an ordinary mortal might be contemplating 
suicide or desertion." And officers arriving on leave at Victoria 
at 2 a.m. are driven to the conclusion that they are sent back 
to England from time to time to check their optimism, which 
at the front survives even being sent to so-called rest camps 
in the middle of a malodorous marsh for nine hours' military 
training per diem. The "philosophy of Thomas " is inscrutable, 
but no doubt he derives satisfaction from comparisons :! 

If we're standin' in two foot o' water, you see 
Quite likely the Boches are standin' in three; 
An' though the keen frost may be ticklin' our toes, 
'Oo doubts that the Boehes' 'ole bodies is froze? 

So 'ere's our philosophy, simple an' plain : 
Wotever we 'ates in the bloomin' campaign, 
'Tis balm to our souls, as we grumble an' cuss, 
To feel that the Boches are 'atin' it wuss. 
66 




AN UNAUTHORISED FLIRTATION 

The Kaiser (to Austrian Emperor): "Franz! Franz! I'm sur- 
prised and pained.'' 



67 



Mr. PtmcKs History of the Great War 



Hardest of all is the lot of the trooper in the trenches, who 
"thinks all day and dreams all night of a slap-bang, tally-ho! 
open fight," but for the time being "like a blinded mole toils 
in a furrow and lives in a hole." 

The National Thrift campaign is carried on with great 
earnestness in Parliament. Luxury, waste, unnecessary 
banquets, high legal salaries have all come under the lash of 




fill* 



Tommy (finding a German prisoner who speaks English) 
done to me, you blighters! 'Ere — 'ave a cigarette?" 



Look what you 



the economy hunters. Of the maxim that "Charity begins at 
home," they have, however, so far shown no appreciation 
beyond abstaining from voting any addition to their salary of 
,£400 a year. Mr. Asquith's announcement that he takes his 
salary, and is going to continue taking it, has naturally lifted 
a great weight from the minds of these vicarious champions 
of economy. 

Evidence of the chastened condition of the enemy is to be 
found in the statement on the official notepaper of Wolff's 
Telegraphic Bureau "that it assumes no responsibility of any 
kind for the accuracy of the news which it circulates." But 

68 



Tommy mid the Poilu 



there is no confirmation of the report that its dispatches will 
in future be known as "Lamb's Tales." The German Imperial 
Chancellor has replied to an appeal from a deputation of German 
Roman Catholics on behalf of the Armenians that "The German 
Government, in friendly communication with the Turkish 
Government, has been at constant pains to better the situation 
of Turkey's Christian subjects." Thanks to this friendly in- 
tervention, more than half a million Armenians will never suffer 
again from Turkish misrule. 

Mr. Roosevelt has added to the picturesqueness of political 
invective by describing Mr. Wilson's last Presidential message 
as "worthy of a Byzantine logothete." It is not often that 
one finds a rough-rider and ex-cowboy who is able to tackle 
a don in his own lingo. But Tommy at the front manages to 
converse with the poilu without any vocabulary at all : 

I met a chap the other day a-roostin' in a trench, 

'E didn't know a word of ours nor me a word of French, 

An' 'ow it was we managed — well, I cannot understand, 

But I never used the phrase-book, though I 'ad it in my hand. 

I winked at 'im to start with; 'e grinned from ear to ear; 

An' 'e says "Tipperary," an' I says " Sooveneer " ; 

'E 'ad my only Woodbine, I 'ad 'is thin cigar, 

Which set the ball a-rollin', an' so — well, there you are! 

I showed 'im next my wife an' kids, 'e up an' showed me 'is, 
Them funny little Frenchy kids with 'air all in a frizz; 
" Annette," 'e says, "Louise," 'e says, an' 'is tears began to fall; 
We was comrades when we parted, but we'd 'ardly spoke at all. 



January, igi6. 

THE New Year brings us a mixed bag of tricks, good and 
bad. Our armies grow in numbers and efficiency, in 
men and munitions. The new Commander-in-Chief 
on the Western front, and his new Chief of Staff, inspire 
confidence in all ranks, combatant and non-combatant. 
John Ward, the Labour Member, hitherto a strong opponent 

69 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



of conscription, and now a full-blown Colonel, has hurried 
over from the front to defend the Compulsory Service Bill 
in a manly and animated speech, and the Bill, despite the 
" Pringling " and pacificism of a small but local minority, has 
passed through Committee. 

Against these encouraging omens we have to set the com- 
plete evacuation of Gallipoli, the scene of unparalleled heroism 
and unavailing sacrifice, the fall of Monastir, the overrunning 
of Serbia, labour troubles on the Clyde, and the ignominious 
exemption of Ireland from the Military Service Bill. General 
Townshend, rebus angustis animosus — "in a tight place but 
full of beans " — is besieged in Kut, and the relieving forces 
have not been able to dislodge the Turks. Climate and weather 
and terrain are all against us. 

Humanitarian Pacificists are much impressed by Germany's 
piteous lamentations over the brutality of the blockade. In these 
appeals to America optimists detect signs of cracking. Cooler 
observers explain them as evidence of her policy of shamming 
dead. 

English mothers who have lost their only sons cannot be 
expected to show sympathy for an Emperor who combines the 
professions of a Jekyll with the ferocity of a Hyde. Yet few 
of them would rewrite the record of these short lives; their 
pride is greater than their pain. 

While the daily toll of life is heavy, War, shorn of its 
pomp and pageantry, drags wearily in the trenches. The 
Lovelace of to-day is a troglodyte, biding his time patiently, 
but often a prey to ennui. This is how he writes to Lucasta 
to correct the portrait painted by her fancy : 

Above, the sky is very grey, the world is very damp. 
His light the sun denies by day, the moon by night her lamp; 
Across the landscape, soaked and sad, the dull guns answer back, 
And through the twilight's futile hush spasmodic rifles crack. 

The papers haven't come to-day to show how England feels; 
The hours go lame and languidly between our Spartan meals; 
We've written letters till we're tired, with not a thing to tell 
Except that nothing's doing, weather beastly, writer well. 

70 




7i 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



So when you feel for us out here — as well I know you will — 
Then sympathise with thousands for their country sitting still; 
Don't picture battle-pieces by the lurid Press adored, 
But miles and miles of Britishers, in burrows, badly bored. 

Small wonder that Lovelace in the trenches envies the 
Flying Man : 

He rides aloof on god-like wings, 
Taking no thought of wire or mud, 

Saps, smells, or bugs — the mundane things 
That sour our lives and have our blood. 

The roads we trudged with feet of lead, 

The shadows of his pinions skim ; 
The river where we piled our dead 

Is but a silver thread to him. 

Lovelace in the air might tell another story; but both are 
at one with their prototype in the spirit which made him say : 
"I could not love thee, dear, so much, loved I not honour 
more," though neither of them would say it. 

In this context one may add that the Flying Men are not 
alone In exciting envy. Bread is the staff of life, and in the 
view of certain officers in the trenches the life of the Staff is 
one long loaf. 

The discussion on the withdrawal of Members' salaries has 
died down. The incident is now buried, and here is its 
epitaph : 

Some three-score years or so ago six hundred gallant men 

Made a charge that cost old England dear; they lost four hundred 

then : 
To-day six hundred make a charge that costs the country dear, 
But now they take four hundred each — four hundred pounds a year. 

Our journalists have been visiting the Fleet, and one of 
them, in a burst of candour tempered with caution, declares that 
"one would like to describe much more than one has seen, but 
that is impossible." Some other correspondents have found 
no such difficulty. But for admirable candour commend us to 

72 



Tommy the Diplomatist 



the Daily Mail of December 24, where we read, " The Daily Mail 
will not be published to-morrow, and for that reason we seize 
the occasion to-day of bidding our readers a Merry Christmas" 
— and a very good 



reason too. Mr. 
Punch is glad to re- 
print a ten-year-old 
girl's essay on "Pat- 
riotism " : " Patriot- 
ism is composed of 
patriots, and they 
are people who live 
in Ireland and want 
Mr. Redmond or 
other people to be 
King of Ireland. 
They are very brave, 
some of them, and 
are so called after St. 
Patrick, who is Ire- 
land's private saint. 
The patriots who 
are brave make 
splendid soldiers. 
The patriots who 
are not brave go to 
America." And here 
is a topical extract 
from a letter written 
to a loved one from 
the Front :' 




Tommy (dictating letter to be sent to his wife) : 
" The nurses here are a very plain lot — " 

Nurse : "Oh, come! I say! That's not very 
polite to us." 

Tommy: "Never mind, Nurse, put it down. It'll 
please her! " 



"I received your dear little note in a sandbag. You say 
that you hope the sandbag stops a bullet. Well, to tell the 
truth, I hope it don't, as I have been patching my trousers 
with it." 

Tommy is adding to his other great qualities that of 
diplomacy, to judge from the incident illustrated above. 



73 



Mr. PuncKs History of the Great War 



February, igi6. 

THE Epic of the Dardanelles is closed; that of Verdun 
has begun, and all eyes are focused on the tremendous 
struggle for the famous fortress. The Crown Prince has 
still his laurels to win, and it is clear that no sacrifice of German 
"cannon fodder" will be too great to deter him from pushing 
the stroke home. Fort Douaumont has fallen, and the hill of 
the Mort Homme has already terribly justified its cadaverous 
name. The War-lords of Germany are sorely in need of a 
spectacular success even though they purchase it at a great 
price, for they are very far from having, everything their own 
way. Another Colony has gone the way of Tsing-tau, New 
Guinea and South- West Africa. The German Kamerun has 
cried "Kamerad!" General Smuts, like Botha, "Boer and 
Briton too," has gone off to take command in East Africa, and 
in the Caucasus Erzerum has fallen to the Russians. The 
Kaiser is reported to be bitterly disappointed with Allah. 

Sir Edward Grey is not altogether satisfied with the conduct 
of the Neutral Powers. He has no desire to make things as 
irksome to them as some of his critics desire. But he has 
pointed out that in the matter of preventing supplies from 
reaching the enemy by circuitous routes Great Britain has her 
own work to do, and means to do it thoroughly. 

The miraculous forbearance of President Wilson, in face 
of the activities of Count Bernstorff, is even more trying to a 
good many of his countrymen than it is to the belligerent 
Briton. Mr. Roosevelt, for instance, derives no satisfaction 
from being the fellow-countryman of a man who can "knock 
spots" off Job for patience. The New York Life has long 
criticised the President with a freedom far eclipsing anything 
in the British Press. It has now crowned its "interventionist" 
campaign by a "John Bull number," the most generous and 
graceful tribute ever paid to England by the American Press. 

The Military Service Bill has passed through both Houses, 
and may be trusted to hasten still further the amazing growth 
of our once "contemptible little" Army. The pleasantest 
incident during the month at Westminster has been the tribute 
paid to the gallantry and self-sacrifice of the officers and men 

74 




THE CHALLENGE 

" Halt ! Who comes there ? " " Neutral." " Prove it ! " 

"What I would say to Neutrals is this: Do they admit our right to apply the 
principles which were applied by the American Government in the war between North 
and South— to apply those principles to modern conditions and to do our best to prevent 
trade with the enemy through neutral countries? If the answer is that we are not entitled to 
do that then I must say definitely it is a departure from neutrality. — Sir EDWARD LrREY 



75 



Mr. Pundis History of the Great War 




Grannie (dragged out of bed at 1.30 a.m., and being hurriedly dressed as 
the bombs begin to fall) : " Nancy, these stockings are not a pair." 

of our mercantile marine. The least satisfactory aspect of 
Parliamentary activity has Been the ventilation of silly rumours 
at Question time, in which Mr. Ginnell has been so well to the 
fore as to suggest some subtle connection between cattle-driving 
and hunting for mares' nests. 

Steps have already been taken to restrict the imports of 
luxuries, and Ministers are believed to be unanimous in 
regarding "ginger" as an article whose importation might be 
profitably curtailed. It has been calculated that the annual 
expenses saved by the closing of the London Museums and 
Galleries amount to about one-fifth of the public money spent 
on the salaries of Members of Parliament. In other words : 

Let Art and Science die, 

But give us still our old Loquacity. 

Intellectual retrenchment, of course, is desirable, 

But let us still keep open one collection 
Of curiosities and quaint antiques, 
7 6 



Sir Percy Scott's Dual Life 



Under immediate Cabinet direction — 

The finest specimens of talking freaks, 
Who constitute our most superb museum, 
Judged by the salaries with which we fee 'em. 

Lord Sumner, however, seems to have no illusions on this 
score. He is reported to have said that "if the House of Lords 
and the House of Commons could be taken and thrown into 
a volcano every day the loss represented would be less than the 
daily loss of the campaign." It sounds a drastic remedy, but 
might be worth trying. 

Field-Marshal Lord French has taken over the responsibility 
for home defence against enemy aircraft, with Sir Percy Scott 
as his expert adviser. But the status of Sir Percy, who, as 
officially announced, "has not quite left the Admiralty and has 
not quite joined the War Office," seems to suggest "a kind of 
giddy harumfrodite — soldier an' sailor too." 

The War fosters the study of natural and unnatural history. 



ll~~, 



Hi 

\ 



n i \ 





First Lady : " That's one of ihem Australian soldiers." 

Second Lady: "How do you know?" 

First Lady': "Why, can't you see the Kangaroo feathers in his hat? 

77 



Mr. PuncKs History of the Great War 



Many early nestings are recorded as the result of mild weather, 
and at least one occasional visitor (Polonius bombifer) has laid 
eggs in various parts of the country. 



March, igi6. 

THE month of the War god has again justified its name 
and its traditions. Both entry and exit have been leonine. 
The new submarine "frightfulness" began on the ist, 
and the battle round Verdun, in which the fate of Paris, to say 
the least, is involved, has raged with unabated fury throughout 
the entire month. 

Germany's junior partners, Turkey and Bulgaria, are for 
the moment more concerned with bleeding Germany than with 
shedding their blood for her; Enver Pasha is reported to have 
gone to pay a visit to the tomb of the Prophet at Medina; 
Portugal, our oldest ally, is now officially at war with Germany, 
and the dogs of frightfulness are already toasting " der Tagus." 

On our share of the Western front there is still what is 
nominally described as a "lull." But, as a young officer writes, 
"you must not imagine that life here is all honey. Even here 
we do a bit for our eight-and-sixpence." Once upon a time 
billets were billets. They now very often admit of being shelled 
with equal exactitude from due in front and due in rear, and 
water is laid on throughout. "It is a fact well known to all our 
most widely circulated photographic dailies that the German 
gunners waste a power of ammunition. The only criticism I 
have to make is that I wish they would waste it more carefully. 
The way they go strewing the stuff about around us is such that 
they're bound to hit someone or something before long. Still, 
we have only two more days in these trenches, and they seldom 
give us more than ten thousand shells a day." 

Letters from second-lieutenants seldom go beyond a gentle 
reminder that their life is not an Elysium. They offer a strange 
contrast to the activities of Parliamentary grousers and scape- 
goat hunters. If the Germans were in occupation of the Black 
Country, if Oxford were being daily shelled as Rheims is, and 
if with a favouring breeze London could hear the dull rumble 

78 




TO THE GLORY OF FRANCE 

Verdun, February — March, 1916 



79 



Mr. PuncKs History of the Great War 



of the bombardment as Paris can, one wonders if Members 
would still be encumbering the Order-paper with the vexatious 
trivialities that now find place there, or emitting what a 
patriotic Labour Member picturesquely described as "the 
croakings and bleatings of the fatted lambs who have be- 
smirched their country." Per contra we welcome the optimism 
of Mr. Asquith in discussing new Votes of Credit, though 
he reminds us of Micawber calculating his indebtedness for 
the benefit of Traddles. It will be remembered that when the 
famous I O U had been handed over, Copperfield remarked, 
"I am persuaded not only that this was quite the same to Mr. 
Micawber as paying the money, but that Traddles himself 
hardly knew the difference until he had had time to think about 
it." Then we have had the surprising but welcome experience 
of Mr. Tim Healy championing the Government against Sir John 
Simon's attack on the Military Service Bill ; and have listened 
to Lord Montagu of Beaulieu's urgent plea in the Lords for 
unity of air control, a proposal which Lord Haldane declared 
could not be adopted without some "violent thinking." Most 
remarkable of all has been Mr. Churchill's intervention in the 
debate on the Naval Estimates, his gloomy review of the 
situation — Mr. Churchill is always a pessimist when out of 
office — and the marvellous magnanimity of his suggestion that 
Lord Fisher should be reinstated at the Admiralty, on the 
ground that his former antagonist was the only possible First 
Sea Lord. Mr. Balfour dealt so faithfully with these criticisms 
and suggestions that there seems to be no truth in the report that 
Mr. Churchill has been asked to join the Government as Minister 
of Admonitions. A new and coruscating star has swum into our 
Parliamentary ken in the shape of the Member for Mid-Herts, 
and astronomers have labelled it " Pegasus it (3." When the 
House of Commons passed the Bill prohibiting duels it ought to 
have made an exception in favour of its own Members. Nothing 
would have done more to raise the tone of debate, for offenders 
against decorum would gradually have eliminated one another. 
Yet Parliament has its merits, not the least of them being the 
scope it still affords for hereditary talent. Lord Derby, at the 
moment the most prominent man on the Home Front after 
the Premier, is the grandson of the "Rupert of Debate," and the 

So 



" He's kicked the Corporal ! " 




He's kicked the Vet.!!" 




He's kicked the Transport Officer!!!" 




He's kicked the Colonel ! ! ! ! 

MULE HUMOUR 

81 



Mr. Punch! s History of the Great War 



new Minister of Blockade enters on his duties close on fifty 
years after another Lord Robert Cecil entered the Cabinet of 
Lord Derby. So history repeats itself with a difference. In 
spite of the Coalition, or perhaps because of it, the old strife of 
Whigs and Tories has revived, though the lines of cleavage are 
quite different from what they were. Thus the new Tories are 
the men who believe that the War is going to be decided by 
battles in Flanders and the North Sea, and would sacrifice 
everything for victory, even the privilege of abusing the 
Government. The new Whigs are the men who consider that 
the House of Commons is the decisive arena, and that even the 
defeat of the Germans would be dearly purchased at the cost of 
the individual's right to say and do what he pleased. 

After the exhibition of Mr. Augustus John's portrait of Mr. 
Lloyd George, the most startling personal event of the month 
has been the dismissal of Grand Admiral Tirpitz. According 
to one account, he resigned because he could not take the 





The Vicar : " These Salonikans, Mrs. Stubbs, are, of course, the Thessalonians 
to whom St. Paul wrote his celebrated letters." 

Mrs, Stubbs : " Well, I 'ope 'e'd better luck with 'is than I 'ave. I sent 
my boy out there three letters and two parcels, and I ain't got no answer to 'em 
yet." 

82 



Sinn Fein enters the War 



German Fleet out. According to another, it was because he 
could no longer take the German people in. 

At Oxford the Hebdomadal Council have suspended the 
filling of the Professorship of Modern Greek for six months. 
Apparently there is no one about just now who understands 
the modern Greek. A French correspondent puts it somewhat 
differently: "La Grece Antique: Hellas. La Gre.ce Moderne: 
H&as ! " 



April, igi6. 

WHO would have thought when the month opened that 
at its close a new front within the Four Seas would 
be added to our far-flung line, Dublin's finest street 
half ruined, Ireland placed under martial law ? Certainly not 
Mr. Birrell or Mr. Redmond or the Irish Nationalist Members. 
The staunchest Unionist would acquit Mr. William O'Brien 
of any menace when in the Budget Debate, three weeks before 
the Rebellion of Easter Week, he gave it as his opinion that 
Ireland ought to be omitted from the Budget altogether. So, 
too, with Mr. Tim Healy, whose principal complaint was that 
the tax on railway tickets would put a premium on foreign 
travel ; that people would go to Paris instead of Dublin, and 
Switzerland instead of Killarney. No, so far as the Govern- 
ment and Ireland's Parliamentary representatives went, it was a 
bolt from the blue — or the green. Mr. Birrell, Chief Secretary 
for Ireland for nine years, a longer period than any of his 
predecessors, has shown himself conspicuous at once by his 
absence and his innocence, and England in her hour of need, 
with the submarine peril daily growing and Kut starved out 
after a heroic defence, stands to pay dearly for the privilege 
of entrusting the administration of Ireland to an absentee 
humorist. 

On the Western front Verdun still rivets all eyes. The 
German hordes are closing in on the fortress, but at a heavier 
cost for each mile gained than they have ever paid before. 

Germany's colossal effort would inspire admiration as well 
as respect if she would only fight clean. The ugly stories of 
her treatment of prisoners have now culminated in the terrible 

83 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 




THE REPUDIATION 

Martin Ldther (to Shakespeare): " I see my country- 
men claim you as one of them. You may thank God that 
you're not that. They have made my Wittenberg — ay, and 
all Germany — to stink in my nostrils." 

record of the typhus-stricken camp at Wittenberg, where the 
German doctors deserted their post. 

The report of Mr. Justice Younger's Committee, in which 
the tale of this atrocity is fully told, is being circulated in neutral 
countries, and Mr. Will Thorne has suggested that it should 
also be sent to our conscientious objectors. It is well to 
administer some sort of corrective to the information diffused 
by the neutral newsmonger : 

Who cheers us when we're in the blues, 
With reassuring German news, 
Of starving Berliners in queues? 
The Neutral. 

84 




THE GRAPES OF VERDUN 

The Old Fox : " You don't seem to be getting much nearer 
them ? " 

The Cub: "No, Father. Hadn't we better give it out that 
they're sour ? " 



85 



Mr. Punch 's History of the Great War 



And then, soon after, tells us they 
Are feeding- nicely all the day, 
And in the old familiar way? 
The Neutral. 

Who sees the Kaiser in Berlin, 
Dejected, haggard, old as sin, 
And shaking in his hoary skin? 
The Neutral. 

Then says he's quite a Sunny Jim, 
That buoyant health and youthful vim 
Are sticking out all over him? 
The Neutral. 

Who tells us tales of Krupp's new guns, 
Much larger than the other ones, 
And endless trains chock-full of Huns? 
The Neutral. 

And then, when our last hope has fled, 
Declares the Huns are either dead 
Or hopelessly dispirited? 
The Neutral. 

In short, who seems to be a blend 
Of Balaam's Ass, the bore's godsend, 
And Mrs. Gamp's elusive friend? 
The Neutral. 

In Parliament we have had the biggest Budget ever known 
introduced in the. shortest Budget speech of the last half-century, 
at any rate. Mr. Pemberton Billing is doing his best every 
Tuesday to bring the atmosphere of the aerodrome into the 
House. Mr. Tennant has promised his sympathetic considera- 
tion to Mr. Billing's offer personally to organise raids on the 
enemy's aircraft bases, and the House is bearing up as well as can 
be expected under the shadow of this impending bereavement. 
Mr. Swift MacNeill is busy with his patriotic effort to purge the 
roll of the Lords of the peerages now held by enemy dukes. For 
the rest, up to Easter Week, the Parliamentary situation has 
been described as "a cabal every afternoon and a crisis every 
second day." 

86 



Hospital Humours 



It is one of the strange outcomes of this wonderful time that 
there is more gaiety as well as more suffering in hospitals during 
the War than in peace. Certainly such a request would never 
have been heard 
in normal years as 
that recently made 
by a nurse to a 
roomful of irrepres- 
sible Tommies at a 
private hospital : 

"A message has 
just come in to ask 
if the hospital will 
make a little less 
noise as the lady 
next door has a 
touch of head- 
ache." 

For shouting 
"The Zepps are 
coming!" a 
Grimsby girl has 
been fined £\. It 
was urged in de- 
fence that the girl 
suffered from hal- 
lucinations, one be- 
ing that she was a 
daily newspaper 
proprietor. But 
the recent Zeppelin 
raids have not 
been without their 
advantages. In a 

spirit of emulation an ambitious hen at Acton has laid an egg 
weighing 5^ oz. 




Visitor (at Private Hospital): "Can I see Lieu- 
tenant Barker, please ? " 

Matron : " We do not allow ordinary visiting. 
May I ask if you are a relative ? " 

VISITOR (boldly): "Oh, yes! I'm his sister." 

Matron : " Dear me ! I'm very glad to meet you. 
I'm his mother" 



8? 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



May, igi6. 

VERDUN still holds out : that is the best news of the 
month. The French with inexorable logic continue to 
exact the highest price for the smallest gain of ground. If 
the Germans are ready to give 100,000 men for a hill or part 
of a hill they may have it. If they will give a million men they 
may perhaps have Verdun itself. But so far their Pyrrhic 
victories have stopped short of this limit, and Verdun, like 
Ypres, battered, ruined and evacuated by civilians, remains a 
symbol of Allied tenacity and the will to resist. 

The months in war-time sometimes belie their traditions, but 
it is fitting that in May we should have enlisted a new Ally — 
the Sun. The Daylight Saving Bill became Law on May 17. 
Here is a true economy, and our only regret is that Mr. Willett, 
the chief promoter of a scheme complacently discussed during 
his lifetime as ingenious but impracticable, should not have 
lived to witness its swift and unmurmuring acceptance under 
stress of war. 

The official communiques from the Irish Front in the earlier 
stages of the Dublin rebellion did not long maintain their roseate 
complexion. Even before the end of April a Secret Session — 
the second in a week — was held to discuss the Irish situation. 
By a strange coincidence this Secret Session immediately 
followed the grant by the Commons of a Return relating to Irish 
Lunacy accounts. From the meagre official summary we gather 
that the absence of reporters has at least the negative advantage 
of shortening speeches. In a very few days, however, the 
Prime Minister discarded reticence, admitting the gravity of 
the situation, the prevalence of street fighting, the spread of 
the insurrection in the West, the appointment of Sir John 
Maxwell to the supreme command, and the placing of the Irish 
Government under his orders. The inevitable sequel — the 
execution of the responsible insurrectionist leaders — has led to 
vehement protests from Messrs. Dillon and O'Brien against 
militarist brutality. The House of Commons is a strange place. 
When Mr. Birrell rose on May 3 to give an account of his nine 
years' stewardship, the Unionists, and not the Unionists alone, 
were thinking of a lamp-post in Whitehall. When he had 

88 




8 9 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



concluded his pathetic apologia and confessed his failure to 
estimate accurately the strength of Sinn Fein, Members were 
almost ready to fall on his neck, but they no longer wanted 
his head. Even Sir Edward Carson admitted that Mr. Birrell 
had been well intentioned and had done his best. By the middle 
of the month Mr. Asquith had gone to Ireland, in the hope of 




WANTED— A ST. PATRICK 

St. Augustine Birrell : " I'm afraid I'm not so smart as my brother- 
saint at dealing with this kind of thing. I'm apt to take reptiles too lightly." 

discovering some arrangement for the future which would 
commend itself to all parties. By the 25th he was back in his 
place after nine days in Dublin. But he had no panacea of 
his own to prescribe ; no cut-and-dried plan for the regeneration 
of Ireland. All he could say was that Mr. Lloyd George had 
been deputed by the Cabinet to confer with the various Irish 
leaders, and the choice is generally approved. If anyone knows 
how to handle high explosives without causing a premature 
concussion it should be the Minister of Munitions. 

Ireland has dominated the political scene at home, for it is 
impossible not to connect our new commitments across St. 

90 



Mothers and Sons 



George's Channel with the introduction and passing of the new 
Military Service Bill establishing compulsion for all men, 
married or single — always excepting Ireland. The question of 
man-power is paramount. Mr. Asquith is at last convinced that 
"Wait and See " must yield to "Do it Now" : that the nation 
won't have the sword of Damocles hanging over its head any 
longer, but will have compulsion in its hand at once. On the 
progress of the War Mr. Asquith has said little in Open 
Session, but any omission on his part has been made good by 
Mr. Churchill, now home on unlimited leave, who has spoken at 
great length on the proper use of armies. 

Mr. Arthur Ponsonby and Mr. Ramsay MacDonald, who 
raised the question of Peace on Empire Day, urging the 
Government to open negotiations with Germany, have elicited 
from the Foreign Secretary the deliberate statement that the 
only terms of peace which the German Government had ever 
put forward were the terms of victory for Germany, and that 
we could not reason with the German people so long as they 
were fed with lies. 

Mr. Henry James, who so nobly repaid the hospitality 
England was proud to show him by adopting her nationality in 
her hour of greatest need, said shortly before his death that 
nothing grieved him more than the constant loss of England's 
"best blood, seed and breed." The mothers of England "give 
their sons," but they know that the choice did not rest with 
them : 

We did not give you — all unasked you went, 
Sons of a greater motherhood than ours ; 

To our proud hearts your young brief lives were lent, 
Then swept beyond us by resistless powers. 

Only we hear, when we have lost our all, 
That far clear call. 

But how can the grief be measured of those 

Whose best, 
Eager to serve a higher quest 
And in the Great Cause know the joy of battle, 
Gallant and young, by traitor hands, 
Leagued with a foe from alien lands, 
Struck down in cold blood, fell like butchered cattle. 

91 



Mr. Punclis History of the Great War 



Though Ireland is not for the moment a source of humour 
she contrives to be the cause of it in others. A daily paper 
tells us that Sir Robert Chalmers is to be " Permanent Under- 
Secretary of Ireland pro tern." Another daily paper, the Daily 
Mail to be precise, has discovered a new test of valour : "Mr. 
Mellish, a regular reader of the Daily Mail for years, was 
awarded the V.C. last month for conspicuous bravery." 



June, igi6. 

AT last the long vigil in the North Sea has ended in the 
/-\ glorious if indecisive battle of Jutland, the greatest sea 
-^- ■*■ fight since Trafalgar. Yet was it indecisive ? After the mo- 
mentary dismay caused by the first Admiralty communique with 
its over-estimate of our losses, public confidence, shaken where 
it was strongest, has been restored by further information and 
by the admissions of the enemy. We have to mourn the loss of 
many ships, still more the loss of splendid ships' companies 
and their heroic captains. We can sympathise with the cruel 
disappointment of those who, after bearing the brunt of the 
action, were robbed of the opportunity of overwhelming their 
enemy by failing light and the exigencies of a strategy governed 
in the last resort by political caution. But look at the sequel. 
The German Fleet, badly battered, retires to port; and despite 
the paeans of exultation from their Admirals, Kaiser, and 
Imperial Chancellor, remains there throughout the month. 
Will it ever come out again ? Meanwhile, Wilhelmshaven is 
closed indefinitely, and nobody is allowed to see those sheep in 
Wolff's clothing — the "victorious fleet." The true verdict, so 
far as we can judge, may be expressed in homely phrase : The 
British Navy has taken a knock but given a harder one. We 
can stand it and they can't. 

Within a week of Jutland the Empire has been stirred to 
its depths by the tragic death of Lord Kitchener in the 
Hampshire, blown up by a mine off the Shetlands on her 
voyage to Archangel. On the eve of starting on his mission 
to Russia his last official act had been to meet his critics of the 
House of Commons face to face, reply to their questions and 

92 




THE LOST CHIEF 

In Memory of Field-Marshal Earl Kitchener, Maker of Armies 



93 



Mr, PuncHs History of the Great War 



leave them silenced and admiring. On the day of the battle of 
Jutland these critics had moved the Prime Minister to declare 
that Lord Kitchener was personally entitled to the credit for 
the amazing expansion of the army. Sir Mark Sykes, no mean 
authority, asserted that in Germany our War Secretary was 
feared as a great organiser, while in the East his name was one 
to conjure with; and Sir George Reid, a worthy representative 
of the Dominions, observed that his chief fault was that he was 
"not clever at circulating the cheap coin of calculated civilities 
which enable inferior men to rise to positions to which they 
are not entitled." These tributes were delivered in his lifetime; 
they deserve to be contrasted with the appreciations of those 
journalists who clamoured for his appointment, then clamoured 
for his dismissal, and profaned his passing with their insincere 
eulogies. Three weeks of Recess elapsed before the Houses 
could render homage to the illustrious dead. In the Lords the 
debt has been paid by a statesman, Lord Lansdowne, a soldier, 
Lord French, and a friend, Lord Derby. In the Commons the 
speeches were all touched with genuine emotion and the sense 
of personal loss. Through all these various tributes rang the 
note of duty well done, and Mr. Bonar Law did well to remind 
the House of the sure instinct which caused Lord Kitchener to 
realise at the very outset the gigantic nature of the present 
War. In a sense his loss is irreparable, yet his great work was 
accomplished before he died. Sometimes accused of expecting 
others to achieve the impossible, he had achieved it himself in 
the crowning miracle of his life, the improvisation of the New 
Armies. 

The violation of Greek territory by the Bulgarian troops, 
as might be expected, has not led to any effective protest from 
King Constantine. On the contrary, one seems to hear this 
benevolent neutral deprecating any apology on the part of King 
Ferdinand: "Please make yourself at home. This is Liberty 
Hall." 

It is otherwise with the irruption of the Russians under 
General Brusiloff. His great offensive is a source of offence to 
the Austrians, who have good reason to complain that the 
"steam-roller" is exceeding the speed limit. Or to change the 
metaphor, the bear and his tormentor have changed places. 

94 



Echoes of Easter Week 



Ireland has receded a little from her place in the limelight, 
and though debates on martial law continue, and Irish members 
ask an inordinate number of questions arising out of the hot 
Easter week in Dublin, the temperature is no longer " '98 in 
the shade " as a local wit described it at the time. Ministers 
are extremely economical of information : the anticipated 




THE FAR-REACHING EFFECT OF THE RUSSIAN PUSH 



settlement still hangs fire, and there are increasing fears that 
it will not hold water. 

A number of professional fortune-tellers have been fined at 
Southend for having predicted Zeppelins. The fraudulent nature 
of their pretensions was sufficiently manifest, since even the 
authorities had been unable to foresee the Zeppelins until some 
time after they had arrived. 

The discussions in Parliament and out of it of the way in 
which things get into the papers which oughtn't to, are dying 
down. A daily paper, however, has revived them by the head- 
line, "Cabinet leekage." Now, why, in wonder, do they spell 
it in that way ? 

It is quite impossible to keep pace with all the new 
incarnations of women in war-time — 'bus-conductress, ticket- 

95 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



collector, lift-girl, club waitress, post-woman, bank clerk, 
motor-driver, farm-labourer, guide, munition maker. There 
is nothing new in the function of ministering angel : the 
myriad nurses in hospital here or abroad are only carrying out, 
though in greater numbers than ever before, what has always 
been woman's mission. But whenever he sees one of these new 
citizens, or hears fresh stories of their address and ability, 
Mr. Punch is proud and delighted. Perhaps in the past, even 




Farmer (who has got a lady-help in the dairy) : " 'Ullo, Missy, what in the 
world be ye doin' ? " 

Lady : "Well, you told me to water the cows, and I'm doing it. They don't 
seem to like it much." 

in the present, he may have been, or even still is, a little given 
to chaff Englishwomen for some of their foibles, and even their 
aspirations. But he never doubted how splendid they were at 
heart; he never for a moment supposed they would be anything 
but ready and keen when the hour of need struck. 



96 



The New Army on the Somme 



July, igi6. 

ON the home front we have long been accustomed to the 
sound of guns, small and great, but it has come from 
training camps and inspires confidence rather than 
anxiety. We have been spared the horrors of invasion, 
occupation, wholesale devastation. In certain areas the noise 
of bombs and anti-aircraft guns has grown increasingly familiar, 
and on our south-east and east coasts war from the air, on the 
sea, and under the sea has become more and more audible as 
the months pass by. But July has brought us a new experi- 
ence^ — the sound fifty or sixty miles inland in peaceful rural 
England, amid glorious midsummer weather, of the continual 
throbbing night and day of the great guns on the Somme, where 
our first great offensive opened on the ist, and has continued 
with solid and substantial gains, some set-backs, heavy losses 
for the Allies, still heavier for the enemy. Names of villages 
and towns, which hitherto have been to most of us mere names 
on the map, have now become luminous through shining deeds 
of glory and sacrifice — Contalmaison and Mametz, Delville 
Wood, Thiepval and Beaumont-Hamel, Serre and Pozieres. 
The victory, for victory it is, has not been celebrated in the 
German way. England takes her triumphs as she takes defeats, 
without a sign of having turned a hair : 

Yet we are proud because at last, at last 
We look upon the dawn of our desire; 

Because the weary waiting-time is passed 
And we have tried our temper in the fire; 
And proving word by deed 

Have kept the faith we pledged to France at need. 

But most because, from mine and desk and mart, 
Springing to face a task undreamed before, 

Our men, inspired to play their prentice part 
Like soldiers lessoned in the school of war, 
True to their breed and name, 

Went flawless through the fierce baptismal flame. 

And he who brought these armies into life, 
And on them set the impress of his will — 
H 97 



Mr. PuncKs History of the Great War 



Could he be moved by sound of mortal strife, 

There where he lies, their Captain, cold and still 
Under the shrouding tide, 
How would his great heart stir and glow with pride ! 




"TWO HEADS WITH BUT A SINGLE THOUGHT" 

First Head : " What prospects ? 
Second Head : " Rotten." 
First Head: "Same here." 

The results of the battle of the Somme are shown in a variety 
of ways : by the reticence and admissions of the German Press, 
by its efforts to divert attention to the exploits of the commercial 
submarine cruiser Deutschland; above all, by the Kaiser's fresh 
explosions of piety. "The Devil was sick, the Devil a monk 
would be." There is no further sign of his fleet, which remains 
crippled by its "victory." Nor can he, still less his Ally, draw 
comfort from the situation on the Russian or Italian fronts. 

98 




WELL DONE, THE NEW ARMY 



99 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



Mr. Punch finds the usual difficulty in getting any details 
from his correspondents when they have been or are in the 
thick of the righting. Practically all that they have to say is 
that there was a "damned noise," that breakfast was delayed 
by the "morning hate," or that an angry sub besought a weary 
O.C. "to ask our gunners not to serve faults into our front 
line wire." One of them, however, a very wise young man, 
ventures on the prediction that the War will last well into 1918. 
As the result of a brief leave he has learned an important truth. 
"In England they assume that you, having just arrived from 
France, know. When you return to France, it is assumed that 
you, having just arrived from England, know." 

In Parliament Ireland is beginning to suffer from a rival in 
unenviable notoriety. Mesopotamia does not smell particularly 
sweet just now, but that may add to its usefulness as a red 
herring. Geographers are said to have some difficulty in 
defining its exact boundaries, but the Government are probably 
quite convinced that it is situate between the Devil and the 
Deep Sea. Two Special Commissions are to be set up to 
inquire into the Mesopotamian and Dardanelles Expeditions. 
Public opinion has been painfully stirred by the harrowing 
details which have come to light of the preventible sufferings 
endured by British troops. From their point of view the 
supply of their medical needs, now guaranteed, is worth a 
wilderness of Special Commissions. But Ireland still holds 
the floor, though Mr. Asquith is frugal of information as to 
the prospective Irish Bill and has deprecated discussion of 
the Hardinge Report, the most scarifying public document of 
our times. The Lords, unembarrassed by any embargo, have 
discussed the Report in a spirit which must make Mr. Birrell 
thank his stars that he got in his confession first. But why, 
he may ask, should he be judged by Lord Hardinge, himself 
a prospective defendant at the bar of public opinion ? 

Following the lead of a certain section of the Press, certain 
Members have begun to wax vocal on the subject of reprisals, 
uninterned Aliens, and the Hidden Hand. Their appeals to 
the Home Office to go on the spy-trail have not met with much 
sympathy so far. An alleged Austrian taxi-driver has turned 
out to be a harmless Scotsman with an impediment in bis 

100 



John Burns Reappears 



speech. More interesting has been the sudden re-emergence 
of Mr. John Burns. He sank without a trace two years ago, 
but has now bobbed up to denounce the proposal to strengthen 
the Charing Cross railway-bridge. We could have wished 
that he had been ready to "keep the bridge " in another sense; 
but at least he has been a silent Pacificist. Mr. Winston 
Churchill, when his journalistic labours permit, has contributed 
to the debates, and Lord Haldane has again delivered his 
famous lecture on the defects of English education. But for 
Parliamentary sagacity in excelsis commend us to Mr. 
McCallum Scott. He is seriously perturbed about the shortage 
of sausage-skins and, in spite of the bland assurance of Mr. 
Harcourt that supplies are ample, is alleged to be planning a 
fresh campaign with the assistance of Mr. Hogge. Another 
shortage has given rise to no anxiety, but rather the reverse. In 
a police court it was recently stated that there are no longer any 
tramps in England. Evidently the appeal of that stirring old 
song, "Tramp! tramp! tramp! the boys are marching," has 
not been without its effect. Yet another endurable shortage is 
reported from the seaside, where an old sailor on the local sea 



' - : *-^i -i ' ,™-.'" 




Conjurer (unconscious of the approach of hostile aircraft) 
and Gentlemen, 1 want you to watch me closely." 

IOI 



Now, Ladies 



Mr, Punch 's History of the Great War 



front has been lamenting the spiritual starvation brought about 
by the war. "Why," he said, "for the first time for twenty 
years we ain't got no performing fleas down here." And per- 
formers, when they do come, are not always successful in 
riveting the attention of their audience. 



August \ igi6. 

THE third year of the War opens well for the Allies; so 
well that the Kaiser has again issued a statement deny- 
ing that he is responsible for it. The Big Push on the 
Somme goes on steadily, thanks to fine leadership, the steadfast 
heroism of the New Armies, and the loyal co-operation of the 
munition-workers at home, who have deferred their holiday 
rather than hamper their brothers in the trenches by a lessened 
output. 

Here one fact may suffice as a sample. The weekly con- 
sumption of high explosives by the Army is now between eleven 
and twelve thousand times as much as it was in September, 
1914. Yet when a lieutenant is asked to state what it is really 
like being along with the B.E.F. when it is in its pushful 
mood, he sedulously eschews heroics, and will not commit 
himself to saying more than that it's all right — that he doesn't 
think there is any cause for anxiety. "We seem to have ceased 
to have sensations out here. It is a matter of business ; the only 
question is how long is it going to take to complete." So, too, 
with the Tommies. "Wonderful," declares the man in the 
ranks to persistent seekers after thrilling descriptions of 
war. "You never see the like. Across in them trenches there 
was real soda-water in bottles." To return to our lieutenant, 
he "simply can't help being a little sorry for the Boche now that 
his wild oats are coming home to roost." Even his poetic 
friends, formerly soulful and precious, take this restrained view. 
The Attributes of the Enemy are thus summed up by one 
trench bard f 

If Boches laughed and Huns were gents, 
They'd own their share of continents; 
102 




THE BIG PUSH 

Munition Worker: " Well, I'm not taking a holiday myself just 
yet, but I'm sending these kids of mine for a little trip on the 
Continent." 



10; 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



There'd be no fuss, and, what is more, 
There wouldn't even be a war. 
Whereas the end of all this tosh 
Can only be there'll be no Boche. 

Another poet, an R.F.C. man, adopts the same vein, void 
alike of hate or exultation : 

Returning- from my morning fly 

I met a Fokker in the sky, 

And, judging - from its swift descent, 

It had a nasty accident. 

On thinking further of the same 

I rather fear I was to blame. 

It is easy to understand why the enemy nations find 
England so disappointing and unsatisfying to be at war 
with. 

Italy, too, has had her Big Push on the Isonzo, capturing 
Monte Sabotino, which had defied her for fifteen months, and 
Gorizia — a triumph of scientific preparation and intrepid 
assault. The Austrian poison-gas attack on the Asiago plateau 
has been avenged, and the objectives of the long and ineffectual 
offensive of the previous winter carried with thousands of 
prisoners at a comparatively cheap price. To add to Austria's 
humiliation her armies on the Eastern Front have been placed 
under the Prussian Hindenburg. And Rumania has joined 
the Allies at the end of what has been a very bad month for 
the Central Empires. English newspapers have been excluded 
from Germany, and Berlin has added truthless to meatless days. 
But the Germans have long since found a substitute for 
veracity as well as for leather and butter and rubber and bread. 
They are said to have found a substitute for International Law, 
and it is an open secret that they are even now in search of 
a substitute for victory. We might even suggest a few more 
substitutes which have not yet been utilised. As, for example, 
a substitute for Verdun with the German flag flying over it; 
substitutes for several German Colonies; a substitute for 
Austria as an ally; and substitutes for Kultur and Organi- 
sation and Efficiency and World Power and the Mailed Fist 

104 



The Irish Incubus 



and the Crown Prince and the Kaiser and the War and 
all the things that haven't come off. 

Various momentous decisions have been arrived at in Par- 
liament. The Cabinet are not to be cinematographed, and 
unnecessary taxi-whistling is to be suppressed, without any 
prejudice to the squealing of importunate chatterers below the 
gangway. Ireland has again dominated the Parliamentary 
scene; the Nationalists have resumed their freedom of action 
with attacks on Sir John Maxwell and martial law, and are 
displaying an embarrassing industry reminiscent of the 
'Eighties. Mr. Ginnell has been removed by order of the 
Speaker; Mr. Duke has succeeded Mr. Birrell; and the discus- 
sion of three Irish Bills has bulked so large that one might 
almost forget we were at war. In such brief moments as could 
be spared from Irish affairs the Premier has proposed a fresh 
Vote of Credit for 450 millions, has introduced a Bill for extend- 
ing the life of Parliament, and another establishing a new 
Register. The last has been unmercifully belaboured in 
debate, the Prime Minister himself describing it as "a halting, 
lopsided, temporary makeshift." The apparently insoluble 
problem is that of enabling soldiers in the trenches to exercise 
the franchise. Soldiers and sailors can very well wait for their 
votes, but not for their money, and the delays in providing 
pensions for discharged men have been condemned by members 
of all parties. So the War is not altogether forgotten by the 
House. Mr. Lloyd George, the new War Secretary, without 
wasting breath on the pessimistic comments of his colleague 
Mr. Churchill, has given an encouraging survey of the general 
situation. The cry has gone up that Mr. Hughes Must Come 
Back from Australia, and Mr. Swift MacNeill has been rewarded 
for his pertinacity by extracting a promise from Mr. Asquith 
that he will purge the Peerage of its enemy Dukes. Better still 
is the solemn assurance of the Premier that the Government 
are taking steps to discover the identity of all those who are in 
any way responsible for the judicial murder of Captain Fryatt 
— the worst instance of calculated atrocity against non- 
combatants since the murder of Nurse Cavell. 

The education of our New Armies is full of strange and 
noble surprises. Now it is an ex-shop boy converted into an 

105 



Mr. P^mclis History of the Great War 



R.H.A. driver. Or again it is a Tommy learning to appreciate 
the heroism of a French peasant woman : 

'Er bloke's out scrappin' with the rest, 

Pushin' a bay 'net in Argonne; 
She wears 'is photo on 'er breast, 

" Mon Jean/' she sez — the French for John. 

She 'ears the guns boom night an' day; 

She sees the shrapnel burstin' black; 
The sweaty columns march away, 

The stretchers bringin' of 'em back. 

She ain't got no war-leggin's on; 

'Er picture's never in the Press, 
Out scoutin'. She finds breeks "no bon," 

An' carries on in last year's dress. 

At dawn she tows a spotty cow 

To graze upon the village green; 
She plods for miles be'ind a plough, 

An' takes our washin' in between. 

She tills a patch o' spuds besides, 

An' burnt like copper in the sun, 
She tosses 'ay all day, then rides 

The 'orse 'ome when the job is done. 

The times is 'ard — I got me woes, 

With blistered feet an' this an' that, 
An' she's got 'ers, the good Lord knows, 

Although she never chews the fat. 

But when the Boche 'as gulped 'is pill, 
An' crawled 'ome to 'is bloomin' Spree, 

We'll go upon the bust, we will, 
Madame an' Monsieur Jean an' me. 

Or once more it is the young officer shaving himself in a 
captured German dug-out before an old looking-glass looted 

1 06 



Lonely Soldiers 



from a chdteau by a dead German, and apologising to its 
rightful owner : 

Madame, at the end of this long campaign, 
When France comes into her own again 
In the setting where only she can shine, 
As you in your mirror of rare design — 

Forgive me, who dare 

In a German lair 
To shave in your mirror at Pozieres. 

Then there are "lonely soldiers " in India, envious of their 
more fortunate comrades in Flanders, and soldiers quite the 
reverse of lonely during their well-earned leave. 




The Captain : " Your brother is doing splendidly in the Battalion. Before 
long he'll be our best man." 

The SISTER: "Oh, Reginald! Really, this is so very sudden." 

The education of those on the Home Front is also pro- 
ceeding. There are some maids who announce the approach 

107 



Mr. PuncKs History of the Great War 



of Zeppelins as if they were ordinary visitors. There are others 
who politely decline to exchange a seat at an attic window 
for the security of the basement. 




MISTRESS (coming to maid's room as the Zeppelins approach): "Jane! 
Jane ! Won't you come downstairs with the rest of us ? " 

LITTLE Maid : " Oh, thank you, Mum, but I can see beautiful from here, 
Mum." 

According to the German papers Prince Frederick Leopold 
of Prussia has been severely reprimanded by the Kaiser for 
permitting his wild swine to escape from their enclosure and 
damage neighbouring property. It would be interesting to 
know if Prince Leopold excused himself on the ground that he 
had merely followed the All Highest's distinguished example. 
When Princes are rebuked common editors cannot hope to 
escape censure. The editor of the Vorwarts has again been 
arrested, the reason given being that the newspaper does not 
truthfully represent Germany's position in the War. If the 
title of the organ is any indication of its contents the charge 
would appear to be more than justified. 

1 08 



Sweepers of the Sea 



September, igi6. 

IAN HAY " wrote a fine book on "The First Hundred 
Thousand" — the first batch of Kitchener's Army. Another 
book, equally glorious, remains to be written about another 
Hundred Thousand — the Sweepers of the Sea. And with them 
are to be reckoned the heroes of the little ships of whom we 
hear naught save the laconic record in a daily paper that "the 

small steamer struck a mine yesterday and sank," and 

that all the crew were lost : 

Who to the deep in ships go down, 

Great marvels do behold, 
But comes the day when some must drown 

In the grey sea and cold. 
For galleons lost great bells do toll, 

But now we must implore 
God's ear for sunken Little Ships 

Who are not heard of more. 

When ships of war put out to sea, 

They go with guns and mail, 
That so the chance may equal be 

Should foemen them assail; 
But Little Ships men's errands run, 

And are not clad for strife; 
God's mercy, then, on Littie Ships 

Who cannot fight for life. 

To warm and cure, to clothe and feed, 

They stoutly put to sea, 
And since that men of them had need 

Made light of jeopardy ; 
Each in her hour her fate did meet, 

Nor flinched nor made outcry ; 
God's love be with these Little Ships 

Who could not choose but die. 

To friar and nun, and every one 

Who lives to save and tend, 
Sisters were these whose work is done 

And cometh thus to end ; 
109 



Mr. Punclis History of the Great War 



Full well they knew what risk they ran 

But still were strong to give; 
God's grace for all the Little Ships 

Who died that men might live. 

September has brought us good tidings by land and air. 
Thiepval and Combles are ours, and the plague of the Zeppelins 
has been stayed. The downing of the Zepp at Cuffley by 
Lieutenant Robinson gave North London the most thrilling 
aerial spectacle ever witnessed. There has been much diversity 
of opinion as to the safest place to be in during a Zeppelin 
raid — under cover or in the open, on the top floor or in the 
basement; but recent experiences suggest that by far the 
most dangerous place on those occasions is in a Zeppelin. 
But perhaps the most momentous event of the month has been 
the coming of the Tanks, a most humorous and formidable 
addition to the fauna of the battlefield — half battleship, half 
caterpillar — which have given the Germans the surprise of their 
lives, a surprise all the more effective for being sudden and 
complete. The Germans, no doubt, have their surprise packets 
in store for us, but we can safely predict that they are not likely 
to be at once so comic and so efficient as these unlovely but 
painstaking monsters. As an officer at the front writes to a 
friend: "These animals look so dreadfully competent, I am 
quite sure they can swim. Thus, any day now, as you go to 
your business in the City, you may meet one of them trundling 
up Ludgate Hill, looking like nothing on earth and not 
behaving like a gentleman." As for the relations between the 
Allies in the field the same correspondent contributes some 
enlightening details. The French aren't English and the 
English aren't French, and difficulties are bound to arise. The 
course of true love never did run smooth. Here it started, as 
it generally does, with a rush ; infatuation was succeeded by 
friction, and that in turn by the orthodox aftermath of re- 
conciliation. " How do we stand now ? We have settled down 
to one of those attachments which have such an eternity before 
them in the future that they permit of no gushing in the 
present." The War goes well on the Western Front, the worst 
news being the report that the Kaiser has undertaken to refrain 

no 




THE SWEEPERS OF THE SEA 

Mr. Punch : " Risky work, isn't it ? " 

Trawler Skipper: "That's why there's a hundred thousand of 
us doin' it." 



Ill 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



in future from active participation in the conduct of military 
operations. 

Peace reigns at Westminster, where legislators are agree- 
ably conspicuous by their absence. But other agencies are 
active. According to an advertisement in the Nation the 
Fabian Research Department have issued two Reports, "to- 
gether with a Project for a Supernatural Authority that will 
Prevent War." The egg, on the authority of the Daily Mail, 
is "disappearing from our breakfast table," but even the 
humblest of us can still enjoy our daily mare's nest. The effect 
of the Zeppelin on the young has already been shown; but 
even the elderly own its stimulating influence. 



October, igi6. 

MR. PUNCH'S correspondents at the Front have an in- 
corrigible habit of euphemism and levity. Even when 
things go well they are never betrayed into heroics, but 
adhere to the schoolboy formula of "not half bad," just as in the 
blackest hours they would not admit that things were more than 
"pretty beastly." Yet sometimes they deviate for a moment into 
really enlightening comment. No better summary of the situa- 
tion as it stands in the third year of the War can be given than 
in the words of the faithful "Watch-dog," who has long been 
on duty in trench and dug-out and crater-hole : — 

"This War has ceased to become an occupation befitting a 
gentleman — gentleman, that is, of the true Prussian breed. It 
was a happy and honourable task so long as it consisted of 
civilising the world at large with high explosive, poisonous 
gas and burning oil, and the world at large was not too ready 
to answer back. To persist in this stern business, in face of the 
foolish and ignoble obstinacy of the adversary, required great 
courage and strength of mind; but the Prussian is essentially 
courageous and strong. Things came to a pretty pass, however, 
when the wicked adversary made himself some guns and shells 
and took to being stern on his own. People who behave like 
that, especially after they have been conquered, are not to be 
mixed with — anything to keep aloof from such. One had to 

112 




2 a.m. Crash 



Boom ! 



Bang ! 




Where is it ? 



I can't see it ! 



I must see it ! 















I will see it! I shall see it! Hooray 1 

THE REJUVENATING EFFECT OF ZEPPELINS 
1 H3 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



leave Combles, one had to leave Thiepval, one may even have 
to leave Bapaume to avoid the pest; these nasty French and 
English persons, with their disgusting tanks, intrude every- 
where nowadays." The German engineer is being hoist with 
his own petard : 

Yet you may suck sweet solace from the thought 

That not in vain the seed was sown, 
That half the recent havoc we have wrought 

Was based on methods all your own ; 
And smile to hear our heavy batteries 
Pound you with imitation's purest flatteries. 

Yet, at best, this is sorry comfort for the Kaiser. 

It is not a picnic for the men in our front line. Reports 
that the situation is "normal" or "quiet" or "uneventful" 
represent more or less correctly what is happening at G.H.Q., 
Divisional Headquarters, Brigade Headquarters, or even Bat- 
talion Headquarters. They represent understatement to the n th 
when applied to the front trenches. But listen again to the 
"Watch-dog." He admits that some of our diamonds are not 
smooth, but adds "for myself I welcome every touch of nature 
in these our warriors. It is good to be in the midst of them, 
for they thrive as never before, and their comforts are few 
enough these wet bloody days." 

The Crown Prince, after seven months of ineffective carnage 
before Verdun, has been giving an interview to an American 
ex-clergyman, representing the Hearst anti-British newspapers, 
in which he appears in the light of a tender-hearted philan- 
thropist, longing for peace, mercy, and the delights of home- 
life. Mr. Lloyd George, in an interview with an American 
journalist, has defined our policy as that of delivering a "knock 
out " to Prussian military despotism, a pugilistic metaphor 
which has wounded some of our Pacificists. Our Zeppelin bag 
is growing; Count Zeppelin has sworn to destroy London or 
die, but now that John Bull is getting his eye in, the oath 
savours of suicide. 

The Allies have presented an ultimatum to Greece, but Mr. 
Asquith's appeal to the traditions of ancient Hellas is wasted 

114 




(*£%*- >vl 



THE SUNLIGHT.LOSER 

Kaiser (as his sainted Grandfather's clock strikes three): "The 
British are just putting their clocks back an hour. I wish I could 
put ours back about three years." 



115 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



on King Constantine, who, if he had lived in the days of 
Marathon and Salamis, would undoubtedly have been a pro- 
Persian. As for his future, Mr. Punch ventures on a prediction : 

Tino, if some day Hellas should arise 

A phoenix soaring from her present cinders, 

Think not to share her passage to the skies 
Or furnish purple copy for her Pindars; 

You'll be in exile, if you don't take care, 

Along with brother William, Lord knows where ! 

A couple of months ago, on the occasion of sharks appear- 
ing on the Atlantic coast of the U.S.A., it was freely intimated 

at the fashionable 
watering - places 
that there was 
such a thing as 
being too proud 
to bathe. Now 
a new and un- 
timely irritant has 
turned up off the 
same shores in the 
shape of U-boats. 
Their advent is 
all the more in- 
considerate in 
view of the im- 
pending P r e s i- 
dential Election, 
at which Mr. 
Wilson's claim is 
based on having 
kept America out 
of the War. 

Members have 
returned to St. 
Stephen's re- 
freshed by seven 
weeks' holiday, 
and the National- 




COMRADES IN VICTORY 

Combles, September 26th 
Poilu : "Bravo, mon vieux!" 
Tommy: "Same to you, mate." 

116 



The Woes of Sinn Fein 



ists have been recruiting their energies, but unfortunately 
nothing else, in Ireland. By way of signalising his 
restoration, after an apology, Mr. Ginnell handed in 
thirty-nine questions — the fruits of his enforced leisure. 
The woes of the interned Sinn Feiners who have been 
condemned to sleep in a disused distillery at Frongoch have 
been duly brought forward and the House invited to declare that 
"the system of government at present maintained in Ireland 
is inconsistent with the principles for which the Allies are 
fighting in Europe." The system of administration in Ireland 
is, and always has been, inconsistent with any settled prin- 
ciples whatsoever ; but to propose such a motion now is equivalent 
to affirming that Ireland is being treated by Great Britain as 
Belgium and Poland and Serbia have been treated by Germany. 
Mr. Redmond made no attempt to prove this absurd thesis, 
but when he demanded that martial law should be withdrawn 
and the interned rebels let loose in a Home-ruled Ireland — 
while the embers of the rebellion were still dangerously 
smouldering — he asked too much even of that amicable and 
trustful beast, the British Lion. Mr. Duke is not exactly a 
sparkling orator, but he said one thing which needed saying, 
namely, that Irishmen ought to work out a scheme of Home 
Rule for themselves, and lay it before Parliament, instead of 
expecting Englishmen to do their work for them and then com- 
plaining of the result. In the division-lobby the Nationalists 
received the assistance of some forty or fifty British Members, 
who supported the motion, Mr. Punch suspects, more out of 
hatred of the Coalition than of love for Ireland. But they were 
easily out-voted by British Home Rulers alone. The impres- 
sion left by the debate was that the Nationalist Members had a 
great deal more sympathy with the Sinn Feiners than they had 
with the innocent victims of the rebellion. 

The need of a War propaganda at home is illustrated 
by the answers to correspondents in the Leeds Mercury. 
"Reasonable questions" are invited, and here is one of the 
answers : "T.B. — No, it is not General Sir William Robertson, 
but the Rev. Sir William Robertson Nicoll who edits The 
British Weekly." But then, as another journal pathetically 
observes, "About nine-tenths of what we say is of no earthly 

117 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 




MOTHER : " Come away, Jimmy ! Maybe it ain't properly stuffed." 

importance to anybody." Further light is thrown on this con- 
fession by the claim of an Islington applicant for exemption : 
"Once I was a circus clown, but now I am on an evening 
newspaper." 

•We are grateful to Russia for her efforts, but, as our artist 
shows above, the plain person is apparently uncertain as to the 
quality of our Ally. 

We are glad to learn that, on the suggestion of Mr. Asquith, 
the Lord Mayor's banquet will be "of a simple nature." 
Apropos of diet, an officer expecting leave writes : " My London 
programme is fixed; first a Turkish bath, and then a nice fried 
sole." History repeats itself. A fried sole was the luxury 
which officers who served in the Boer War declared that they 
enjoyed most of all after their campaigning. 



November, igi6. 

FRANCIS JOSEPH of Austria has died on the tottering- 
throne which has been his for nearly seventy years. In 
early days he had been hated, but he had shown valour. 
Later on he had shown wisdom, and had been pitied for his 

118 



Hindenburg itis 



misfortunes. It was a crowning irony of fate which condemned 
him in old age to become the dupe and tool of an Assassin. 
He should have died before the War — certainly before the 
tragedy of Sarajevo. 

The British Push has extended to the Ancre, and the Crown 
Prince, reduced to the position of a pawn in Hindenburg's 
game, maintains a precarious hold on the remote suburbs of 
Verdun. Well may he be sick, after nine months of futile 
carnage, of a name which already ranks in renown with 
Thermopylae. 

As the credit of the Crown Prince wanes, so the cult of 



Hindenburg waxes. 




HINDENBURGITIS ; OR, THE PRUSSIAN HOME MADE BEAUTIFUL 

Monastir has been recaptured by the Serbians and French; 
but Germany has had her victories too, and, continuing her 
warfare against the Red Cross, has sunk two hospital ships. 
Germany's U-boat policy is going to win her the War. At 
least so Marshal Hindenburg says, and the view is shared by 
that surprising person the neutral journalist. But in the mean- 
time it subjects the affections of the neutral sailorman to a 
severe trial. 

119 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



King Constantine, however, remains unshaken in his 
devotion to German interests. He has also shown marked 
originality by making up a Cabinet exclusively composed of 
University Professors. But some critics scent in his action a 
hint of compulsory Ministerial Service, and predict Labour 
troubles. 

At home we have to note the steady set of the tide of public 
opinion in favour of Food Control. The name of the Dictator 
is not yet declared, but the announcement cannot be long 
postponed. Whoever he may be, he is not to be envied. We 
have also to note the steady growth on every side of Government 
bungalows — the haunts (if some critics are to be believed) of the 
Great Uncombed, even of the Hidden Hand. The men of 
forty-one were not wanted last March. Mr. Lloyd George tells 
us that they are wanted now, or it would mean the loss of two 
Army Corps. The Germans, by the way, appear to be arriving 
at a just conception of their relative value. Lord Newton has 
informed the Lords that the enemy is prepared to release 600 
English civilian prisoners in return for some 4,000 to 7,000 
Germans. Parliament has developed a new grievance : 
Ministers have confided to Pressmen information denied to 
M.P.'s. And a cruel wrong has been done to Erin, according 
to Mr. Dillon, by the application of Greenwich time to Ireland, 
by which that country has been compelled to surrender its 
precious privilege of being twenty-five minutes behind the 
times. The injustice is so bitter that it has reconciled Mr. Dillon 
and Mr. Healv. 

The Premier has hinted that if the House insisted on having 
fuller information than it receives at present another Secret 
Session might be held. When one considers the vital problems 
on which Parliament now concentrates its energies — the supply 
of cocaine to dentists, the withholding of pictures of the Tanks, 
etc. — one feels that there should be a Secret Session at least once 
a week. Indeed, if the House were to sit permanently with 
closed doors, unobserved and unreported, the country might be 
all the better for it. 

It is the fashion in some quarters to make out that fathers 
do not realise the sacrifice made by their sons, but complacently 
acquiesce in it while they sit comfortably at home over the fire. 

120 




A STRAIN ON THE AFFECTIONS 

Norwegian (to Swede): "What— you here, too. I thought 
you were a friend of Germany ? 
Swede : " I was." 



121 



Mr. PuncKs History of the Great War 



Mr. Punch has not met these fathers. The fathers— and still 
more the mothers — that he knows recognise only too well the 
unpayable nature of their debt. 

They held, against the storms of fate, 

In war's tremendous game, 
A little land inviolate 

Within a world of flame. 

They looked on scarred and ruined lands, 

On shell-wrecked fields forlorn, 
And gave to us, with open hands, 

Full fields of yellow corn; 

The silence wrought in wood and stone 

Whose aisles our fathers trod; 
The pines that stand apart, alone, 

Like sentinels of God. 

With generous hands they paid the price, 

Unconscious of the cost, 
But we must gauge the sacrifice 

By all that they have lost. 

The joy of young adventurous ways, 

Of keen and undimmed sight, 
The eager tramp through sunny days, 

The dreamless sleep of night, 

The happy hours that come and go, 

In youth's untiring quest, 
They gave, because they willed it so, 

With some light-hearted jest. 

No lavish love of future years, 

No passionate regret, 
No gift of sacrifice or tears 

Can ever pay the debt. 

Yet if ever you try to express this indebtedness to the 
wonderful young men who survive, they turn the whole thing 
into a jest and tell you, for example, that only two things really 
interest them, "Europe and their stomachs" — nothing in 
between matters. 

122 



Another Secret Session 




Pat (examining fare) : " May the divil destroy the Germans ! " 

Sub : " Well, they don't do you much harm, anyway. You don't get near 

enough to "em." 

Pat : " Do they not, thin ? Have they not kilt all the half-crown officers and 

left nothing but the shillin' ones ? " 

Guy Fawkes Day has come and gone without fireworks, 
pursuant to the Defence of the Realm Act. Even Parliament 
omitted to sit. Apropos of Secret Sessions, Lord Northcliffe has 
been accused of having had one all to himself and some five 
hundred other gentlemen at a club luncheon. The Daily Mail 
describes the debate on the subject as a "gross waste of time," 
which seems to come perilously near lese-majeste! But then, as 
a writer in the Evening News — another Northcliffe paper — 
safely observes, "It is the failing of many people to say what 
they think without thinking." 



12. 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



December^ igi6. 

RUMANIA has unhappily given Germany the chance of a 
cheap and spectacular triumph — of which, after being 
■ badly pounded on the Somme, she was sorely in need. 
Here was a comparatively small nation, whom the Germans 
could crush under their heel as they had crushed Belgium and 
Serbia. So in Rumania they concentrated all the men they 
could spare from other fronts and put them under their best 
generals. Their first plans were thwarted, but eventually the 
big guns had their way and Bukarest fell. Then, after the usual 
display of bunting and joy-bells in Berlin, was the moment to 
make a noble offer of peace. The German peace overtures re- 
mind one of Mr. Punch's correspondents of the American 
advertisement: "If John Robinson, with whose wife I eloped 
six months ago, will take her back, all will be forgiven." 

The shadowy proposals of those who preach humanity while 
they practise unrestricted frightfulness have not deceived the 
Allies. They know, and have let the enemy know, that they 
must go on until they have made sure of an enduring peace by 
reducing the Central Empires to impotence for evil. 

When Mr. Asquith announced in the House on December 4 
the King's approval of Reconstruction, few Members guessed that 
in twenty-four hours he would have ceased to be Prime Minister 
and that Mr. Lloyd George would have begun Cabinet-making. 
There has been much talk of intrigue. But John Bull doesn't 
care who leads the country so long as he leads it to victory. 
And as for Certain People Somewhere in France, we shall 
probably not be far wrong in interpreting their view of the 
present change as follows : 

Thank God, we keep no politicians here; 

Fighting's our game, not talking; all we ask 
Is men and means to face the coming year 
And consummate our task. 

Give us the strongest leaders you can find, 

Tory or Liberal, not a toss care we, 
So they are swift to act and know their mind 
Too well to wait and see. 
124 




THE RETURN OF THE MOCK TURTLE-DOVE 



I (breathlessly): "Well?" 



Kaiser 

Bethmann-Hollweg, 

The Bird : "Wouldn't even look at me ! " 



125 



Mr. Punch* s History of the Great War 



The ultimate verdict on Mr. Asquith's services to the State 
as Prime Minister for the first two and a half years of the 
War will not be founded on the Press Campaign which has 
helped to secure his downfall. But, as one of the most bitterly 
and unjustly assailed ex-Ministers has said, "personal reputa- 
tions must wait till the end of the War." Meanwhile, we have 
a Premier who, whatever his faults, cannot be charged with 
supineness. 




THE NEW CONDUCTOR 
Opening of the 1917 Overture. 

Mr. Bonar Law, the new Leader of the House, has made his 
first appearance as Chancellor of the Exchequer. Moving a 
further Vote of Credit for 400 millions, he disclosed the fact 
that the daily cost of the War was nearer six than five millions. 
In regard to the peace proposals he found himself unable to 
better the late Prime Minister's statement that the Allies would 

126 



Willie Redmond's Speech 



require "adequate reparation for the past and adequate security 
for the future." In lucidity and dignity of statement Mr. 
Asquith was certainly above criticism. Lord Devonport has 
been appointed Food Controller and warned us of rigours to 
come. The most thrilling speech heard at Westminster this 
month has been that of Major Willie Redmond, fresh from the 
invigorating atmosphere of the front. While some seventy odd 
Nationalist Members are mainly occupied in brooding over 
Ireland's woes, two are serving, in the trenches — William 
Redmond and Stephen Gwynn, both of them middle-aged men. 
si sic omnes ! 

Our wounded need all their patience to put up with the 
curiosity of non-combatants. A lady, after asking a Tommy 
on leave what the stripes on his arm were for, being told that 
they were one for each time he was wounded, is reported to 
have observed, " Dear me ! How extraordinary that you should 
be wounded three times in the same place ! " Even real affection 
is not always happily expressed. 




" Have you brought me any souvenirs ? " 

" Only this little bullet that the doctor took out of my side. 

' I wish it had been a German helmet." 



127 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



The tenderness with which King Constantine is still treated, 
even after the riot in Athens in which our bluejackets have 
been badly mishandled, is taxing the patience of moderate men. 
Mr. Punch, for example, exasperated by the cumulative effect of 
Tino's misdeeds, has been goaded into making a formidable 
forecast of surrender or exit : 

You say your single aim is just to use 

Your regal gifts for your beloved nation; 

Why, then, I see the obvious line to choose, 
Meaning, of course, the path of abdication ; 

Make up your so-called mind — I frankly would — 

To leave your country for your country's good. 

The German Emperor was prevented from being present at 
the funeral of the late Emperor Francis Joseph by a chill. One 
is tempted to think that in a lucid interval of self-criticism 
William of Hohenzollern may have wished to spare his aged 
victim this crowning mockery. 

Motto for Meatless Days : "The time is out of joint." This 
is a raison de plus for establishing an Entente in the kitchen 
and getting Marianne to show Britannia how to cook a cabbage. 



January, igi?. 

THOUGH the chariots of War still drive heavily, 1917 
finds the Allies in good heart — "war-weary but war- 
hardened." The long agony of Verdun has ended in 
triumph for the French, and Great Britain has answered the 
Peace Talk of Berlin by calling a War Conference of the 
Empire. The New Year has brought us a new Prime 
Minister, a new Cabinet, a new style of Minister. Captains 
of Commerce are diverted from their own business for the 
benefit of the country. In spite of all rumours to the contrary 
Lord Northcliffe remains outside the new Government, but his 
interest in it is, at present, friendly. It is very well understood, 
however, that everyone must behave. And in this context Mr. 
Punch feels that a tribute is due to the outgoing Premier. 
Always reserved and intent, he discouraged Press gossip to 

128 




THE DAWN OF DOUBT 

Gretchen : " I wonder if this gentleman really is my good angel 
after all!" 



I2Q 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



such a degree as actually to have turned the key on the Tenth 
Muse. Interviewers had no chance. He came into office, held 
it and left it without a single concession to Demos' love of 
personalia. 

Germany has not yet changed her Chancellor, though he is 
being bitterly attacked for his "silly ideas of humanity" — and 
her rulers have certainly shown no change of heart. General 
von Bissing's retirement from Belgium is due to health, not 
repentance. The Kaiser still talks of his "conscience" and 
"courage" in freeing the world from the pressure which 
weighs upon all. He is still the same Kaiser and Constantine 
the same "Tino," who, as the Berliner Tageblatt bluntly 
remarks, "has as much right to be heard as a common 
criminal." Yet signs are not wanting of misgivings in the 
German people. 

Mr. Wilson has launched a new phrase on the world — 
" Peace without Victory " ; but War is not going to be 
ended by phrases, and the man who is doing more than any- 
one else to end it — the British infantryman — has no use for 

them : 

The gunner rides on horseback, he lives in luxury, 

The sapper has his dug-out as cushy as can be, 

The flying man's a sportsman, but his home's a long way back, 

In painted tent or straw-spread barn or cosy little shack; 

Gunner and sapper and flying man (and each to his job say I) 

Have tickled the Hun with mine or gun or bombed him from on 

high, 
But the quiet work, and the dirty work, since ever the War began, 
Is the work that never shows at all, the work of the infantryman. 

The guns can pound the villages and smash the trenches in, 
And the Hun is fain for home again when the T.M.B.s begin, 
And the Vickers gun is a useful one to sweep a parapet, 
But the real work is the work that's done with bomb and bayonet. 
Load him down from heel to crown with tools and grub and kit, 
He's always there where the fighting is — he's there unless he's hit; 
Over the mud and the blasted earth he goes where the living can; 
He's in at the death while he yet has breath, the British infantry- 
man ! 

130 



The Spirit of the New Armies 



Trudge and slip on the shell-hole's lip, and fall in the clinging- mire — 
Steady in front, go steady ! Close up there ! Mind the wire ! 
Double behind where the pathways wind ! Jump clear of the ditch, 

jump clear ! 
Lost touch at the back? Oh, halt in front! And duck when the 

shells come near ! 
Carrying parties all night long, all day in a muddy trench, 
With your feet in the wet and your head in the rain and the sodden 

khaki's stench ! 
Then over the top in the morning, and onward all you can — 
This is the work that wins the War, the work of the infantryman. 

And if anyone should think that this means the permanent 
establishment of militarism in our midst let him be comforted 
by the saying of an old sergeant-major when asked to give a 
character of one of his men. " He's a good man in the trenches, 
and a good man in a scrap; but you'll never make a soldier of 
him." The new armies fight all the harder because they want 
to make an end not of this war but of all wars. As for the 
regulars, there is no need to enlarge on their valour. But it is 
pleasant to put on record the description of an officer's servant 
which has reached Mr. Punch from France: "Valet, cook, 
porter, boots, chamber-maid, ostler, carpenter, upholsterer, 
mechanic, inventor, needlewoman, coalheaver, diplomat, 
barber, linguist (home-made), clerk, universal provider, com- 
plete pantechnicon and infallible bodyguard, he is also a 
soldier, if a very old soldier, and a man of the most human 
kind." 

Parliament is not sitting, but there is, unfortunately, no 
truth in the report that in order to provide billets for 5,000 new 
typists and incidentally to win the War, the Government has 
commandeered the Houses of Parliament. The Times Literary 
Supplement received 335 books of original verse in 1916, and it 
is rumoured that Mr. Edward Marsh may very shortly take up 
his duties as Minister of Poetry and the Fine Arts. Mr. Marsh 
has not yet decided whether he will appoint Mr. Asquith or 
Mr. Winston Churchill as his private secretary. Meanwhile, 
a full list of the private secretaries of the new private secretaries 
of the members of the new Government may at any moment be 
disclosed to a long suffering public. 

131 



Mr. PuncJis History of the Great War 



On the Home Front the situation shows that a famous 
literary critic was also a true prophet : 

O Matthew Arnold ! You were right : 
We need more Sweetness and more Light; 
For till we break the brutal foe, 
Our sugar's short, our lights are low. 

The domestic problem daily grows more acute. A maid, 
who asked for a rise in her wages to which her mistress 
demurred, explained that the gentleman she walked out with 
had just got a job in a munition factory and she would be 
obliged to dress up to him. 



Cook (who, after interview with prospective mistress, is going to think it over) : 
" 'Ullo ! Prambilator ! If you'd told me you 'ad children I needn't have troubled 
meself to 'ave come." 

The Prospective Mistress : " Oh ! B-but if you think the place would other- 
wise suit you, I dare say we could board the children out." 

Maids are human, however, though their psychology is 
sometimes disconcerting. One who was told by her mistress 
not to worry because her young man had gone into the trenches 
responded cheerfully, "Oh, no, ma'am, I've left off worrying 
now. He can't walk out with anyone else while he's there." 

132 




THE RECRUIT WHO TOOK TO IT KINDLY 



133 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



February, igiy. 

THE rulers of Germany — the Kaiser and his War-lords — 
proclaimed themselves the enemies of the human race in 
the first weeks of the War. But it has taken two years 
and a half to break down the apparently inexhaustible patience 
of the greatest of the neutrals. A year and three-quarters has 
elapsed since the sinking of the Lusitania. The forbearance of 
President Wilson — in the face of accumulated insults, inter- 
ference in the internal politics of the United States, the pro- 
motion of strikes and sabotage by the agents of Count 
Bernstorff — has exposed him to hard and even bitter criticism 
from his countrymen. Perhaps he over-estimated the strength 
of the German-American and Pacificist dements. But his 
difficulties are great, and his long suffering diplomacy has at 
least this merit, that if America enters the War it will be as a 
united people. Germany's decision to resort to unrestricted 
submarine warfare on February i is the last straw : now even 
Mr. Henry Ford has offered to place his works at the disposal 
of the American authorities. 

Day by day we read long lists of merchant vessels sunk by 
U-boats, and while the Admiralty's reticence on the progress 
of the anti-submarine campaign is legitimate and necessary, 
the withholding of statistics of new construction does not make 
for optimism. Victory will be ours, but not without effort. The 
great crisis of the War is not passed. That has been the burden 
of all the speeches at the opening of Parliament from the 
King's downward. 

Lord Curzon, who declared that we were now approaching 
"the supreme and terrible climax of the War," has spoken of 
the late Duke of Norfolk as a man "diffident about powers 
which were in excess of the ordinary." Is not that true of the 
British race as a whole ? Only now, under the stress of a long- 
drawn-out conflict, is it discovering the variety and strength of 
its latent forces. The tide is turning rapidly in Mesopotamia. 
General Maude, who never failed to inspire the men under his 
command on the Western front with a fine offensive spirit, has 
already justified his appointment by capturing Kut, and starting 
on a great drive towards Baghdad. 

134 




THE LAST THROW 



135 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



On the Salonika front, to quote from one of Mr. Punch's 
ever-increasing staff of correspondents, "all our prospects are 
pleasing and only Bulgar vile." On the Western front the 
British have taken Grandcourt, and our " Mudlarks," encamped 
on an ocean of ooze, preserve a miraculous equanimity in spite 
of the attention of rats and cockroaches and the vagaries of 
the transport mule. 




Head of Government Department (in his private room in recently com- 
mandeered hotel) : " Boy ! Bring some more coal ! " 

At home the commandeering of hotels to house the new 
Ministries proceeds apace, and a request from an inquiring peer 
for a comprehensive return of all the buildings requisitioned 
and the staffs employed has been declined on the ground that 
to provide it would put too great a strain on officials engaged 
on work essential to winning the War. 

The criticisms on the late Cabinet for its bloated size have 
certainly not led to any improvement in this respect, and one 
of the late Ministers has complained that the Administration 
has been further magnified until, if all its members, including 
under-secretaries, were present, they would fill not one but 
three Treasury Benches. Already this is a much congested 
district at question-time and the daily scene of a great push. 

136 



Ministers and their Critics 



Up to the present there are, however, only thirty-three actual 
Ministers of the Crown, and their salaries only amount to the 
trifle of ,£133,000. The setting up of a War Cabinet, "a body 
utterly unknown to the law," has excited the resentment of 
Mr. Swift MacNeill, whose reverence for the Constitution (save 
in so far as it applies to Ireland) knows no bounds; and Mr. 
Lynch has expressed the view that it would be a good idea if 
Ireland were specially represented at the Peace Conference, in 
order that her delegates might assert her right to self-government. 
England, in February, 1917, seems to deserve the title of 
"the great Loan Land." Amateurs of anagrams have found 
satisfaction in the 
identity of 
"Bonar Law" 
with "War Loan 
B." As a cynic 
has remarked, "in 
the midst of life 
we are in debt." 
But the cham- 
pions of national 
economy are not 
happy. The staff 
of the new Pen- 
sions Minister, it 
is announced, 
will be over two 
thousand. It is 
still hoped, how- 
ever, that there 
may be a small 
surplus which can 
be devoted to the 
needs of disabled 
soldiers. Our 
great warriors are 
in danger of being 
swamped by our 
small but innu- 
merable officials. 




A PLAIN DUTY 

" Well, good-bye, old chap, and good luck ! I'm 
going in here to do my bit, the beet way I can. The 
more everybody scrapes together for th« War Loan, 
the sooner you'll be back from the trenches." 

137 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



The older Universities, given over for two years to 
wounded soldiers and a handful of physically unfit or coloured 
undergraduates, are regaining a semblance of life by the 
housing of cadet battalions in some colleges. The Rhodes 
scholars have all joined up, and normal academic life is still in 
abeyance : 

In Tom his Quad the Bloods no longer flourish ; 

Balliol is bare of all but mild Hindoos; 
The stalwart oars that Isis used to nourish 

Are in the 'trenches giving Fritz the Blues, 
And many a stout D.D. 

Is digging trenches with the V.T.C. 

It is true that Mr. Bernard Shaw has visited the front. No 
reason is assigned for this rash act, and too little has been 
made of the fact that he wore khaki — just like an ordinary 




The Brothers Tingo, who are exempted from military service, do their bit by 
helping to train ladies who are going on the land. 

138 



The End of Tsardom 



person. Amongst other signs of the times we note that women 
are to be licensed as taxi-drivers : 

War has taught the truth that shines 
Through the poet's noble lines : 
" Common are to either sex 
Artifex and opifex." 

A new danger is involved in the spread of the Army 
Signalling Alphabet. The names of Societies are threatened. 
The dignity of Degrees is menaced by a code which converts 
B.A. into Beer Ack. Initials are no longer sacred, and the 
great T.P. will become Toe Pip O'Connor, unless some Emma 
Pip introduces a Bill to prevent the sacrilege. 



March, igi/ r . 

WITH the end of Tsardom in Russia, the fall of Baghdad, 
and the strategic retreat of Hindenburg on the Western 
front, all crowded into one month, March fully main- 
tains its reputation for making history at the expense of Csesars 
and Kaisers. It seems only the other day when the Tsar's 
assumption of the title of Generalissimo lent new strength to 
the legend of the "Little Father." But the forces of "unholy 
Russia " — Pro-German Ministers and the sinister figure of 
Rasputin — have combined to his undoing, and now none is so 
poor to do him reverence. In the House of Commons everybody 
seems pleased, including Mr. Devlin, who has been quite states- 
manlike in his appreciation, and the Prime Minister, in one of 
his angelic visits to the House, evoked loud cheers by describing 
the Revolution as one of the landmarks in the history of the 
world. But no one noticed that Sir Henry Campbell- 
Bannerman's outburst in 1906, just after the dissolution of 
Russia's first elected Parliament: "La Duma est morte ; vive 
la Duma! " has now been justified by the event — at any rate 
for the moment, for Revolutions are rich in surprises and re- 
actions. The capture of Baghdad inspires no misgivings, except 
in the bosoms of Nationalist members, who detect in the mani- 

139 



Mr. PuncKs History of the Great War 



festo issued by General Maude fresh evidences of British 
hypocrisy. 

The fleet of Dutch merchantmen, which has been sunk by 
a waiting submarine, sailed under a German guarantee of "re- 
lative security." Germany is so often misunderstood. It 
should be obvious by this time that her attitude to International 
Law has always been one of approximate reverence. The shells 
with which she bombarded Rheims Cathedral were contingent 
shells, and the Lusitania was sunk by a relative torpedo. 
Neutrals all over the world, who are smarting just now under 
a fresh manifestation of Germany's respective goodwill, should 
try to realise before they take any action what is the precise 
situation of our chief enemy": He has (relatively) won the War ; 
he has (virtually) broken the resistance of the Allies; he has 
(conditionally) ample supplies for his people; in particular he 
is (morally) rich in potatoes. His finances at first sight appear 
to be pretty heavily involved, but that soon will be adjusted 
by (hypothetical) indemnities; he has enormous (proportional) 
reserves of men; he has (theoretically) blockaded Great Britain, 
and his final victory is (controvertibly) at hand. But his most 
impressive argument, which cannot fail to come home to 
hesitating Neutrals, is to be found in his latest exhibition of 
offensive power, namely, in his (putative) advance — upon the 
Ancre. 

A grave statement made by the Under-Secretary for War as 
to the recent losses of the Royal Flying Corps on the Western 
front and the increased activity of the German airmen has 
created some natural depression. The command of the 
air fluctuates, but the spirit of our airmen is a sure earnest 
that the balance will be redressed in our favour. Mr. Punch 
has already paid his tribute to the British infantryman. Let 
him now do his homage to the heroes whose end is so often 
disguised under the laconic announcement: "One of our 
machines did not return." 

I like to think it did not fall to earth, 
A wounded bird that trails a broken wing, 

But to the heavenly blue that gave it birth, 
Faded in silence, a mysterious thing, 
140 




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o 

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u 

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W Eg 

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141 



Mr. Punch 's History of the Great War 



Cleaving - its radiant course where honour lies 
Like a winged victory mounting- to the skies. 

The clouds received it, and the pathless night; 

Swift as a flame, its eager force unspent, 
We saw no limit to its daring flight; 

Only its pilot knew the way it went, 
And how it pierced the maze of flickering stars 
Straight to its goal in the red planet Mars. 

So to the entrance of that fiery gate, 

Borne by no current, driven by no breeze, 

Knowing no guide but some compelling fate, 
Bold navigators of uncharted seas, 

Courage and youth went proudly sweeping by, 

To win the unchallenged freedom of the sky. 

Parliament has been occupied with many matters, from the 
Report of the Dardanelles Commission to the grievances of 
Scots bee-keepers. The woes of Ireland have not been for- 
gotten, and the Nationalists have been busily engaged in getting 
Home Rule out of cold storage. Hitherto every attempt of the 
British Sisyphus to roll the Stone of Destiny up the Hill of 
Tara has found a couple of Irishmen at the top ready to roll 
it down again. Let us hope that this time they will co-operate 
to install it there as the throne of a loyal and united Ireland. 
Believers in the "Hidden Hand " have been on the war-path, 
and as a result of prolonged discussion as to the responsibility 
for the failure of the effort to force the Dardanelles, the House 
is evidently of opinion that Lord Fisher might now be let alone 
by foes and friends. The idea of blaming Queen Elisabeth 
for the fiasco is so entirely satisfactory to all parties concerned 
that one wonders why the Commission couldn't have thought 
of that itself. 

Mr. Bernard Shaw, returned from his "joy-ride" at the Front, 
has declared that "there is no monument more enduring than 
brass " ; the general feeling, however, is that there is a kind 
of brass that is beyond enduring. Armageddon is justified 
since it has given him a perfectly glorious time. He is obliged, 
in honesty, to state that the style of some of the buildings 
wrecked by the Germans was quite second rate. He entered 

142 




THE INFECTIOUS HORNPIPE 



143 



Mr, Punch s History of the Great War 



and emerged from the battle zone without any vulgar emotion ; 
remaining immune from pity, sorrow, or tears. In" short: 

He went through the fiery furnace, but never a hair was missed 
From the heels of our most colossal Arch-Super-Egotist. 

According to the latest news from Sofia, 35,000 Bulgarian 
geese are to be allowed to go to Germany. As in the case of 
the Bulgarian Fox who went to Vienna, there appears to be 
little likelihood that they will ever return. 




f&ippf 



FOOD RESTRICTION 

Scene : Hotel. 

Little Girl : " Oh, Mummy ! They've given me a dirty plate." 
Mother : " Hush, darling. That's the soup." 

Apropos of food supplies, Lord Devonport has developed a 
sense of judicial humour, having approved a new dietary for 
prisoners, under which the bread ration will be cut down to 
63 ounces per week, or just one ounce less than the allowance of 
the free and independent Englishman. The latest morning 
greeting is now: "Comment vous Devonportez-vous? " 

144 



America Enters the War 



April, igiy. 

ONCE more the rulers of Germany have failed to read the 
soul of another nation. They thought there was no 
limit to America's forbearance, and they thought wrong. 
America is now "all in " on the side of the Allies. The Stars 
and Stripes and the Union Jack are flying side by side over 
the Houses of Parliament. On the motion introduced in both 
Houses to welcome our new Ally, Mr. Bonar Law, paraphrasing 
Canning, declared that the New World had stepped in to redress 
the balance of the old; Mr. Asquith, with a fellow-feeling, no 
doubt, lauded the patience which had enabled President Wilson 
to carry with him a united nation ; and Lord Curzon quoted 
Bret Harte. The memory of some unfortunate phrases is 
obliterated by the President's historic message to Congress, 
and his stirring appeal to his countrymen to throw their entire 
weight into the Allied scale. The War, physically as well as 
morally, is now Germania contra Mundum. Yet, while we hail 
the advent of a powerful and determined Ally, there is no 
disposition to throw up our hats. The raw material of man- 
power in America is magnificent in numbers and quality, but 
it has to be equipped and trained and brought across the 
Atlantic. Many months, perhaps a whole year, must elapse 
before its weight can be felt on the battle front. The transport 
of a million men over submarine-infested seas is no easy task. 
But while we must wait for the coming of the Americans on 
land, their help in patrolling the seas may be counted on 
speedily. 

The British have entered Peronne; the Canadians have 
captured Vimy Ridge. But the full extent of German 
frightfulness has never been so clearly displayed as in their 
retreat. Here, for once, the German account of their own doings 
is true. "In the course of these last months great stretches 
of French territory have been turned by us into a dead country. 
It varies in width from 10 to 12 or 13 kilometres, and extends 
along the whole of our new positions. No village or farm was 
left standing, no road was left passable, no railway track or 
embankment was left in being. Where once were woods, there 
are gaunt rows of stumps; the wells have been blown up. . . . 
K 145 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



In front of our new positions runs, like a gigantic ribbon, our 
Empire of Death " (Lokal Anzeiger, March 18, 1917). The 
general opinion of the Boche among the British troops is that 
he is only good at one thing, and that is destroying other 
people's property. One of Mr. Punch's correspondents writes 
to say that while the flattened villages and severed fruit trees 
are a gruesome spectacle, for him "all else was forgotten in 
speechless admiration of the French people. 




The New-comer : " My village, I think ? " 

The One in Possession : "Sorry, old thing; I took it half-an-hour ago. 



"Their self-restraint and adaptability are beyond words. 
These hundreds of honest people, just relieved from the 
domineering of the Master Swine, and restored to their own 
good France again, were neither hysterical nor exhausted." The 
names of the new German lines — Wotan and Siegfried and 
Hunding — are not without significance. We accept the omen : 
it will not be long before we hear of fresh German activities 
in the Gotterdammerung line. Count Reventlow has informed 
the Kaiser that without victory a continuation of the Monarchy 
is improbable. The "repercussion " of Revolution is making 

146 




SWOOPING FROM THE WEST 

(// is the intention of our new All]) to assist us in the patrolling 
of the Atlantic.) 



147 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



itself felt. Even the Crown Prince is reported to have felt 
misgivings as to the infection of anti-monarchial ideas, and 
Mr. Punch is moved to forecast possibilities of upheaval : 

Not that the Teuton's stolid wits 

Are built to plan so rude a plot; 
Somehow I cannot picture Fritz 

Careering as a sans-culotte ; 
Schooled to obedience, hand and heart, 

I can imagine nothing odder 
Than such behaviour on the part 

Of inoffensive cannon-fodder. 

And yet one never really knows. 

You cannot feed his massive trunk 
On fairy tales of beaten foes, 

Or Hindenburg-'s "victorious" bunk; 
And if his rations run too short 

Through this accursed British blockade, 
Even the worm may turn and sport 

A revolutionary cockade. 

On the German Roll of Dishonour this month appears the 
name of one who has been grande et conspicuum nostro quo que 
tempore monstrum. Baron Moritz Ferdinand von Bissing, the 
German Military Governor-General of Belgium, who was largely 
responsible for the murder of Nurse Cavell and the chief insti- 
gator of the infamous Belgian deportations, after being granted 
a rest from his labours, is reported to have died "of overwork." 
Here for once we find ourselves in perfect agreement with the 
official German view. In a recent character sketch of the de- 
ceased Baron, the Cologne Gazette observed, "He is a fine 
musician, and his execution was good." It would have been. 

The proceedings in Parliament do not call for extended 
comment. Mr. Asquith has handsomely recanted his hostility 
to women's suffrage, admitting that by their splendid services 
in the war women have worked out their own electoral salvation. 
An old spelling-book used to tell us that "it is agreeable to 
watch the unparalleled embarrassment of a harassed pedlar when 
gauging the symmetry of a peeled pear." Lord Devonport, 
occupied in deciding on the exact architecture and decoration 

148 



The Posters we Need 



of the Bath bun (official sealed pattern), would make a com- 
panion picture. For the rest the House has been occupied 
with the mysteries of combing and re-combing. The best War 
saying of the month was that of Mr. Swift MacNeill, in refer- 
ence to proposed 
peace overtures, 
that it would be 
time enough t o 
talk about peace 
when the Ger- 
mans ceased to 
blow up hospital 
ships. 

Although the 
streets may have 
been sweetened 
by the absence of 
posters, days will 
come, it must 
b e remembered, 
when we shall 
badly miss them. 
It goes painfully 
to one's heart to 
think that the 
embargo, if it is 

ever lifted, will DYNASTIC AMENITIES 

not be lifted in , , T , , c D . N „ . „ D . 

Little Willie (of Prussia) : " As one Crown Prince to 
lime IOr mOSt OI another, isn't your Hindenburg line getting a bit shaky ? " 
the events which Rupprecht (of Bavaria) : " Well, as one Crown Prince 

We all most desire t0 an other, what about your Hohenzollern line ? " 

— events that 

clamour to be recorded in the largest black type, such as 
"Strasbourg French Again," "Flight of the Crown Prince," 
"Revolution in Germany," "The Kaiser a Captive," and last 
and best of all, "Peace." But Mr. Punch, with many others, 
has no sympathy to spare for the sorrows of the headline 
artist deprived for the time being of his chief opportunity of 
scaremongering. 

149 




Mr. P^tncHs History of the Great War 



In the competition; of heroism and self-sacrifice the prize must 
fall to the young — to the Tommy and the Second Lieutenant 
before all. Yet a very good mark is due to the retired Admirals 
who have accepted commissions in the R.N.R., and are mine- 
sweeping or submarine-hunting in command of trawlers. Yes, 
"Captain Dug-out, R.N.R.," is a fine disproof of si vieillesse 
powvait. 

r/ 




Torpedoed Mine-Sweeper (to his pal) : " As I was a«saying, Bob, when we was 
interrupted, it's my belief as 'ow the submarine blokes ain't on 'arf as risky a job 
as the boys in the airy-o-planes." 

According to the Pall Mall Gazette, Mr. Lloyd George's 
double was seen at Cardiff the other day. The suggestion that 
there are two Lloyd Georges has caused consternation among 
the German Headquarters Staff. But we' are not exempt from 
troubles and anxieties in England. The bones of a woolly 
rhinoceros have been dug up twenty-three feet below the surface 
at High Wycombe, and very strong language has been used in 
the locality concerning this gross example of food-hoarding. 
The weather, too, has been behaving oddly. On one day of 
Eastertide there was an inch of snow in Liverpool, followed by 
hailstones, lightning, thunder, and a gale of wind. Summer 
has certainly arrived very early. But at least we are to be spared 
a General Election this year — for fear that it might clash with 
the other War. 

150 



Shortening the Staff of Life 



May, igiy. 

IN England, once but no longer merry though not down- 
hearted, in this once merry month of May, the question of 
Food and Food Production now dominates all others. It is 
the one subject that the House of Commons seems to care about. 
John Bull, who has invested a mint of money in other lands, 
realises that it is high time that he put something into his own 
— in the shape of Corn Bounties. Mr. Prothero, in moving 
the second reading of the Corn Production Bill, while admitting 
that he had originally been opposed to State interference with 
agriculture, showed all the zeal of the convert — to the dismay 
of the hard-shell Free Traders. 

The Food Controller asks us to curtail our consumption of 
bread by one-fourth. Here, at least, non-combatants have an 
opportunity of showing themselves to be as good patriots as 




" No, dear, I'm afraid we shan't be at the dance to-night. 
got a touch of allotment feet." 

151 



Poor Herbert has 



Mr, Punch's History of the Great War 



the Germans and of earning the epitaph':' "Much as he loved 
the staff of life, he loved his country even more." 

On the Western Front the German soldiers' opinion of 
"retirement according to plan" may be expressed as "each for 
himself and the Devil take the Hindenburg." One of them, 
recently taken prisoner, actually wrote, "When we go to the 
Front we become the worst criminals." This generous attempt 
to shield his superiors deserves to be appreciated, but it does 
not dispel the belief that the worst criminals are still a good 
way behind the German lines. The inspired German Press has 
now got to the point of asserting that "there is no Hindenburg 
line." Well, that implies prophetic sense : 

And if a British prophet may 

Adopt their graphic present tense, 

I would remark — and SO' forestall 
A truth they'll never dare to trench on — 

There is no Hindenburg at all. 
Or none worth mention. 

According to our Watch Dog correspondent, recent move- 
ments show that the lawless German "has attained little by his 
destructiveness save the discomfort of H.Q. Otherwise the 
War progresses as merrily as ever; more merrily, perhaps, 
owing to the difficulties to be overcome. Soldiers love diffi- 
culties to overcome. That is their business in life." This is the 
way that young officers write "in the brief interludes snatched 
from hard fighting and hard fatigues." Their letters "never 
pretend to be more than the gay and cynical banter of those 
who bring to the perils of life at the Front an incurable habit 
of humour, and they are typical of that brave spirit, essentially 
English, that makes light of the worst that fate can send." 
That is how one brave officer wrote of the letters of a dead 
comrade to Punch only a few weeks before his own death. 

The French have taken Craonne; saluting has been abolished 
in the Russian Army; and Germany has been giving practical 
proof of her friendliness to Spain by torpedoing her merchant 
ships. A new star has swum into the Revolutionary firmament, 
by name Lenin. According to the Swedish Press this interest- 
ing anarchist has been missing for two days, and it remains to 

152 




A BAD DREAM 

Spectre: "Well, if you don't like the look of me, eat less 



bread." 



153 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



be seen if he will yet make a hit. Meanwhile the Kaiser is 
doing his bit in the unfamiliar r61e of pro-Socialist. 

Newmarket has become "a blasted heath," all horse-racing 
having been stopped, to the great dismay of the Irish members. 
What are the hundred thousand young men (or is it two?), 




HIS LATEST! 

The Kaiser : " This is sorry work for a Hohenzollern ; 
still, necessity knows no traditions." 

who refuse to fight for their country, to do ? Mr. Lloyd George 
has produced and expounded his plan for an Irish Convention, 
at which Erin is to take a turn at her own harp, and the pro- 
posal has been favourably received, except by Mr. Ginnell, in 
whose ears the Convention "sounds the dirge of the Home Rule 
Act." 

154 



A Garden Glorified 



Mr. Bonar Law has brought in a Budget, moved a vote of 
credit for 500 millions, and apologised for estimating the war 
expenditure at 55^ millions a day when it turned out to be 
7^. The trivial lapse has been handsomely condoned by his 
predecessor, Mr. McKenna. The Budget debate was held with 
open doors, but produced a number of speeches much more 
suitable for the Secret Session which followed, and at which 
it appears from the Speaker's Report that nothing sensational 
was revealed. 

The House of Commons, unchanged externally, has de- 
teriorated spiritually, to judge by the temper of most of those 
who have remained behind. It is otherwise with other In- 
stitutions, some of which have been ennobled by disfigurement. 

A PLACE OF ARMS 

I knew a garden green and fair, 

Flanking our London river's tide, 
And you would think, to breathe its air 

And roam its virgin lawns beside, 
AH shimmering in their velvet fleece, 
"Nothing can hurt this haunt of Peace." 

No trespass marred that close retreat; 

Privileged were the few that went 
Pacing its walks with measured beat 

On legal contemplation bent ; 
And Inner Templars used to say : 
" How well our garden looks to-day! " 

But That which changes all has changed 
This guarded pleasaunce, green and fair, 

And soldier-ranks therein have ranged 
And trod its beauties hard and bare, 

Have tramped and tramped its fretted floor, 

Learning the discipline of War. 

And many a moon of Peace shall climb 

Above that mimic field of Mars, 
Before the healing touch of Time 

With springing green shall hide its scars; 

155 



Mr, Punch 9 s History of the Great War 



But Inner Templars smile and say : 
"Our barrack-square looks well to-day! " 

Good was that garden in their eyes, 

Lovely its spell of long - ago; 
Now waste and mired its glory lies, 

And yet they hold it dearer so, 
Who see beneath the wounds it bears 
A grace no other garden wears. 

For still the memory, never sere, 

But fresh as after fallen rain, 
Of those who learned their lesson here 

And may not ever come again, 
Gives to this garden, bruised and browned, 
A greenness as of hallowed ground. 

News comes from Athens that King Constantine is realising 
his position and contemplates abdication in favour of the Crown 
Prince George. It is not yet known in whose favour the 
Crown Prince George will abdicate. In this context the 
Kolnische Zeitung is worth quoting. "The German people," 
it says, "will not soon forget what they owe to their future 
Emperor." This spasm of candour is not confined to the 
Rhineland. The keenest minds in Germany, says a Berlin 
correspondent, are now seeking to discover the secret of the 
Fatherland's world-wide unpopularity. It is this absurd sen- 
sitiveness on the part of our cultured opponent that is causing 
some of her best friends in this country to lose hope. 

Genius has been defined as an infinite capacity for taking 
pains; and if the definition is sound, genius cannot be denied 
to the painstaking officials who test the physical fitness of 
recruits — "as in the picture." 

The month has witnessed the amendment of the President's 
much discussed phrase : "Too proud to fight " has now become 
"Proud to fight too." Another revised version is suggested 
by Margarine : C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas le beurre. 
The Germ'an Food Controller laments the mysterious dis- 
appearance of five million four hundred thousand pigs this year. 
The idea of having the Crown Prince's baggage searched does 
not seem to have been found feasible. 

156 




OUR PERSEVERING OFFICIALS 

Or, the Recruit that was passed at the thirteenth examination 



157 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



June, igiy. 

WITHIN some eleven weeks of the Declaration of War 
by the U.S.A., the first American troops have been 
landed in France. Even the Kaiser has begun to 
abate his thrasonic tone, declaring - that "it is not the Prussian 
way to praise oneself," and that "it is now a matter of holding 
out, however long it lasts." 

But other events besides the arrival of the Americans have 
helped to bring about this altered tone. The capture of Mes- 
sines Ridge, after the biggest bang in history, has given 
him something to think about. His brother-in-law, Constantine 
of Greece, has at last thrown up the sponge and abdicated. 
"Tino's" place of exile is not yet fixed. The odds seem to be 
on Switzerland, but Mr. Punch recommends Denmark. There 
is no place like home : 

Try some ancestral palace, well appointed; 

For choice the one where Hamlet nursed his spite, 
Who found the times had grown a bit disjointed 

And he was not the man to put 'em right; 
And there consult on that enchanted shore 
The ghosts of Elsinore. 

Brazil has also entered the War, and Germany is now able 
to shoot in almost any direction without any appreciable risk 
of hitting a friend. 

Field-Marshal Sir Douglas Haig gave the nation a birth- 
day present on his own birthday, in the shape of a dispatch 
which is as strong and straight as himself : 

Frugal in speech, yet more than once impelled 
To utter words of confidence and cheer 

Whereat some dismal publicists rebelled 
As premature, ill-founded, insincere — 

Words none the less triumphantly upheld 
By Victory's verdict, resonantly clear, 

Words that inspired misgiving in the foe 

Because you do not prophesy — you know. 
158 




A WORD OF ILL QMEN 

Crown Prince (to Kaiser, drafting his next speech) : " For 
Gott's sake, father, be careful this time, and don't call the 
American Army 'contemptible.' " 



159 



Mr. Punclis History of the Great War 



Steadfast and calm, unmoved by blame or praise, 
By local checks or Fortune's strange caprices, 

You dedicate laborious nights and days 
To shattering- the Hun machine to pieces; 

And howsoe'er at times the battle sways 

The Army's trust in your command increases; 

Patient in preparation, swift in deed, 

We find in you the leader that we need. 

A new feature of the German armies are the special "storm- 
troops " ; men picked for their youth, vigour, and daring, and 
fortified by a specially liberal diet for the carrying out of 
counter-attacks. Even our ordinary British soldiers, who are 
constantly compelled to take these brave fellows prisoners, 
bear witness to the ferocity of their appearance. 

On our Home Front the Germans have shown considerable 
activity of late. Daylight air-raids are no longer the monopoly 
of the South-east coast; they have extended to London. And 
a weekly paper, conspicuous for the insistence with which it 
proclaims its superiority to all others, has been asking : If 
17 German aeroplanes can visit and bomb London in broad 
daylight, what is to prevent our enemy from sending 170 or 
even 1,700? Fortunately the average man and woman pays no 
heed to this scare-mongering, and goes about his or her 
business, if not rejoicing, at any rate in the conviction that the 
Gothas are not going to have it all their own way. 

Considering that the " Fort of London " had been drenched 
with the "ghastly dew" of aerial navies barely three hours 
before Parliament met on June 13, Members showed themselves 
uncommon calm. They were at their best a few days earlier 
in paying homage to Major Willie Redmond. It had been 
his ambition to be Father of the House : he had been elected 
thirty-four years ago; but in reality he was the Eternal Boy 
from the far-off time when it was his nightly delight to "cheek " 
Mr. Speaker Brand with delightful exuberance until the moment 
of his glorious death in Flanders, whither he had gone at 
an age when most of his compeers were content to play the 
critic in a snug corner of the smoking-room. Personal affection 
combined with admiration for his gallantry to inspire the 
speeches in which Mr. Lloyd George, Mr. Asquith, and Sir 

160 



Mr. Balfour Returns 



Edward Carson enshrined the most remarkable tribute ever paid 
to a private Member. 

Mr. Balfour has returned safe and sound from his 
Mission to the States, and received a warm welcome on all 
sides. Even the ranks of Tuscany, on the Irish benches, could 
not forbear to cheer their old opponent. Besides securing 

American gold for 

his country, he has 

transferred some s § 

American bronze '< ; — ~~*' H 

to his complexion. K -,.r \\ :j 

If anything, he ! j \\ H < {' 

appears to have 
sharpened his 
natural faculty for 
skilful evasion and 
polite repartee by 
his encounter with 
Transatlantic jour- 
nalists. In fact 
everybody is 
pleased to see him 
back except per- 
haps certain curi- 
ous members, who 
find him even 
more chary of in- 
formation than his 
deputy, Lord 
Robert Cecil. The 
mystery of Lord 
Northcliffe's visit 
to the States has been cleared up. Certain journals, 
believed to enjoy his confidence, had described him as 
"Mr. Balfour's successor." Certain other journals, whose 
confidence he does not enjoy, had declined to believe this. The 
fact as stated by Mr. Bonar Law is that "it is hoped that Lord 
Northcliflfe will be able to carry on the work begun by Mr. 
Balfour as head of the British Mission in America. He is 
L 161 




Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones (who is gazing at an 
aeroplane): "My word! 1 shouldn't care for one of 
them flying things to settle on me." 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



expected to co-ordinate and supervise the work of all the 
Departmental Missions." It has been interesting to learn that 
his lordship "will have the right of communicating direct with 
the Prime Minister " — a thing which, of course, he has never 
done before. Meanwhile, the fact remains that his departure has 
been hailed with many a dry eye, and that the public seem to 
be enduring their temporary bereavement with fortitude. 

Far too much fuss has been made about trying to stop 
Messrs. Ramsay MacDonald and Jowett from leaving 
England. So far as we can gather they did not threaten to 
return to this country afterwards. There is no end to the woes 
of Pacificists, conscientious or otherwise. The Press campaign 
against young men of military age engaged in Government 
offices is causing some of them sleepless days. Even on the 
stage the "conchy " is not safe. 




Stage Manager ■, " The elephant's putting in a very spirited performance 
to-night." 

Carpenter : " Yessir. You see, the new hind-legs is a discharged soldieri 
and the front legs is an out-and-out pacificist." 

The King has done a popular act in abolishing the German 
titles held by members of his family, and Mr. Kennedy Jones 
has won widespread approval by declaring that beer is a food. 

162 



Lord Derby on Air Reprisals 



Lord Devonport's retirement from the post of Food Con- 
troller has been received with equanimity. There is a 
touch of imagination, almost of romance, in the appointment 
of his successor, the redoubtable Lord Rhondda, who as 
"D.A." was alternately the bogy and idol of the Welsh miners, 
and who, after being the head of the greatest profit-making 
enterprise in the Welsh coalfields, is now summoned to carry 
on war against the profiteers in the provision trade. 

In Germany a number of lunatics have been called up for 
military service, and the annual report of one institution at 
Stettin states that "the asylums are proud that their inmates 
are allowed to serve their Fatherland." It appears, however, 
that the results are not always satisfactory, though no com- 
plaints have been heard on our side. 



July, igif 

THE War, so Lord Northcliffe has informed the Wash- 
ington Red Cross Committee, has only just begun. 
Whether this utterance be regarded as a statement of fact 
or an explosion of rhetoric, it has at least one merit. The 
United States cannot but regard it as a happy coincidence 
that their entry into the War synchronises with the initial 
operations. The dog-days are always busy times for the Dogs 
of War, and the last month of the third year opened with the 
new Russian Offensive under Brusiloff, and closed with the 
beginning of the Third Battle of Ypres. The War in the air and 
under the sea rages with unabated intensity, and in both Houses 
the policy of unmitigated reprisals on German cities has found 
strenuous advocates. But Lord Derby, our new Minister of War, 
will have none of it. British aeroplanes shall only be employed 
in bombing where some distinctly military object is to be 
achieved. But this decision does not involve any slackness in 
defensive measures. We have learned how to deal with the 
Zepp, and now we are going to attend to the Gotha. As for 
the U-boats, the Admiralty says little but does much. And 
we are adding to vigilance, valour, and the resources of applied 
science the further aid of agriculture. 

163 



Mr. Punch 's History of the Great War 



In the old days the Kaiser was once described as "inde- 
fatigably changing Chancellors and uniforms." Dr. Bethmann- 
Hollweg has now gone the way of his greater predecessors — 
Bismarck and Caprivi, Prince Hohenlohe and Prince Bulow. 




THE TUBER'S REPARTEE 

German Pirate- "Gott strafe England!" 
British Potato: "Tuber Uber Alles ! " 

The Princes and the Peers depart, and the Doctors are follow- 
ing suit. Bethmann-Hollweg, immortalised by one fatal 
phrase, has been at last hunted from office by the extremists 
whom he sought to restrain, and Dr. Michaelis, a second-rate 

164 



Bethrnann-Hollweg Goes 



administrator, of negligible antecedents, succeeds to his uneasy 
chair, while the Kaiser maintains his pose as the friend of 
the people. He has congratulated his Bayreuth Dragoons on 




THE SCRAPPER SCRAPPED 

their prowess, which has given joy "to old Fritz up in 
Elysian fields " : 

Perhaps; but what if he is down below? 
In any case, what we should like to 1 know 
Is how his modern namesake, Private Fritz, 
Enjoys the fun of being blown to bits 
Because his Emperor has lost his wits. 

Dehrant reges: but there are bright exceptions. On July 17 
our King in Council decreed that the Roval House should be 

165 



Mr. Punch s History of the Great War 



known henceforth as the House of Windsor. Parliament has 
been flooded with the backwash of the Mesopotamia Commis- 
sion, and at last on third thoughts the Government has decided 
not to set up a new tribunal to try the persons affected by the 
Report. Mr. Austen Chamberlain has resigned office amid 
general regret. The Government have refused, "on the repre- 
sentations of the Foreign Secretary," to accept the twice 
proffered resignation of Lord Hardinge. The plain person is 
driven to the conclusion that if there are no unsinkable ships 
there are some unsinkable officials. For the rest the question 



.< }■ 




Busy City Man to his Partner (as one of the new air-raid warning gets 
to work) : " If you'll leave me in here for the warnings I'll carry on while 
you take shelter during the raids." 

mainly agitating Members has been "to warn or not to warn." 
The Lord Mayor has announced that he will not ring the great 
bell of St. Paul's ; but the Home Secretary states that the public 
will be warned in future when an air raid is actually imminent. 
During these visitations there is nothing handier than a 
comfortable and capacious Cave, but the Home Secretary has 
his limitations. When Mr. King asked him to be more careful 
about interning alien friends without trial, since he (Mr. King) 
had just heard of the great reception accorded in Petrograd 

1 66 



The Coming of Rhondda 



to one Trotsky on his release from internment, Sir George 
Cave replied that he was sorry he had never heard of Trotsky. 

Lord Rhondda reigns in Lord Devonport's place, and will 
doubtless profit by his predecessor's experience. It is a thank- 
less job, but the great body of the nation is determined that he 
shall have fair play and will support him through thick and thin 
in any policy, however drastic, that he may recommend to their 
reason and their patriotism. This business of food-controlling 
is new to us as well as to him, but we are willing to be led, and 
we are even willing to be driven, and we are grateful to him for 
having engaged his reputation and skill and firmness in the 
task of leading or driving us. 

The War has its grandes heures, its colossal glories and 
disasters, but the tragedy of the "little things " affects the mind 
of the simple soldier with a peculiar force — the "little gardens 
rooted up, the same as might be ours "; "the little 'ouses all in 
'eaps, the same as might be mine " ; and worst of all, "the little 




Grandpapa (to small Teuton struggling with home-lessons) : " Come, Fritz, 
is your task so difficult ? " 

Fritz : " It is indeed. 1 have to learn all the names of all the countries 
that misunderstand the All-Highest." 

167 



Mr, Punclis History of the Great War 



kids, as might 'ave been our own." Apropos of resentment, 
England has lost first place in Germany, for America is said 
to be the most hated country now. The "morning hate " of 
the German family with ragtime obbligato must be a terrible 
thing ! General von Blume, it is true, says that America's 
intervention is no more than "a straw." But which straw? 
The last? 

It is reported that ex-King Constantine is to receive 
,£20,000 a year unemployment benefit, and Mr. Punch, in 
prophetic vein, pictures him as offering advice to his illustrious 
brother-in-law : 

Were it not wise, dear William, ere the day 
When Revolution goes for crowns and things, 

To cut your loss betimes and come this way 
And start a coterie of exiled Kings? 

In the words of a valued correspondent (a temporary 
captain suddenly summoned from the trenches to the Staff), 
"there is this to be said about being at war — you never know 
what is going to happen to you next." 



August, igij. 

WITH the opening of the fourth year of the War 
Freedom renews her vow, fortified by the aid of the 
"Gigantic Daughter of the West," and undaunted by 
the collapse of our Eastern Ally, brought about by anarchy, 
German gold and the fraternisation of Russian and German 
soldiers. The Kaiser, making the most of this timely boon, 
has once more been following in Bellona's train (her train de 
luxe) in search of cheap reclame on the Galician front, to witness 
the triumphs of his new Ally, Revolutionary Russia :' 

But though she fail us in the final test, 

Not there, not there, my child, the end shall be, 
But where, without your option, France and we 

Have made our own arrangements in the West. 
1 68 




RUSSIA'S DARK HOUR 



169 



Mr. Punch 's History of the Great War 



It is another story on the Western Front, where the British 
are closing in on the wrecked remains of Lens, and the Crown 
Prince's chance of breaking hearts along "The Ladies' Way " 
grow more and more remote. 




THE OPTIMIST 

" If this is the right village, then we're all right. The instructions is clear- 
Go past the post-office and sharp to the left afore you come to the church.' 



A recent resolution of the Reichstag has been welcomed 
by Mr. Ramsay MacDonald as the solemn pronouncement of 
a sovereign people, only requiring the endorsement of the 
British Government to produce an immediate and equitable 
peace. But not much was left of this pleasant theory after 
Mr. Asquith had dealt it a few sledge-hammer blows. "So 
far as we know," he said, "the influence of the Reichstag, not 
only upon the composition but upon the policy of the German 
Government, remains what it always has been — a practically 
negligible quantity." 

The Reminiscences of Mr. Gerard, the late German Ambas- 
sador in Berlin, are causing much perturbation in German 
Court circles. In one of his conversations with Mr. Gerard, 
the Kaiser told him "there is no longer any International Law." 

170 



Heroes and Heroines 



Little scraps of paper, 

Little drops of ink, 
Make the Kaiser caper 

And the Nations think. 

The real voice of Labour is not that of the delegates who 
want to go to the International Socialist Conference at Stock- 
holm to talk to Fritz, but of the Tommy who, after a short 
"leaf," goes cheerfully back to France to fight him. And the 
fomenters of class hatred will not find much support from 
the "men in blue." Mr. Punch has had occasion to rebuke the 
levity of smart fashionables who visit the wounded and weary 
them by idiotic questions. He is glad to show the other side 
of the picture in the tribute paid to the V.A.D. of the proper 
sort : 

There's an angel in our ward as keeps a-flittin' to and fro 
With fifty eyes upon 'er wherever she may go; 
She's as pretty as a picture, and as bright as mercury, 
And she wears the cap and apron of a V.A.D. 

The Matron she is gracious, and the Sister she is kind, 

But they wasn't born just yesterday, and lets you know their mind ; 

The M.O. and the Padre is as thoughtful as can be, 

But they ain't so good to look at as our V.A.D. 

Not like them that wash a teacup in an orficer's canteen, 
And then " Engaged in War Work " in the weekly Press is seen ; 
She's on the trot from morn to night and busy as a bee, 
And there's 'eaps of wounded Tommies bless that V.A.D. 

Our Grand Fleet keeps its strenuous, unceasing vigil in the 
North Sea. But we must not forget the merchant mariners now 
serving under the Windsor House Flag in the North Atlantic 
trade : 

"We sweep a bit and we fight a bit — an' that's what we like the 

best — 
But a towin' job or a salvage job, they all go in with the rest; 
When we arn't too busy upsettin' old Fritz an' 'is frightfulness 

blockade 
A bit of all sorts don't come amiss in the North Atlantic trade." 

171 



Mr. PtmcHs History of the Great War 



" And who's your skipper, and what is he like? " " Oh, well, if you 

want to know, 
I'm sailing under a hard-case mate as I sailed with years ago; 
'E's big as a bucko an' full o' beans, the same as 'e used to be 
When I knowed 'im last in the windbag" days when first I followed 

the sea. 
'E was worth two men at the lee fore brace, an' three at the bunt 

of a sail; 
'E'd a voice you could 'ear to the royal yards in the teeth of a 

Cape 'Orn gale ; 
But now 'e's a full-blown lootenant, an' wears the twisted braid, 
Commandin' one of 'is Majesty's ships in the North Atlantic trade." 

"And what is the ship you're sailin' in?" "Oh, she's a bit of a 

terror. 
She ain't no bloomin' levvyathan, an' that's no fatal error ! 




Doctor : " Your throat is in a very bad state. Have you ever tried 
gargling with salt water?" 

Skipper : " Yus, I've been torpedoed six times." 

172 



Churchill Restored 



She scoops the seas like a gravy spoon when the gales are up an' 

blowin', 
But Fritz 'e loves 'er above a bit when 'er fightin' fangs are showin'. 
The liners go their stately way an' the cruisers take their ease, 
But where would they be if it wasn't for us with the water up to 

our knees? 
We're wadin' when their soles are wet, we're swimmin' when they 

wade, 
For I tell you small craft gets it a treat in the North Atlantic trade ! " 

"An' what is the port you're plying to?" "When the last long 

trick is done 
There'll some come back to the old 'ome port — 'ere's 'opin' I'll be 

one; 
But some 'ave made a new landfall, an' sighted another shore, 
An' it ain't no use to watch for them, for they won't come 'ome no 

more. 
There ain't no harbour dues to pay when once they're over the bar, 
Moored bow and stern in a quiet berth where the lost three-deckers 

are. 
An' there's Nelson 'oldin' is' one 'and out an' welcomin' them 

that's made 
The roads o' Glory an' the Port of Death in the North Atlantic 

trade." 

Parliament has devoted many hours of talk to the discussion 
of Mr. Henderson's visit to Paris in company with Mr. Ramsay 
MacDonald to attend a Conference of French and Russian 
Socialists. As member of the War Cabinet and Secretary of 
the Labour Party he seems to have resembled one of those twin 
salad bottles from which oil and vinegar can be dispensed 
alternately but not together. The attempt to combine the two 
functions could only end as it began — in a double fiasco. Mr. 
Henderson has resigned, and Mr. Winston Churchill has been 
appointed Minister of Munitions. Many reasons have been 
assigned for his reinclusion in the Ministry. Some say that it 
was done to muzzle Mr. MacCallum Scott, hitherto one of the 
most pertinacious of questionists, who, as Mr. Churchill's 
private secretary, is now debarred by Parliamentary etiquette 
from the exercise of these inquisitorial functions. Others say 
it was done to muzzle Mr. Churchill. Contrary to expectation, 

i?3 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



Mr. Churchill has succeeded in piloting the Munitions of War 
Bill through its remaining stages in double quick time. Its 
progress was accelerated by his willingness to abolish the 
leaving certificate, which a workman hitherto had to procure 
before changing one job for another. Having had unequalled 
experience in this respect, he is convinced that the leaving 
certificate is a useless formality. 

Food stocks going up, thanks to the energy of the farmers 
and the economy of consumers; German submarines going 
down, thanks to the Navy; Russia recovering herself; Britain 
and France advancing hand in hand on the Western Front, 
and our enemies fumbling for peace — that was the gist of the 
message with which the Prime Minister sped the parting 
Commons. "I have resigned," Mr. Kennedy Jones tells us, 
"because there is no further need for my services." Several 
politicians are of opinion that this was not a valid reason. A 
boy of eighteen recently told a Stratford magistrate that he 
had given up his job because he only got twenty-five shillings 
a week. The question of wages is becoming acute in Germany 
too, and it is announced that all salaries in the Diplomatic 
Service have been reduced. We always said that frightfulness 
didn't really pay. 



September, igiy. 

THANKS to the collapse of the Russian armies and 
"fraternisation," Germany has occupied Riga. But her 
chief exploits of late must be looked for outside the sphere 
of military operations. She has added a new phrase to the 
vocabulary of frightfulness — spurlos versenkt — in the instruc- 
tions to her submarine commanders for dealing with neutral 
merchantmen. As for the position into which Sweden has been 
lured by allowing her diplomatic agents to assist Germany's 
secret service, Mr. Punch would hardly go the length of saying 
that it justifies the revision of the National Anthem so as to 
read, "Confound their Scandi-knavish tricks." But he finds it 
hard to accept Sweden's professions of official rectitude, and 
so does President Wilson. 

174 



Sweden's Innocence 



The German Press accuses the United States of having 
stolen the cipher key of the Luxburg dispatches. It is this 
sort of thing that is gradually convincing Germany that it is 
beneath her dignity to fight with a nation like America. And 
the growing conviction in the United States that there can 




PERFECT INNOCENCE 

Constable Woodrow Wilson : " That's a very mischievous thing to do." 
Sweden: "Please, sir, I didn't know it was loaded." 



be no peace with the Hohenzollerns only tends to fortify this 
view in Court circles. The Kaiser's protestations of his love 
for his people become more strident every day. 

In Russia the Provisional Government has been dissolved 
and a Republic proclaimed. If eloquence can save the situa- 
tion, Mr. Kerensky is the man to do it ; but so far the men of 

175 



Mr. Pimclis History of the Great War 



few words have gone farthest in the war. A "History of the 
Russian Revolution " has already been published. The pen 
may not be mightier than the sword to-day, but it manages 
to keep ahead of it. 

With fresh enemy battalions, as well as batteries, constantly 
arriving from Russia, the Italians have been hard pressed, 
but their great assault on San Gabriele has saved the Bainsizza 
plateau. The Italian success has been remarkable, but the 




TRIALS OF A CAMOUFLAGE OFFICER 

Sergeant-major : " Beg pardon, sir, I was to ask if you'd step up to the 
battery, sir." 

Camouflage Officer : " What's the matter ? " 

Sergeant-Major : " It's those painted grass screens, sir. The mules have 
eaten them." 

Russian collapse has prevented it from being pushed home. 
On the Western front no great events are recorded, but the 
mills of death grind on with ever-increasing assistance from 
the resources of applied science and the new art of camouflage. 
Yet the dominion of din and death and discomfort is still unable 
to impair our soldiers' capacity of extracting amusement from 
trivialities. 

The weather has been so persistently wet that it looks as 

176 




THE INSEPARABLE 

The Kaiser (to his people) : " Do not listen to those who 
would sow dissension between us. / Will never desert pou." 



M 



177 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 

if this year the Channel had decided to swim Great Britain. 
A correspondent, in a list of improbable events on an "extra- 
ordinary day " at the front, gives as the culminating entry, 
"It did not rain on the day of the offensive." 



'£ 



f///. 




^/^▼/?j»" t ^f 



CO. (to sentry) : " Do you know the Defence 
Scheme for this sector of the line, my man ? " 
Tommy : '* Yes, sir." 
CO. : " Well, what is it, then ? " 
Tommy: "To stay 'ere an' fight like 'ell." 



When Parliament is not sitting and trying to make us "sit 
up," and when war news is scant, old people at home some- 
times fall into a mood of wistful reverie, and contrast the 
Germany they once knew with the Germany of to-day. 

178 



The Lost Germany 



A LOST LAND 

A childhood land of mountain ways, 
Where earthy gnomes and forest fays, 
Kind, foolish giants, gentle bears, 
Sport with the peasant as he fares 
Affrighted through the forest glades, 
And lead sweet, wistful little maids 
Lost in the woods, forlorn, alone, 
To princely lovers and a throne. 

Dear haunted land of gorge and glen, 
Ah me ! the dreams, the dreams of men ! 

A learned law of wise old books 
And men with meditative looks, 
Who move in quaint red-gabled towns, 
And sit in gravely-folded gowns, 
Divining in deep-laden speech 
The world's supreme arcana — each 
A homely god to listening youth, 
Eager to tear the veil of Truth ; 



Mild votaries of book and pen — 

Alas, the dreams, the dreams of men ! 

A music land whose life is wrought 
In movements of melodious thought; 
In symphony, great wave on wave — 
Or fugue elusive, swift and grave; 
A singing land, whose lyric rhymes 
Float on the air like village chimes; 
Music and verse — the deepest part 
Of a whole nation's thinking heart! 

Oh land of Now, oh land of Then ! 

Dear God ! the dreams, the dreams of men ! 

Slave nation in a land of hate, 
Where are the things that made you great? 
Child-hearted once — oh, deep defiled, 
Dare you look now upon a child? 
179 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



Your lore — a hideous mask wherein 
Self-worship hides its monstrous sin — 
Music and verse, divinely wed — 
How can these live where love is dead? 



Oh depths beneath sweet human ken, 
God help the dreams, the dreams of men ! 

The Norwegian explorer, Roald Amundsen, is preparing 
for a trip to the North Pole in 191 8. Additional interest now 
attaches to this spot as being the only territory whose neutrality 
the Germans have omitted to violate. Apropos of neutrals, 
the crew of the U-boat interned at Cadiz has been allowed to 
land on giving their word of honour not to leave Spain during 
the continuance of the War. The mystery of how the word 
"honour " came into their possession is not explained. It is 
easier to explain that the Second Division, in which Mr. E. D. 
Morel is now serving, is not the one which fought at the battle 
of Mons. 



October, 191J. 

A NOTHER month of losses and gains. Against the break- 
l\ through at Caporetto on the Isonzo we have to set the 
**■ -*- steady advance of Allenby on the Palestine front, and 
the decision arrived at by an extraordinary meeting of German 
Reichstag members that the Germans cannot hope for victory 
in the field. We see nothing extraordinary in this. The 
Reichstag may not yet be able to influence policy, but it is 
not blind to facts — to the terribly heavy losses involved in our 
enemy's desperate efforts to prevent us from occupying the 
ridges above the Ypres-Menin road, and so forcing him to 
face the winter on the low ground. Then, too, there has been 
the ominous mutiny of the German sailors at Kiel. The ring- 
leaders have been executed, but they may have preferred death 
to another speech from the Kaiser. Dr. Michaelis, that 
"transient embarrassed phantom," has joined the ranks of the 
dismissed. No sooner had the Berliner Tageblatt pointed out 

180 




The Kaiser: "Stop! I'm tired." 

Death: "I started at your bidding; I stop when I choose." 



181 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



that " Dr. Michaelis was a good Chancellor as Chancellors go " 
than he went. Another of the German doctor politicians has 
been delivering his soul on the failure of Pro-German pro- 
paganda in memorable fashion. Dr. Dernburg, in Deutsche 
Politik, tells us that "steadfastness and righteousness are the 
qualities which the German people value in the highest degree, 
and which have brought it a good and honourable reputation 
in the whole world. When we make experiments in lies and 
deceptions, intrigue and low cunning, we suffer hopeless and 
brutal failure. Our lies are coarse and improbable, our am- 
biguity is pitiful simplicity. The history of the War proves 
this by a hundred examples. When our enemies poured all 
these things upon us like a hailstorm, and we convinced our- 
selves of the effectiveness of such tactics, we tried to imitate 
them. But these tactics will not fit the German. We are 
rough but moral, we are credulous but honest." Before this 
touching picture of the German Innocents very much 
abroad, the Machiavellian Briton can only take refuge in 
silent amazement. 

Parliament has reassembled, and Mr. Punch has been moved 
to ask Why ? Various reasons would no doubt be returned by 
various members. The Chancellor of the Exchequer wants to 
obtain a further Vote of Credit. The new National Party wish 
to justify their existence; and those incarnate notes of inter- 
rogation — Messrs. King, Hogge and Pemberton Billing — 
would like Parliament to be in permanent session in order that 
the world might have the daily benefit of their searching in- 
vestigations. There has been a certain liveliness on the 
Hibernian front, but we hope that Mr. Asquith was justified 
in assuming that the Sinn Fein excesses were only an expres- 
sion of the "rhetorical and contingent belligerency " always 
present in Ireland, and that in spite of them the Convention 
would make all things right. Meanwhile, the Sinn Feiners 
have refused to take part in it. And not a single Nationalist 
member has denounced them for their dereliction ; indeed, Mr. 
T. M. Healy has even given them his blessing, for what it is 
worth. Of more immediate importance has been Mr. Bonar 
Law's announcement of the Government's intention to set up 
a new Air Ministry, and "to employ our machines over German 

182 



The Inconstant Moon 



towns so far as military needs render us free to take such 
action." 

In the earlier stages of the War we looked on the moon 
as our friend. Now that inconstant orb has become our enemy, 
and the only German opera that we look forward to seeing is 
Die Gothadam- 
merung. A circu- 
lar has been issued 
by the Feline De- 
fence League ap- 
pealing to owners 
of cats to bring 
them inside the 
house during air- 
raids. When they 
are left on the roof 
it would seem that 
their agility 
causes them to be 
mistaken for 
aerial torpedoes. 
We note that the 
practice of giving 
air-raid warnings 
by notice pub- 
lished in the fol- 
lowing morning's 
papers has been 
abandoned only 
after the most ex- 
haustive tests. 
The advocates of 
"darkness and 
composure " have 
not been very happy in their arguments, but they are at least 
preferable to the members of Parliament deservedly trounced by 
Mr. Bonar Law, who declared that if their craven squealings 
were typical he should despair of victory. Meanwhile, we have 
to congratulate our gallant French allies on their splendid bag 

183 




A PLAGE IN THE MOON 

Hans : " How beautiful a moon, my love, for showing 
up England to our gallant airmen ! " 

Gretchen : " Yes, dearest, but may it not show up the 
Fatherland to the brutal enemy one of these nights ? " 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



of Zepps. But the space which our Press allots to air raids 
moves Mr. Punch to wonder and scorn. Our casualties from 
that source are never one-tenth so heavy as those in France on 
days when G.H.Q. reports "everything quiet on the Western 
front." Still worse is the temper of some of our society week- 
lies, which have set their faces like flint against any serious 
reference to the War, and go imperturbably along the old ante- 
bellum lines, "snapping" smart people at the races or in the 
Row, or reproducing the devastating beauty of a revue chorus, 
and this at a time when every day brings the tidings of 
irreparable loss to hundreds of families. 



MISSING 

" He was last seen going over the parapet into the German 

trenches." 

What did you find after war's fierce alarms, 
When the kind earth gave you a resting-place, 

And comforting night gathered you in her arms, 
With light dew falling on your upturned face? 

Did your heart beat, remembering what had been? 

Did you still hear around you, as you lay, 
The wings of airmen sweeping by unseen, 

The thunder of the guns at close of day? 

All nature stoops to guard your lonely bed ; 

Sunshine and rain fall with their calming breath ; 
You need no pall, so young and newly dead, 

Where the Lost Legion triumphs over death. 

When with the morrow's dawn the bugle blew, 
For the first time it summoned you in vain, 

The Last Post does not sound for such as you, 
But God's Reveille wakens you again. 

The discomforts of railway travelling do not diminish. 
But impatient passengers may find comfort in a maxim of 

184 



Conspicuous Absentees 



R. L. StevensonT "To travel hopefully is a better thing than 
to arrive." And further solace is forthcoming in the fact that 
our enemies are even worse off than we are. Railway fares in 
Germany have been doubled; but it is doubtful if this trans- 
parent artifice will prevent the Kaiser from going about the 
place making 
speeches to his 
troops on all the 
fronts. Here all 
classes are united 
by the solidarity 
of inconvenience. 
And they all have 
different ways of 
meeting it. But 
we really think 
more care should 
be taken by the 
authorities to see 
that while waging 
war on the Con- 
tinent they do not 
forget the defence 
of those at home. 
The fact that Mr. 
Winston Church- 
il 1 and Mr. 
Horatio Bottom- 
ley were away in 
France at the 
same time looks 
like gross care- 
lessness. In this 

context we may note the report that the Eskimos had not 
until quite recently heard of war, which seems to argue slack- 
ness on the part of the circulation manager of the Daily Mail. 




Stodt Lady (discussing the best thing to do in 
an air-raid): " Well, I always runs about meself. You 
see, as my 'usband sez, an' very reasonable too, a 
movin' targit is more difficult to 'it." 



I8 5 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



November, 1917. 

THE best and the worst news comes from the outlying 
fronts. Allenby's triumphant advance is unchecked in 
Palestine. Gaza has fallen. The British are in Jaffa. 
Jerusalem is threatened. The German- Austrian drive which 
began at Caporetto has been stemmed, and the Italians, stiffened 
by a British army under General Plumer, are standing firm 
on the Piave. In Mesopotamia we deplore the death of the 
gallant Maude, a great general and a great gentleman, beloved 
by all ranks, whose career is an abiding answer to those who 
maintain that no good can come out of our public schools or 
the Staff training of regular officers. In Russia the Bolshevist 
coup d'etat has overthrown the Kerensky regime and installed 
as dictator Lenin, a declasse aristocrat, always the most 
dangerous of revolutionaries. On the Western front the tide 
has flowed and ebbed. The Germans have yielded ground on 
the Chemin des Dames, the British have stormed Passchendaele 
Ridge, but at terrible cost, and General Byng's brilliant sur- 
prise attack and victory at Cambrai has been followed by the 
fierce reaction of ten days later. But perhaps the greatest sensa- 
tion of the month has been Mr. Lloyd George's Paris speech, 
with its disquieting references to the situation on the Western 
front, and its announcement of the formation of the new Allied 
Council. The Premier's defence of, and, we may perhaps say, 
recomposition of his Paris oration before the House of 
Commons has appeased criticism without entirely convincing 
those who have been anxious to know how the Allied Council 
would work, and what would be the relations between the 
Council's military advisers and the existing General Staff of 
the countries concerned. But as Mr. Lloyd George confessed 
that he had deliberately made a "disagreeable speech " in Paris 
in order to get it talked about, the Press critics whom he rebuked 
will probably consider themselves absolved. 

Parliament has for once repelled the gibe that it has ceased 
to represent the people in the tribute of praise paid by Lords 
and Commons to our sailors and soldiers and all the other 
gallant folk who are helping us to win the War. On the strength 
of this capacity for rising to the occasion one may pass over 

186 






r/jj') ^ 




A GREAT INCENTIVE 

Mehmed (reading dispatch from the All-Highest) : " Defend 
Jerusalem at all costs for my sake. I was once there myself. " 



187 



Mr. Punclis History of the Great War 



the many sittings at which a small minority of Pacificists and 
irrelevant inquisitors have dragged the House down to the 
depths of ineptitude or worse. In the debate on the Air Force 
in Committee, one member, if we count speeches and interrup- 
tions, addressed the House exactly one hundred times, and it 




ONE UP! 



is worthy of note that his last words were : "This is what you 
call muzzling the House of Commons." If we were to believe 
some critics, the British Navy is directed by a set of doddering 
old gentlemen who are afraid to let it go at the Germans, and 
cannot even safeguard it from attack. The truth, as expounded 
by the First Lord, Sir Eric Geddes, in his maiden speech, is 
quite different. Despite the Jeremiads of superannuated sailors 
and political longshoremen, the Admiralty is not going to 
Davy Jones's locker, but under its present chiefs, who have, 
with very few exceptions, seen service in this War, maintains 
and supplements its glorious record. 

Save for an occasional game of "tip and run," as with the 

188 



Rhondda on Rations 



North Sea convoy, enemy vessels have disappeared on the 
surface of the ocean; and the long arm of the British Navy 
is now stretching down into the depths and up into the skies 
in successful pursuit of them. If the nation hardly realises 
what it owes to the men of the Fleet and their splendid com- 
rades of the Auxiliary Services, it is because this work is done 
with such thoroughness and so little fuss, and, as Mr. Asquith 
put it, "in the twilight and not in the limelight." 




Aunt Maria : " Do you know I once actually saw the Kaiser riding 
through the streets of London as bold as brass. If I'd known then what I 
know now I'd have told a policeman." 



The general sense of the community is now practically 
agreed that compulsory rationing must come, and the sooner 
the better. Lord Rhondda is still hopeful that John Bull will 
tighten his own belt and save him the trouble. But if we fail, 
the machinery for compulsion is all ready. 

Reuter reports that a British prisoner has been sentenced 
to a year's imprisonment for calling the Germans "Huns." 
On the Western front Tommy usually calls them "Allymans," 
"Jerry," or "Fritz." But even if this prisoner did use the word 
he cannot be blamed. The choice was the Kaiser's when, as 

189 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



Attila's understudy, "Go forth," he said, "my sons. Go and 
behave exactly as the Huns." 

Apropos of the Kaiser, it appears that a certain Herr 
Stegerwald, addressing a Berlin meeting, said: "We went 
to war at the side of the Kaiser, and the All-Highest will return 
from war with us." If we may be permitted to say anything, 
we expect he will be leading by at least a couple of lengths. 

The versatility and inventive genius of the Prime Minister 
provoke mingled comment. An old Parliamentarian, when 
asked to what party Mr. Lloyd George now belonged, 
recently answered : " He used to be a Radical ; he will some 
day be a Conservative; and at present he is the leader of the 
Improvisatories." 



December, igij. 

IT seems useless to attempt to cope with the staggering 
multiplicity of events crowded into the last few weeks. 
Jerusalem captured in this last crusade, which realises 
the dream of Cceur de Lion ; Russia "down and out " as a result 
of the armistice and the Brest-Litovsk Conference; Germany's 
last colony conquered in East Africa; Lord Lansdowne's 
letter; the retirement of Lord Jellicoe; while in one single 
week Cuba has declared war on Austria, the Kaiser has 
threatened to make a Christmas peace offer, and Mr. Bernard 
Shaw has described himself as "a mere individual." We have 
traversed the whole gamut of sensation from the sublime and 
tragic to the ridiculous; and Armageddon, vulgarised by the 
vulgar repetition of the journalist, has redeemed its significance 
in the dispatches from our Palestine front. The simplicity and 
dignity of General Allenby's entry into the Syrian town — 

Where on His grave with shining eyes 
The Syrian stars look down — 

afford a happy contrast to the boastful pageantry of the Kaiser's 

visit in 1898. Meanwhile it has not yet been decided in Berlin 

what the Sultan of Turkey thinks of the capture of Jerusalem. 

Where Russia is concerned Mr. Balfour wisely declines to 

190 




BETRAYED 

The Pander: "Come on; come and be kissed by him." 



191 



Mr. Punch s History of the Great War 



be included among the prophets; all he knows is that she has 
not yet evolved a Government with which we can negotiate. 

There is a Government in Germany, but neither Govern- 
ment nor people afford excuse for the negotiations which Lord 
Lansdowne, in a fit of war-weariness, has advocated in his 
letter to the Daily Telegraph. His unfortunate intervention, 
playing into the hands of Pacificists and Pro-Boches, is all the 
more to be deplored in a public servant who has crowned a 
long, disinterested and distinguished career by an act of 
grievous disservice to his country. British grit will win, 
declares Sir William Robertson ; but our elderly statesmen 
must refrain from dropping theirs into the machinery. Happily 
the Government are determined to give no more publicity to 
the letter than they can help. On the Vote of Credit for 
550 millions the Chancellor of the Exchequer has been invited 
by Mr. Dillon to make a survey of the military situation, and has 
replied that all the relevant facts are known already. "The 
War is going on; the Government and the country intend it 
shall go on; and money is necessary to make it go on." That 
was a good answer to a member who has certainly done little 
to receive special consideration. Not only do we need money; 
we need men to supply the gaps caused by our withdrawal of 
troops to Italy and the constant wastage on all fronts. 

Mr. Balfour, as we have seen, abstains from prophecy. 
Mr. Dillon, who, with other Nationalists, bitterly resents the 
decision of the Government to apply the rules of arithmetic 
to the redistribution of seats in their beloved country, has 
indulged in a terrifying forecast which ought to be placed on 
record. He has threatened the House with the possibility that 
at the next General Election he and his colleagues might be 
wiped out of existence. 

Tommy is a very great man, but he is not a great linguist, 
though he always gets what he wants by the aid of signs or tele- 
pathy. Three years and some odd months have not changed 
his point of view, and now for Thomas to find himself in Italy 
is only to discover another lot of people who cannot understand 
or make themselves understood. "Alliances," as a corre- 
spondent from Italy puts it, "are things as wonderful to see as 
they are magnificent to read about. I do, however, regard with 

192 




THE NEED OF MEN 

Mr. Punch (to the Comber-out) : " More power to your 
elbow, sir. But when are you going to fill up that silly gap ? " 

Sir Auckland Geddes : " Hush ! Hush ! We're waiting for 
the Millennium." 



N 



193 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



something approaching alarm the new language which will 
be evolved to put the lot of us on complete speaking terms." 

Lord Rhondda, who listened from the Peers' gallery to 
the recent debate in the Commons on Food Control, has re- 
ceived a quantity of advice intended to help him in minding 
his p's and q's, particularly the latter. In China, we read in 
the Daily Express, a chicken can still be purchased for six- 




.-Wwv ^ 



THE NEW LANGUAGE 

Tommy (lo inquisitive French children) : " Nah, then, alley toot sweet, an' 
the tooter the sweeter ! " 



pence; intending purchasers should note, however, that at 
present the return fare to Shanghai brings the total cost to a 
figure a trifle in excess of the present London prices. More 
bread is being eaten than ever, according to the Food Con- 
troller ; but it appears that the stuff is now eaten by itself instead 
of being spread thinly on butter, as in pre-war days. Bloaters 
have reached the unprecedented price of sixpence each. This 
is no more, as we have seen, than a chicken fetches in China, 
but it is enough to dispel the hope that bloaters, at any rate 
over the Christmas season, would remain within the reach of 
the upper classes. At a Guildford charity fete the winner of 
a hurdle race has been awarded a new-laid egg. If he succeeds 

194 



Christmas and the Children 



in winning it three years in succession it is to become his own 
property. 

Christmas has come round again, and peace still seems 
a far-off thing. "What shall he have that killed the deer?" 
someone asks somebody else in As You Like It. But 
there is a better question than that, and it is this: "What 
shall they have that preserve the little dears ? " And the 
answer is — honour and support. For there can be no doubt 
that in these critical times, when the life of the best and 
bravest and strongest is so cheap, no duty is more important 
than the cherishing of infancy, and the provision of seasonable 
joys to the youngest generation, gentle and simple. More than 
ever Mr. Punch welcomes the coming of Santa Klaus :] 

Thou who on earth was named Nicholas-^ — 
There be dull clods who doubt thy magic power 
To tour the sleeping world in half-an-hour, 

And pop down all the chimneys as you pass 
With woolly lambs and dolls of frabjous size 
For grubby hands and wonder-laden eyes. 

Not so thy singer, who believes in thee 

Because he has a young and foolish spirit; 

Because the simple faith that bards inherit 
Of happiness is still the master key, 

Opening life's treasure-house to whoso clings 

To the dim beauty of imagined things. 



January, igiS. 

WHILE avoiding as a rule the fashionable role of 
prophet, Mr. Punch is occasionally tempted to indulge 
in prediction. The year 191 8, in which France is 
greeting in increasing numbers the heirs of the Pilgrim Fathers, 
is going to be America's year. As for the Kaiser, 

A Fatherland Poet was busy of late 
In making the Kaiser a new Hymn of Hate; 
Perhaps, ere its echoes have time to grow dim, 
The Huns may be learning a new Hate of Him. 
195 



Mr. PuncUs History of the Great War 



In this prophetic strain Mr. Punch has been musing on the 
fortunes of the Hohenzollerns under a German Republic. Will 
the ex-Kaiser be appointed to the post of official Gatherer of 
Scraps of Paper, or start in business as a second-hand ward- 
robe dealer with a large assortment of slightly soiled uniforms? 
Or will he be ordered to ring a joy-bell on the anniversary of 
the inauguration of the German Republic? 

These are attractive speculations, but a trifle previous, while 
hospital ships are still being torpedoed, U-boats are busy at 




The ex-Kaiser is appointed to the post of official gatherer of scraps of paper. 

Funchal, and the bonds of German influence and penetration 
are being forged anew at Brest-Litovsk. The latest news 
from that quarter seems to indicate that the Kaiser desires 
peace — at any rate for the duration of the War. And 
already there is a talk of a German counter-offensive on a 
colossal scale on the Western front. So that Mr. Punch's 
message for the New Year is couched in no spirit of premature 
jubilation, but rather appeals for fortitude and endurance. 

How needful such an appeal is may be gathered from the 
proceedings at Westminster, less fit for the Mother than the 
Mummy of Parliaments, where "doleful questionists " exhume 
imaginary grievances or display their "nerve" by claiming 
the increase in pay recently granted to fighting men for 

196 



STJAIC IT! 




TO ALL AT HOME 



197 



Mr. Punch s History of the Great War 



conscientious objectors in the Non-Combatant Corps. The 
interest taken by one of this group in Army Dentistry inspires 
the wish that "the treatment of jaw-cases" mentioned by the 
Under-Secretary for War could be applied on the Parliamentary 
front. Head-hunting is in full swing. This classical sport, 
as practised in Borneo, involved the discharge of poisoned 
darts through a blow-pipe, and the House of Commons has 
not materially altered the method. In the attack of January 23 
it is supposed that the Head of the Government was aimed 
at; but most of the shots went wide and hit the Head of our 
Army in France. Ministers have not distinguished themselves 
except by their capacity for "butting-in " and eating their 
words. Public opinion has been inflamed rather than en- 
lightened by the discussions on unity of command, and the 
newspaper campaign directed against our War chiefs. Mean- 
while, the Suffragists have triumphantly surmounted their last 
obstacle in the House of Lords, and Votes for Women is now 
an accomplished fact. But the Irish Andromeda still awaits 
her Perseus, gazing wanly at her various champions in Con- 
vention. The Ulsterman's plea for conscription in Ireland 
has been rejected after Sir Auckland Geddes had declared that 
it would be of no use as a solution of the present difficulty. 
He did not give his reasons, but they are believed to be Con- 
ventional. Mr. Barnes has described the Government as 
"living on the top of a veritable volcano," but, in spite of the 
context, the phrase must not be taken to refer to the Minister 
of Munitions, who, as everybody knows, cannot be sat upon. 
Military experts tell us that this is a " Q " war, meaning 
thereby that the Quartermaster-General's department is the 
one that matters. Naval experts sometimes drop hints attach- 
ing another significance to that twisty letter. Harassed house- 
keepers are beginning to think that this is a "queue-war," and 
look to Lord Rhondda to end it. For the moment the elusive 
rabbit has scored a point against the Food Controller, but public 
confidence in his ability is not shaken. All classes are being 
drawn together by a communion of inconvenience. The sporting 
miner's wife can no longer afford dog biscuits : "Our dog's got 
to eat what we eats now." And the pathetic appeal of the smart 
fashionable for lump sugar, on the ground that her darling 

198 



Lights and Leading 



Fido cannot be expected to catch a spoonful of Demerara from 

the end of his nose, leaves the grocer cold. A dairyman 

charged with selling unsatisfactory milk has explained to the 

Bench that his cows were suffering from shell-shock. He 

himself is now 

suffering from 

shell -out -shock. 

A t Ramsgate a 

shopkeeper has 

exhibited a notice 

in his window 

announcing that 

"better days are 

in store." What 

most people want 

is butter days. 

The disquieting 
activities of the 
"giddy Gotha" 
involve drastic 
enforcement o f 
the lighting 
orders, and the 
moon is still an 
object o f suspi- 
cion. Pessimists 
and those critics 
who are never 
content unless 
each day brings 
a spectacular suc- 
cess, seem to have taken for their motto : " It's not what I mean, 
but what I say, that matters." But the moods of the non-com- 
batant are truly chameleonic. Civilians summoned to the War 
Office pass from confidence to abasement, and from abasement 
to megalomania in the space of half an hour. 

Turkey, it appears, has sent an urgent appeal to Berlin 
for funds. The disaster to the Goeben can be endured, since 
the Sultan can now declare a foreshore claim, and do a little 

199 




Orderly Sergeant : " Lights out, there." 
Voice from the Hut: "It's the moon, Sergint." 
Orderly Sergeant • " I don't give a d — — what 
it is. Put it out! " 



Mr. PttncKs History of the Great War 



salvage profiteering; but Palestine is another matter. Since 
General Allenby's advance "running " expenses have swallowed 
up a formidable total. The War is teaching us many things, 
including geography. We are taking a lively interest in the 
Ukraine, and the newspapers daily add to our stock of interest- 
ing knowledge. Apropos of General Allenby's entry into 
Jerusalem, we learn that "the predominance of the tar brush 
in the streets added to the brightness of the scene," and in 
connection with his return to Cairo, that "the MacCabean Boy 
Scouts " took part in the reception — presumably the Cadet Corps 
of the Jordan Highlanders. But the most reassuring news 
comes from the enemy Press. "It is simply a miracle," says 
the Cologne Gazette, "that the Germans have so loyally stood 
by their leaders," and for once we are wholly in agreement with 
our German contemporary. 

If Mr. Punch may exert his privilege of turning abruptly 
to grave from gay, the claim may be allowed on behalf of the 
youngest generation, already remembered in the chronicle of 
last month. 

CHILDREN OF CONSOLATION 

By the red road of storm and stress 

Their fathers' footsteps trod, 
They come, a cloud of witnesses, 

The messengers of God. 

Cradled upon some radiant gleam, 

Like living hopes they lie, 
The rainbow beauty of a dream 

Against a stormy sky. 

Before the tears of love were dried, 

Or anguish comfort knew, 
The gates of home were opened wide 

To let the pilgrims through. 

Pledges of faith, divinely fair, 

From peaceful worlds above 
Against the onslaught of despair 

They hold the fort of love. 



200 




f I I— 



WTh \ 



I am bidden to the War 
Office. 




I depart for it. I approach it, 





I enter. 



I am not observed. I am still not observed. 






I am observed. 



I am spoken to (and 
still live). 



I continue to be 
spoken to. 




I am spoken to quite I am shaken hands with. I take my leave, 

nicely. 

THE CIVILIAN AND THE WAR OFFICE 

20I 



Mr. Punch* s History of the Great War 



February^ igi8. 

*W 7ATCHMAN, what of the night?" The hours pass 

\/\/ amid the clash of rumours and discordant voices — 

optimist, pessimist, pacificist. Only in the answer of 

the fighting man, who knows and says little, but is ready for 

anything, do we find the best remedy for impatience and 

misgiving : 

"Soldier, what of the night? " 

"Vainly ye question of me; 
I know not, I hear not nor see; 

The voice of the prophet is dumb 
Here in the heart of the fight. 

I count the hours on their way; 
I know not when morning shall come; 
Enough that I work for the day." 

The first Brest-Litovsk Treaty has been signed, followed 
in nine days by the German invasion of Russia, an apt com- 
ment on what an English paper, by a misprint which is really 
an inspiration, calls "the Brest Negotiations." 

The record of the Bolshevist regime is already deeply 
stained with the massacre of the innocents, but Lenin and 
Trotsky can plead an august example. More than fourteen 
thousand British non-combatants — men, women and children — 
have been murdered by the Kaiser's command. And the 
rigorous suppression of the strikes in Berlin furnishes a useful 
test of his recent avowals of sympathy with democratic ideals. 
By way of a set-off the German Press Bureau has circulated 
a legend of civil war in London, bristling with circumstantial 
inaccuracies. The enemy's successes in the field — the occupa- 
tion of Reval and the recapture of Trebizond — are the direct 
outcome of the Russian debacle. Our capture of Jericho marks 
a further stage in a sustained triumph of good generalship 
and hard fighting, which verifies an old prophecy current 
among the Arabs in Palestine and Syria, viz. that when the 
waters of the Nile flow into Palestine, a prophet from the 
West will drive the Turk out of the Arab countries. The first 
part of the prophecy was fulfilled by the pipe-line which has 
brought Nile water (taken from the fresh-water canal) for the 

202 




THE LIBERATORS 

First Bolshevik: "Let me see; we've made an end of Law, 
Credit, Treaties, the Army and the Navy. Is there anything else 
to abolish? " 

Second Bolshevik: "What about War ? " 

First Bolshevik: "Good! And Peace too. Away with both 
of 'em ! " 



203 



Mr, PimcJis History of the Great War 



use of the Egyptian Expeditionary Force across the Sinai 
desert to the neighbourhood of Gaza. The second part was 
fulfilled by the fact that General Allenby's name is rendered 
in Arabic by exactly the same letters which form the words 
"El Nebi," i.e. the Prophet. 

At home we have seen the end of the seventh session of a 
Parliament which by its own rash Act should have committed 
suicide two years ago. Truly the Kaiser has a lot to answer 
for. On the last day but one of the session 184 questions were 
put, the information extracted from Ministers being, as usual, 
in inverse ratio to the curiosity of the questioners. The open- 
ing of the eighth session showed no change in this respect. 
The debate on the Address degenerated into a series of personal 
attacks on the Premier by members who, not without high 
example, regard this as the easiest road to fame. The only 
persons who have a right to congratulate themselves on the 
discussion are the members of the German General Staff, who 
may not have learned anything that they did not know before, 
but have undoubtedly had certain shrewd suspicions confirmed. 
Mr. Bonar Law, in one of his engaging bursts of self-revelation, 
observed that he had no more interest in this Prime Minister 
than he had in the last; but the House generally seemed to 
agree with Mr. Adamson, the Labour leader, who, before 
changing horses again, wanted to be sure that he was going 
to get a better team. A week later, on the day on which the 
Prince of Wales took his seat in the Lords, Lord Derby 
endeavoured to explain why the Government had parted with 
Sir William Robertson, the Chief of the Imperial Staff, and 
replaced him by General Wilson. It is hard to say whether 
the Peers were convinced. Simultaneously in the House of 
Commons the Prime Minister was engaged in the same task, 
but with greater success. Mr. Lloyd George has no equal 
in the art of persuading an audience to share his faith in him- 
self. How far our military chiefs approved the recent decision 
of the Versailles Conference is not known. But everyone 
applauds the patriotic self-effacement of Sir William Robertson 
in silently accepting the Eastern Command at home. 

In Parliament the question of food has been discussed in 
both Houses with the greatest gusto. Throughout the country 

204 



Eticlid Revised 



it is the chief topic of conversation. To the ordinary queues 
we now have to add processions of conscientious disgorgers 
patriotically evading prosecution. The problem "Is tea a 




SECRET DIPLOMACY 

Wife : " George, there are two strange men digging up the garden." 
GEORGE : " It's all right, dear. A brainy idea of mine to get the garden 

dug up. I wrote an anonymous letter to the Food Controller and told him 

there was a large box of food buried there." 
Wife : " Heavens ! But there is ! " 

food or is it not ? " convulses our Courts, and the axioms of 
Euclid call for revision as follows : 

" Parallel lines are those which in a queue, if only produced 
far enough, never mean meat." 

"If there be two queues outside two different butchers' 
shops, and the length and the breadth of one queue be equal 
to the length and breadth of the other queue, each to each, 
but the supplies in one shop are greater than the supplies in 
the other shop, then the persons in the one queue will get 
more meat than those in the other queue, which is absurd, and 
Rhondda ought to see about it." 

All the same, Lord Rhondda is a stout fellow who goes on 

205 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



his way with an imperviousness to criticism —criticism that is 
often selfish and contemptible — which augurs well for his 
ultimate success in the most thankless of all jobs. 




Indignant War-Worker|: "And she actually asked me if I didn't think I 
might be doing something ! Me ? And I haven't missed a charity matinee for 
the last three months." 

Food at the front is another matter, and Mr. Punch is glad 
to print the tribute of one of his war-poets to the "Cookers " :' 

The Company Cook is no great fighter, 

And there's never a medal for him to wear, 
Though he camps in the shell-swept waste, poor blighter, 

And many a cook has " copped it " there ; 
But the boys go< over on beans and bacon, 

And Tommy is best when Tommy has dined, 
So here's to the Cookers, the plucky old Cookers, 

And the sooty old Cooks that waddle behind. 

"It is Germany," says a German paper, "who will speak 
the last word in this War. Yes, and the last word will be 
" Kamerad ! " But that word will be spoken in spite of many 
pseudo-war-workers on the Home Front. 

206 



The Beginning of the End 



Among the many wonders of the War one of the most 
wonderful is the sailor-man, three times, four times, five times 
torpedoed, who yet wants to sail once more. But there is one 
thing that he never wants to do again— to "pal" with Fritz 
the square-head : 

"When peace is signed and treaties made an' trade begins again, 
There's some'll shake a German's 'and an' never see the stain; 
But not me," says Dan the sailor-man, "not me, as God's on high — 
Lord knows it's bitter in an open boat to see your shipmates die." 

Among the ignoble curiosities of the time we note the 
following advertisements in a Manchester newspaper of "wants" 
in our "indispensable" industries: "Tennis ball inflators, 
cutters and makers" and "Caramel wrappers"; while a 
Brighton paper has "Wanted, two dozen living flies weekly 
during the remainder of winter for two Italian frogs." 

The situation in Ireland remains unchanged, and suggests 
the following historical division of eras, (i) Pagan era; 
(2) Christian era; (3) De Valera. 



March, iqi8. 

ONCE again the month of the War-God has been true 
to its name. March, opening in suspense, with the 
Kaiser and his Chancellor still talking of peace, has 
closed in a crisis of acute anxiety for the Allies. The expected 
has happened; the long-advertised German attack has been 
delivered in the West, and the war of movement has begun. 
Breaking through the Fifth British Army, in five days the 
Germans have advanced twenty-five miles, to within artillery 
range of Amiens and the main lateral railway behind the British 
lines. Bapaume and P6ronne have fallen. The Americans 
have entered the war in the firing line. It is the beginning 
of the end, the supreme test of the soul of the nation : 

The little things of which we lately chattered — 
The dearth of taxis or the dawn of Spring; 
207 



Mr, Punch's History of the Great War 



Themes we discussed as though they really mattered, 
Like rationed meat or raiders on the wing; — 

How thin it seems to-day, this vacant prattle, 
Drowned by the thunder rolling in the West, 

Voice of the great arbitrament of battle 
That puts our temper to the final test. 

Thither our eyes are turned, our hearts are straining, 
Where those we love, whose courage laughs at fear, 

Amid the storm of steel around them raining, 
Go to their death for all we hold most dear. 

New-born of this supremest hour of trial, 
In quiet confidence shall be our strength, 

Fixed on a faith that will not take denial 

Nor doubt that we have found our soul at length. 

O England, staunch of nerve and strong of sinew, 
Best when you face the odds and stand at bay ; 

Now show a watching world what stuff is in you ! 
Now make your soldiers proud of you to-day ! 

Of our soldiers we at home cannot be too proud, from 
Field-Marshal to officer's servant. As one of Mr. Punch's 
correspondents at the front writesT "Dawn to me hereafter 
will not be personified as a rosy-fingered damsel or a lovely 
swift-footed deity, but as a sturdy little man in khaki, crimson- 
eared with cold, heralded and escorted by frozen wafts of outer 
air, bearing in one knobby fist a pair of boots, and in the other 
a tin mug of black and smoking tea." As for the charities and 
courtesies of war, as interpreted by our soldiers, Mr. Punch 
can wish for no better illustration than in these lines on "The 
German graves " : 

I wonder are there roses still 

In Ablain St. Nazaire, 
And crosses girt with daffodil 

In that old garden there. 
I wonder if the long grass waves 

With wild-flowers just the same, 
Where Germans made their soldiers' graves 

Before the English came? 
208 




MADE IN GERMANY 

Civilisation: "What's that supposed to represent ? " 

Imperial Artist : " Why, ' Peace,' of course." 

Civilisation: " Well, I don't recognise it — and I never shall. 



209 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



The English set those crosses straight 

And kept the legends clean; 
The English made the wicket-gate 

And left the garden green; 
And now who knows what regiments dwell 

In Ablain St. Nazaire? 
But I would have them guard as well 

The graves we guarded there. 

And when at last the Prussians pass 

Among those mounds and see 
The reverent cornflowers crowd the grass 

Because of you and me, 
They'll give, perhaps, one humble thought 

To all the " English fools " 
Who fought as never men have fought 

But somehow kept the rules. 

To turn from the crowning ordeal of our Armies to the 

activities of British politicians on the eve of the great German 

attack is not a soul-animating experience. Indeed, the efforts 

of Messrs. Snowden and Trevelyan, Pringle and King almost 

justify the assumption that Hindenburg would have launched 

his offensive earlier but for his desire not to interfere with the 

great offensive conducted by his friends on the Westminster 

front. Our anti-patriots, however, are placed in a dilemma. 

They were bound to side with Germany, because of their 

rooted belief that England always must be wrong. They were 

bound to hail the Bolshevik self-determinators because of their 

entirely sound views on peace at any price. But now their two 

loves are fighting like cats. Hence the problem : "Which am I 

(both can't well be right), Pro-German or Pro-Trotsky ite ? " 

Discussions of pig shortage, commandeered premises, the 

relations of the Government and Press, and the duties of the 

Directors of Propaganda leave us cold or impatient. But 

members of all parties have been united in genuine grief over 

the death of Mr. John Redmond, snatched away just when 

his distracted country most needed his moderating influence. 

For in their anxiety not to interfere with the deliberations of 

those patriotic Irishmen who are trying to settle how Ireland 

210 



Comptdsion by Coupon 



shall be governed in the future, the Government are allowing 
it to become ungovernable by anybody. A new and agreeable 
Parliamentary innovation has been introduced by Sir Eric 
Geddes in the shape of an immense diagram showing the 
downward tendency of the U-boat activities. Other orators 
might with advantage follow this method. Indeed, there are 
some whose speeches would be more enjoyable if they were 




BY SPECIAL REQUEST 

Customer : " Here, waiter, take a coupon off this and ask the band to play 
five-penn'orth of 'The Roast Beef of Old England.'" 

all diagrams. As for that pledge of the New Citizenship, the 
Education Bill, the debate on the second reading has been 
such a long eulogy of its author that Mr. Fisher would be 
well advised to offer a propitiatory sacrifice to Nemesis. 

Compulsory rationing is now an established fact, and the 
temporary disappearance of marmalade from the breakfast table 
has called forth many a cri de coeur. As one lyrist puts it : 

Let Beef and Butter, Rolls and Rabbits fade, 
But give me back my love, my Marmalade. 

211 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



And another has addressed this touching vow to margarine : 

Whether the years prove fat or lean 

This vow I here rehearse : 
I take you, dearest Margarine, 

For butter or for worse. 

It is reported that the Government's standard suits for 
men's wear will soon be available. One is occasionally tempted 
to hope that women's costumes might be similarly standardised. 




THE COAT THAT DIDN'T COME OFF 



The German Press announces the death of the notorious 
"Captain of Koepenick," and the Cologne Gazette refers to 
him as "the only man who ever succeeded in making the 
German Army look ridiculous." This is the kind of subtle 
flattery that the Hohenzollerns really appreciate. 

212 



Hopes and Fears 



April, igi8. 

WE have reached the darkest hours of the War and 
the clouds have not yet lifted, though the rate of the 
German advance has already begun to slow down. 
On the nth the enemy broke through at Armentieres and 
pushed their advantage till another wedge was driven into the 
British line. On the 12th Sir Douglas Haig issued his historic 
order : "With our backs to the wall, and believing in the justice 
of our cause, each one of us must fight to the end. The safety 
of our homes and the freedom of mankind depend alike upon 
the conduct of each one of us at the critical moment." The 
Amiens line being under fire, it was impossible to bring French 
reinforcements north in time to save Kemmel Hill and stave off 
the menace to .the Channel ports. The tale of our losses is 
grievous, and for thousands and thousands of families 
nothing can ever be the same again. The ordeal of Paris 
has been renewed by shelling from the German long-distance 
gun, the last and most sensational of German surprise-packets. 
These are indeed dark days, yet already lit by hopeful omens — 
the closer union of the Allies, the appointment of the greatest 
French military genius, General Foch, as Generalissimo of the 
Allied Forces, and his calm assurance that we have as yet lost 
"nothing vital." America is pouring men into France and, 
without waiting to complete the independent organisation of 
her Army, has chivalrously sent her troops forward to be 
brigaded with French and British units. Even now there are 
optimists, wno are not fools, who maintain that Germany has 
shot her last bolt and knows that she is losing. It is at least 
remarkable that German newspapers are daily excusing the 
failure of their offensive to secure all its objectives. There is 
clearly something wrong with the time-table and, in the race of 
Man Power, time is on the side of the Allies. 

Truth, long gagged and disguised, is coming to light in 
Germany. This has been the month of the Lichnowsky dis- 
closures — the Memoir of their Ambassador, vindicating British' 
diplomacy and saddling Germany with the responsibility for 
the War. The time of publication is indeed unfortunate for the 
Kaiser, who has been telling us how bitterly he hates war. 

213 



Mr. Punch* s History of the Great War 



For now from German lips the world may know 

Facts that should want some skill for their confounding- 

How Potsdam forced alike on friend and foe 
A war of Potsdam's sole compounding-. 




THE COMING ARMY 

FATHER : " Here's to the fighter of lucky eighteen ! " 
Son : " And here's to the soldier of fifty ! " 

How you, who itched to see the bright sword lunged, 
Still bleating peace like innocent lambs in clover, 

In all that bloody business you were plunged 
Up to your neck and something over. 

And, having fed on little else but lies, 

Your people, with the hollow place grown larger 

Now that the truth has cut off these supplies, 
May want your head upon a charger. 

214 




THE DEATH LORD 

The Kaiser (on reading the appalling tale of German losses) : 
" What matter, so we Hohenzollerns survive ? " 



215 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



And what has England's answer been, apart from the 
stubborn and heroic resistance of her men on the Western 
Front? The answer is to be found in the immediate resolve 
to raise the age limit for service to 50, still more in the glorious 
exploit of Zeebrugge and Ostend, in the incredible valour 
of the men who volunteered for and carried through what is 
perhaps the most astonishing and audacious enterprise in the 
annals of the Navy. 

The pageantry of war has gone, but here at least is a magnifi- 
cence of achievement and self-sacrifice on the epic scale which 
beggars description and transcends praise. The hornet's nest 
that has pestered us so long, if not rooted out, has been badly 
damaged ; our sailors, dead and living, have once more proved 
themselves masters of the impossible. 

At home Parliament, resuming business after the Easter 
recess, began by giving a second Reading to a Drainage Bill, 
and ended its first sitting in an Irish bog. Ireland throughout 
the month has dominated the proceedings, aloof and irrecon- 
cilable, brooding over past wrongs, blind to the issues of the 
War and turning her back on its realities. Mr. Lloyd George's 
plan of making Home Rule contingent on compulsory service 
has been described by Mr. O'Brien as a declaration of war 
on Ireland. Another Nationalist Member, who at Question 
time urged on the War Office the necessity of according to its 
Irish employees exactly the same privileges and pay as were 
given to their British confreres, protested loudly a little later 
on against a Bill which inter alia extends to Irishmen the 
privilege of joining in the fight for freedom. Mr. Asquith 
questioned the policy of embracing Ireland in the Bill unless 
you could get general consent. Mr. Bonar Law bluntly replied 
that if Ireland was not to be called upon to help in this time of 
stress there would be an end of Home Rule, and that if the 
House would not sanction Irish conscription it would have to 
get another Government. It remained for Lord Dunraven, 
before the passing of the Bill in the House of Lords, to produce 
as "a very ardent Home Ruler " the most ingenious excuse for 
his countrymen's unwillingness to fight that has yet been heard. 
Ireland, he tells us, has been contaminated by the British 
refugees who had fled to that country to escape military service. 

216 







DRAKE'S WAY 

Zeebrugge, St. George's Day, 1918 

Admiral Drake (to Admiral Keyes) : " Bravo, sir. Tradition 
holds. My men singed a King's beard, and yours have singed a 
Kaiser's moustache." 



217 



Mr. Puncfis History of the Great War 



The Prime Minister, in reviewing the military situation, has 
attributed the success of the Germans to their possessing the 
initiative and to the weather. Members have found it a little 
difficult to understand why, if even at the beginning of March 
the Allies were equal in numbers to the enemy on the West and 
if, thanks to the foresight of the Versailles Council, they knew in 
advance the strength and direction of the impending blow, 
they ever allowed the initiative to pass to the Germans. It is 
known that hundreds of thousands of men have been rushed out 
of England since the last week of March. Why, if Sir Douglas 
Haig asked for reserves, were they not sent sooner? These 
mysteries will be resolved some day. Meanwhile General 
Trenchard, late chief of the Air Staff, and by general consent 
an exceptionally brilliant and energetic officer, has retired into 
the limbo that temporarily contains Lord Jellicoe and Sir William 
Robertson. But Lord Rothermere (Lord NorthclifiVs brother), 
who still retains the confidence of Mr. Pemberton Billing, 
remains, and all is well. The enemy possibly thinks it even 
better. "At least we should keep our heads," declared Mr. 
Pringle during the debate on the Man-Power Bill. We are 
not sure about this. It depends upon the heads. 

It is a pity that the "New Oxford Dictionary " should have 
so nearly reached completion before the War and the emer- 
gence of hundreds of new words, now inevitably left out. The 
Air service has a new language of its own, witness the con- 
versation faithfully reported by an expert : 



Scene: R.F.C. Club. 
Time : Every Time. 

First Pilot. Why, it's Brown-Jones ! 

Second Pilot. Hullo, old thing! What are you doing now? 

First Pilot. Oh, I'm down at Puddlemarsh teaching huns— 
monoavros, pups and dolphins. 

Second Pilot. I'm on the same game, down at Mudbank — sop- 
two-seaters and camels. We've got an old tinside, too, for joy- 
riding. 

First Pilot. You've given up the rumpety, then? 

Second Pilot. Yes, I was getting ham-handed and mutton- 

218 




THE POLITICIAN WHO ADDRESSED THE TROOPS 



219 



Mr, Punch's History of the Great War 



fisted, flapping the old things every day; felt I wanted to stunt 
about a bit. 

First Pilot. Have you ever butted up against Robinson-Smith 
at Mudbank? He was an ack-ee-o, but became a hun. 

Second Pilot. Yes, he crashed a few days ago — on his first 
solo flip, taking off — tried to zoom, engine konked, bus stalled — 
sideslip — nose-dive. Not hurt, though. What's become of Smith- 
Jones? Do you know? 

First Pilot. Oh, yes. He's on quirks and ack-ws. He tried 
spads, but got wind up. Have you seen the new ? 

Second Pilot. Yes, it's a dud bus — only does seventy-five on 
the ceiling. Too much stagger, and prop stops on a spin. Besides, 
I never did care for rotaries. Full of gadgets too. 

First Pilot. Well, I must tootle off now. I'm flapping from 
Northbolt at dawn if my old airship's ready — came down there 
with a konking engine — plug trouble. 

Second Pilot. Well, cheerio, old thing — weather looks dud — 
you're going to have it bumpy in the morning, if you're on a pup. 

First Pilot. Bye-bye, you cheery old bean. 

[Exeunt. 

The Emperor Karl of Austria, by his recent indiscretions, 
is winning for himself the new title of "His Epistolic Majesty." 
His suggestion that France ought to have Alsace-Lorraine has 
grated on the susceptibilities of his brother Wilhelm. But a 
new fastidiousness is to be noted in the Teuton character. 
"Polygamy," says an article in a German review, "is essential 
to the future of the German race, but a decent form must be 
found for it." 



May, igi8. 

WITH the coming of May the Vision of Victory which 
had nerved Germany to her greatest effort seemed 
fading from her sight. With its last days we see them 
making a second desperate effort to secure the prize, capturing 
Soissons and the Chemin des Dames and pushing on to the 
Marne. This time the French have borne the burden of the 
onslaught, but Rheims is still held, the Americans are pouring 
in to France at the rate of 250,000 a month, and have proved 

220 






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221 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 

their mettle at Cantigny, a small fight of great importance, as 
it "showed their fighting qualities under extreme battle con- 
ditions," in General Pershing's words, and earned the praise 
of General Debeney for the "offensive valour " of our Allies. 

The British troops have met Sir Douglas Haig's appeal as 
we knew they would :' 

Their will to win let Boches bawl 

As loudly as they choose, 
When once our back's against the wall 

'Tis not our wont to lose. 

Those who have gone back at the seventh wave are waiting 
for the tide to turn. To the fainthearted or shaken souls who 
contend that no victory is worth gaining at the cost of such 
carnage and suffering, these lines addressed "To Any Soldier " 
may serve as a solvent of their doubts and an explanation of 
the mystery of sacrifice : 

If you have come through hell stricken or maimed, 

Vistas of pain confronting you on earth ; 

If the long road of life holds naught of worth 
And from your hands the last toil has been claimed; 
If memories of horrors none has named 

Haunt with their shadows your courageous mirth 

And joys you hoped to harvest turn to dearth, 
And the high goal is lost at which you aimed; 

Think this — and may your heart's pain thus be healed — 
Because of me some flower to fruitage blew, 

Some harvest ripened on a death-dewed field, 
And in a shattered village some child grew 

To womanhood inviolate, safe and pure. 

For these great things know your reward is sure. 

The Germans have reached Sevastopol, but the Kaiser's 
Junior Partner in the South is only progressing in the wrong 
direction. While Wilhelm is laboriously struggling to get 
nearer the sea, Mehmed is getting farther and farther away 
from it. The attitude of Russia remains obscure. Mr. Balfour 
tells us that it is not the intention of the Government to appoint 
an Ambassador to Russia. But there is talk of sending out 

222 



u Ourselves Alone" 



an exploration party to find out just where Russia has got 
to. Russia, however, is not the only country whose attitude 
is obscure. The Leader of the Irish Nationalist Party is re- 
ported to have said to a New York interviewer : " We believe 
that the cause of the Allies is the cause of Freedom throughout 
the world." At the same time, while repudiating the policy of 
the Sinn Feiners, he admitted that he had co-operated with 
them in their resistance to the demand that Ireland should 
defend the cause of Freedom. The creed of Sinn Fein — "Our- 
selves Alone " — is at least more logical than that of these 
neutral Nationalists : 

And is not ours a noble creed 

With Self uplifted on the throne? 
Why should we bleed for others' need? 

Our motto is "Ourselves Alone." 

Why prate of ruined lands out there, 
Of churches shattered stone by stone? 

We need not care how others fare, 
We care but for "Ourselves Alone." 

Though mothers weep with anguished eyes 
And tortured children make their moan, 

Let others rise when Pity cries ; 

We rise but for "Ourselves Alone." 

Let Justice be suppressed by Might, 

And Mercy's seat be overthrown ; 
For Truth and Right the fools may fight, 

We fight but for " Ourselves Alone." 

Meanwhile, the gentle Mr. Duke has retired from the Chief 
Secretaryship to the Judicial Bench ; Mr. Shortt, his successor, 
recently voted against conscription for Ireland; Lord French, 
the new Viceroy, is believed to favour it. The appointments 
seem to have been made on the cancelling-out principle, and 
are as hard to reconcile as the ministerial utterances on the recent 
German push. Thus Mr. Macpherson declared that the crisis 
came upon us like a thief in the night, while on the same day 
Mr. Churchill observed that the German offensive had opened 

223 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



a month later than we had calculated, and consequently our 
reserves in munitions were correspondingly larger than they 
would have been. Anyhow, it is a good hearing that the lost 
guns, tanks, and aeroplanes have all been more than replaced, 
and the stores of ammunition completely replenished, while 
at the same time munition workers have been released for the 




THE DUD 



Army at the rate of a thousand a day. These results have been 
largely due to the wonderful work of the women, who turned 
out innumerable shells of almost incredible quality — not like 
that depicted by our artist. 

Mr. Bonar Law has brought in his Budget and asked for 
a trifle of 842 millions. We are to pay more for our letters, 
our cheques, and our tobacco. The Penny Postage has gone, 
and the Penny Pickwick with it. For the rest we have had the 

224 



War the Leveller 



Maurice Affair, which looked like a means of resurrecting the 
Opposition but ended in giving the Government a new lease of 
life, and Sir Eric Geddes has given unexpected support to the 
allegations that the German pill-boxes were made of British 
cement. At least he admitted that the port of Zeebrugge was 
positively congested with shiploads of the stuff. Proportional 
Representation has been knocked out for the fifth time in this 
Parliament; and we have to thank Sir Mark Sykes for telling 
us that the Whip's definition of a crank is "a wealthy man who 
does not want a Knighthood, or a nobleman who does not want 
to be an Under-Secretary." 

War is a great leveller. The Carl Rosa Company are about 
to produce an opera by an English composer. And war is 
teaching us to revise our histories. For example, "' Nelson,' 
the greatest naval pageant film ever attempted, will," says the 
Daily News, "tell the love story of Nelson's life and the out- 
standing incidents of his career, including the destruction of 
the Spanish Armada." No scandal about Queen Elizabeth, we 
trust. The Daily News, by the way, is much exercised by 
Mr. Punch's language towards the enemy, which it describes 
as being in the Billingsgate vein. In spite of which rebuke, 
and at the risk of offending the readers of that patriotic organ, 
Mr. Punch proposes to go on saying just what he thinks of 
the Kaiser and his friends. 

The price of tobacco, as we have seen, is becoming a serious 
matter, but Ireland proposes to grapple with the problem in 
her own way. The Ballinasloe Asylum Committee, according 
to an announcement in the Times of May 14, have decided, 
with the sanction of the authorities, to grow tobacco leaf for 
the use of their inmates. "A doctor said that if the patients 
were debarred from an adequate supply of tobacco there would 
be no controlling them." 

As a set-off to the anti-"Cuthbert " campaign in the Press 
the War Cabinet has in its Report declared that "the whole 
Empire owes the Civil Service a lasting debt of gratitude." 
It looks as if there was something in red tape after all. We 
must not, however, fail to recognise the growth of the new 
competitive spirit in the sphere of production, and Mr. Punch 
looks forward to the establishment of Cup Competitions for 
p 225 



Mr, Punch's History of the Great War 



Clydesdale Riveters and London Allotment workers. Woman's 
work in munition factories has already been applauded; her 
services on the land are now more in need than ever. 




WOMAN POWER 

Ceres : " Speed ^the plough ! " 

Ploughman : " I don't know who you are, ma'am, but it's no good speeding 
the plough unless we can get the women to do the harvesting." 

Fifty thousand more women are wanted on the land to take the place of men called to 
the colours, if the harvest is to be got in.) 



June, igi8. 

THE danger is not past, but grounds for hope multiply. 
The new German assault between Montdidier and Noyon 
has brought little substantial gain at heavy cost. 
The attacks towards Paris have been held, and Paris, with 

226 




THE CELESTIAL DUD 

Kaiser: " Ha! A new and brilliant star added to my constella- 
tion of the Eagle ! " 

General Foch : " On the wane, I think." 

(It is anticipated in astronomical circles that the new star, Nova Aquilce, will shortly 

disappear.) 



227 



Mr. Punch* s History of the Great War 



admirable fortitude, makes little of the attentions of "Fat 
Bertha." "The struggle must be fought out," declared the 
Kaiser in the recent anniversary of his accession to the throne. 
In the meanwhile no opportunities of talking it out will be over- 
looked by the 

^v%_ c/iMik^ » £F?^ enemy. He is 

once more play- 
ing the old 
game of striv- 
ing to promote 
discord between 
the Allies. At 
the very mo- 
ment when the 
official commu- 
niques an- 
nounced the 
capture of 
45,000 prison- 
ers, the Chan- 
cellor began a 
new peace of- 
fensive, aimed 
p r i m a r i 1 y at 
France, and 
supported by 
mendacious re- 
ports that the 
French Govern- 
ment were 
starting for 
Bordeaux, Cle- 
menceau over- 
thrown, and Foch disgraced. But the campaign of falsehood 
has proved powerless to shake France or impose on the German 
people. Commandeered enthusiasm is giving place to grave 
discontent. The awakening of Germany has begun, and the 
promise of a speedy peace falls on deaf ears. In the process of 
enlightenment the Americans have played a conspicuous part, 

228 




"COMPLETE ACCORD"; OR, ALL DONE 
BY KINDNESS 



Imperial Trainer (to hig dog Karl) : 
no nonsense; through you go!" 



Now then, 



Kiihlmanri s Warning 



in spite of the persistent belittlement of the military experts in 
the official German Press. The stars in their courses have some- 
times seemed to fight for Germany, but they are withdrawing 
their aid. 

The long struggle between von Kiihlmann and the generals 
has ended in the fall of the Minister; but not before he had 
indicated to the Reichstag the possibility of another Thirty 
Years' War, and asserted that no intelligent man ever enter- 
tained the wish that Germany should attain world-domination. 
There was a time when this frank reflection on the Hohen- 
zollern intelligence would have constituted lese-majeste. 
Coming from a Minister it amounts to a portent. Now he has 
gone, but the growing belief that military operations cannot 
end the war has not been scotched by his fall, and Herr Erz- 
berger vigorously carries on the campaign against Chancellor 
Hertling and the generals. Austria has been at last goaded 
into resuming the offensive on the Italian Front and met with 
a resounding defeat. It remains to be seen how Turkey and 
Bulgaria will respond to the urgent appeals of their exacting- 
master. 

The ordeal of our men on the Western Front is terrible, 
but they have at least one grand and heartening stand-by in 
the knowledge that they have plenty of guns and no lack of 
shells behind them. This is the burden of the "Song of 
Plenty " from an old soldier to a young one : 

The shelling's cruel bad, my son, 

But don't you look too black, 
For every blessed German one 

He gets a dozen back — 
But I remember the days 

When shells were terrible few 
And never the guns could bark and blaze 

The same as they do for you. 

But they sat in the swamp behind, my boy, and prayed for a tiny 

shell, 
While Fritz, if he had the mind, my boy, could give us a 6rst-class 

hell; 

229 



Mr. Punch 's History of the Great War 



And I know that a 5.9 looks bad to a bit of a London kid, 
But I tell you you were a lucky lad to come out when you did. 

Up in the line again, my son, 

And dirty work, no doubt, 
But when the dirty work is done 

They'll take the Regiment out — 
But I remember a day 

When men were terrible few 
And we hadn't reserves a mile away 

The same as there are for you, 

But fourteen days at a stretch, my boy, and nothing about relief; 
Fight and carry and fetch, my boy, with rests exceeding brief; 
And rotten as all things sometimes are, they're not as they used 

to be, 
And you ought to thank your lucky star you didn't come out with 

me. 

Our mercurial Premier lays himself open to a good deal 
of legitimate criticism, but for this immense relief, unstinted 
thanks are due to his energy and the devoted labours of the 
munition workers, women as well as men. 

The Admiralty have decided not to publish the Zeebrugge 
dispatches for fear of giving information to the enemy. All 
he knows at present is that a score and more of his torpedo- 
boats, submarines, and other vessels have been securely locked 
up in the Bruges Canal by British Keyes. The Minister of 
Pensions has told the House the moving story of what has 
already been done to restore, so far as money and care can do 
it, the broken heroes of the War, and Lord Newton's alleged 
obstructiveness in regard to the treatment and exchange of 
prisoners has been discussed in the Lords. Mr. Punch's own 
impression is that Lord Newton owes his unmerited position 
as whipping boy to the fact that he does not suffer fools gladly, 
even if they come in the guise of newspaper reporters; and 
that, unlike his illustrious namesake, he has no use for the 
theory of gravity. Meanwhile the Kaiser, with a sublime dis- 
regard for sunk hospital-ships and bombed hospitals, continues 
to exhibit his bleeding heart to an astonished world. 

230 




A PITIFUL POSE 

Teuton Crocodile: "I do so feel for the poor British wounded, 
I only wish we could do more for them." 

(" We Germans will preserve our conception of Christian duty towards the sick and wounded " 
— From recent remarks of the Kaiser reported by a German correspondent.) 



331 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



Now that the Food Controller has got into his stride, the 
nation has begun to realise the huge debt it owes to his firmness 
and organising ability, and is proportionately concerned to 
hear of his breakdown from overwork. The queues have 
disappeared, supplies are adequate, and there are no complaints 
of class-favouritism. 

It is remarkable how the British soldier will pick up lan- 




BoBBY (at the conclusion of dinner) : " Mother, I don't know how it is, but 
never seem to get that — that — nice sick feeling nowadays." 

guages, or at least learn to interpret them. Only last week an 
American corporal stopped a British Sergeant and said : "Say, 
Steve, can you put me wise where I can barge into a boiled- 
shirt biscuit-juggler who would get me some eats ? " And the 
Sergeant at once directed him to a cafe\ The training of the 
new armies, to judge by the example depicted by our artist, 
affords fresh proof of the saying that love is a liberal education. 
The situation on the Parliamentary Front has been fairly 
quiet. The popular pastime of asking when the promised Home 
Rule Bill is to be introduced is no longer met by suitably 

232 



The Penalty of Decoration 



varied but invariably evasive replies. The Government has 
now frankly admitted that the policy of running Home Rule 
and Conscription in double harness has been abandoned, and 
expects better things from the new pair : Firm Government and 
Voluntary Recruiting. But sceptics are unconvinced that the 
Government will abandon the leniency prompted by "the insane 
view of creating an atmosphere in which something incom- 
prehensible is to occur." 

The lavish and, in many cases, inexplicable distribution of 




Mistress (as the new troops go by) : " Which of them is your cousin ? " 
Nursemaid (unguardedly) : " I don't know yet, ma'am." 



the Order of the British Empire bids fair to add a peculiar 
lustre to the undecorated. The War has produced no stranger 
paradox than the case of the gentleman who within the space 
of seven days was sentenced to six months' imprisonment for 
a breach of the Defence of the Realm regulations and recom- 
mended for the O.B.E. on account of good services to the 
country. The fact that the recommendation was withdrawn 
hardly justified the assumption of a Pacificist Member that a 
sentence under the Defence of the Realm Act was regarded as 
the higher honour of the two. 

233 



Mr. PuncJis History of the Great War 



There is one thing, however, that war at its worst cannot 
do. It cannot make an Englishman forgo that peculiar and 
blessed birthright which enables him to overthrow the Giant 
Despair with the weapon of whimsical humour — in other words, 
to write, as a young officer has written for Mr. Punch, such a 
set of verses as the following in June, 1918 : 

THE BEST SMELL OF ALL 

When noses first were carved for men 

Of varied width and height, 
Strange smells and sweet were fashioned then 

That all might know delight — 
Smells for the hooked, the snub, the fine, 

The pug, the gross, the small, 
A smell for each, and one divine 

Last smell to soothe them all. 

The baccy smell, the smell of peat, 

The rough gruff smell of tweed, 
The rain smell on a dusty street 

Are all good smells indeed; 
The sea smell smelt through resinous trees, 

The smell of burning wood, 
The saintly smell of dairies — these 

Are all rich smells and good. 

And good the smell the nose receives 

From new-baked loaves, from hops, 
From churches, from decaying leaves, 

From pinks, from grocers' shops; 
And smells of rare and fine bouquet 

Proceed, the world allows, 
From petrol, roses, cellars, hay, 

Scrubbed planks, hot gin and cows. 

But there's a smell that doth excel 

All other smells by far, 
Even the tawny stable smell 

Or the boisterous smell of tar ; 
A smell stupendous, past compare, 

The king of smells, the prize, 
That smell which floods the startled air 

When home-cured bacon fries ! 

234 



The Best Smell of All 



All other smells, whate'er their worth, 

Though dear and riohly prized, 
Are earthy smells and of the earth, 

Are smells disparadised ; 
But when that smell of smells awakes 

From ham of perfect cure, 
It lifts the heart to heaven and makes 

The doom of Satan sure. 

How good to sit at twilight's close 

In a warm inn and feel 
That marvellous smell caress the nose 

With promise of a meal ! 
How good when bell for breakfast rings 

To pause, while tripping down, 
And snuff and snuff till Fancy brings 

All Arcady to Town ! 

But best, when day's first glimmerings break 

Throug-h curtains half withdrawn, 
To lie and smell it, scarce awake, 

In some great farm at dawn ; 
Cocks crow, the milkmaid clanks the pails, 

The housemaid bangs the stairs; 
And bacon suddenly assails 

The nostrils unawares. 

Noses of varied width and height 

Doth kindly Heaven bestow, 
And choice of smells for our delight, 

That all some joy may know; 
Noses and smells for all the race 

That on this earth do dwell, 
And for a final act of grace 

The astounding bacon smell. 

But the War has its drawbacks, and owing to its unex- 
pected prolongation there is a rumour that Mr. H. G. Wells 
will readjust his ideas on the subject quarterly instead of twice 
a week as before. 



*35 



Mr, Punch's History of the Great War 



July, igi8. 

FRANCE'S DAY" was held on July 14 under the 
auspices of the British Red Cross Committee. But this 
has been France's month, the month in which the miracle 
of the first battle of the Marne has been equalled by the second, 




HUN TO HUN 

Attila (to Little Willie): "Speaking as one barbarian to another, I don't 
recommend the neighbourhood. I found it a bit unhealthy myself." 

(Attila's victorious progress across Gaul was finally checked on the plains of Chalons.) 

and the Germans have been hurled back across the fatal river 
by the tremendous counterstroke of General Foch. 

On the 15th the Germans launched their great offensive. 
On the 20th they recrossed the Marne, and are now entitled to 
complain that General Foch not only took over the French 

236 




vjp , «^[«f|f 



VERY MUCH UP 

A Champagne Counter-Offensive 



237 



Mr. Punch 9 s History of the Great War 



and British armies, but has recently started taking over a good 
part of the German army. The neighbourhood has never been 
a healthy one for the Huns since the days of Attila. 

Fritz has crossed the Marne and recrossed it— according to 
plan— and is already on the way to the Aisne. The battle 
of the rivers has begun again, but on new lines. Yet this amaz- 
ing turn of the tide has been taken very quietly in France and 
England. The Allies have rung no joy-bells; they are content 
with doing their best to give Germany no occasion for further 
indulgence in that form of jubilation. And Germany is meet- 
ing them more than half way, their authorities having ordered 
a supplementary requisition of those church-bells which were 
exempted when the first confiscation was made. "At this heavy 
hour," said von Kuhlmann to the Reichstag, "none of us fully 
realise what we owe to the German Emperor." That was a 
month ago; the realisation of their indebtedness has since 
advanced by leaps and bounds. There are now 1,000,000 
Americans in France. But the Kaiser and his War-lords are 
still passing their victims through the fire to the Pan-German 
Moloch, and threatening to send German generals to teach 
the Austrian Army how to win offensives. It is even reported 
that the Germans contemplate placing the ex-king of Greece 
on the throne of Finland. Fantastic rumours are rife in these 
days; but there is only too good reason to believe the report 
that the ex-Tsar, the Tsaritsa, and their daughters have all been 
murdered by their brutal captors at Ekaterinburg. It seems 
but yesterday when Nicholas was acclaimed as the Saviour 
and regenerator of his people, and now Tsardom, irrevocably 
fallen from its high estate, has gone down amid scenes of 
butchery and barbarity that eclipse the Reign of Terror in 
France. 

Little has happened at Westminster to indicate a conscious- 
ness on the part of the members of the great and glorious 
events in France. The Irish Expeditionary Force, after an 
absence of three months and a severe training at home, has 
returned to the Parliamentary Front, and their war-cry is 
"Devlin's the friend, not Shortt ! " But the Chief Secretary 
was able to make the gratifying announcement that the volun- 
tary recruiting campaign is to be assisted by several Nationalist 

238 



The Secret of the Ships 



M.P.'s, including Captain Stephen Gwynn, who has been 
serving in the trenches, and Colonel Lynch, who, having raised 
one Irish brigade to fight against us in the Boer War, and been 
sentenced to death for doing it, has now, with an inconsistency 
we cannot too gratefully recognise, undertaken to raise another 
to fight on our side. Mr. Bonar Law has revealed the interest- 
ing fact that only 288 members of the House of Commons have 
received titles, decorations, or offices of profit since it was 
elected in December, 1910. The unnoticed residue are probably 
wondering whether it is their own modesty or the shortsighted- 
ness of Ministers that has caused them to be passed over. Mr. 
Billing, after several pathetic but futile efforts to regain his 
place in the limelight, has at last succeeded in getting himself 
named, suspended, and forcibly assisted by four stalwart 
officials in his exit from the House — the most salutary move- 
ment, in the opinion of most members, with which he has yet 
been connected. 

Admiral Sir Rosslyn Wemyss, in a recent speech, said that 
the association between the two Services, the Ro)^al Navy and 
the Mercantile Marine, had been so close during the War, 
whatever that association might have been before, that it seemed 
to him almost incredible that it could ever be broken asunder. 
The First Sea Lord's statement is welcome and natural. But 
there is nothing really new in this solidarity of the seas. The 
Secret of the Ships is an old story : 

On their ventures in the service of a Tudor King or Queen 

All the ships were just as like as they could be, 
For the merchantman gave battle, while the Royal ship was seen 

As a not too simple trader over-sea : 
Being heirs to ancient customs, when their upper sails came down 

As a token of respect in passing by, 
They would add the salutation in a language of their own, 

"God speed you, we be sisters, thou and I." 

As the centuries receded came a parting of the ways 

Till in time the separation went so far 
That a family was founded who were traders all their days, 

And another who were always men-of-war; 

239 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



But whene'er they dipped their colours, one in faith, they understood — 
And the sea, who taught them both, could tell you why — 

That the custom never altered, so the greeting still held good, 
"God speed you, we be sisters, thou and I." 

Then in days of common sacrifice and peril was it strange 

That they ratified the union of the past? 
While their Masters, unsuspecting, greatly marvelled at the change, 

But they prayed with all their souls that it would last ; 
And the ships, who know the secret, go rejoicing on their way, 

For whatever be the ensign that they fly, 
Such as keep the seas with honour are united when they pray, 

"God speed you, we be sisters, thou and I." 




"WAR PICTURES" 

The Mother : " Of course, I don't understand them, dear ; but they give 
me a dreadful feeling. I can't bear to look at them. Is it really like that at 
the Front ? " 

The Warrior (who has seen terrible things in battle) : " Thank heaven, no, 
mother." 

England deplores the death of Lord Rhondda, who achieved 
success in the most irksome and invidious of offices. He 
undertook the duties of Food Controller in broken health, never 



War Pictures — Helpful and Otherwise 



spared himself, and died in harness. It is to be hoped that he 
realised what was the truth — that he had won not only the 
confidence but the gratitude of the public. 

Spain has rendered herself unpleasantly conspicuous by 
developing and exporting a new form of influenza, and a 
Spanish astrologer predicts the end of the world in a few 
months' time. But we are not going to allow those petty 
distractions to take our minds off the War. Here we may note 
that Baron Burian's recent message indicates that but for the 
War everything would be all right in Austria. Our artists 
are certainly determined not to let us forget it. But the most 
valuable pictures do not find their way into galleries, though 
they do not lack appreciative spectators. 




Camouflage Officer: "That's very clever. Who did it?" 
Sergeant .- " Oh, that's by Perkins, sir — quit e an expert. Used to paint 
sparrows before the war and sell 'em for canaries." 



No record of the month would be complete without notice 
of the unique way in which the Fourth of July has been cele- 
brated by John Bull and Uncle Sam in France. Truly such a 
meeting as this does make amends. 
Q 241 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



August, igi8. 

JULY was a glorious month for the Allies, and August is 
even better. It began with the recovery of Soissons ; a week 
later it was the turn of the British, and Sir Douglas Haig 
struck hard on the Amiens front; since then the enemy have 
been steadily driven back by the unrelenting pressure of the 
Allies, Bapaume and Noyon have been recaptured, and with 
their faces set for home the Germans have learnt to recognise 
in a new and unpleasant sense the truth of the Kaiser's saying, 
"The worst is behind us." The 8th of August was a bad day 
for Germany, for it showed that the counter-offensive was not 
to be confined to one section ; that henceforth no respite would 
be allowed from hammer-blows. The German High Command 
endeavours to tranquillise the German people by communiques, 
the gist of which may thus be rendered in verse : 

In those very identical regions 

That sunder the Marne from the Aisne 
We advanced to the rear with our legions 

Long ago and have done it again ; 
Fools murmur of errors committed, 

But every intelligent man 
Has accepted the view that we flitted 

According to plan. 

The French rivers have found their voice again : 

'Twas the voice of the Marne 

That began it with " Garn ! 

Full speed, Fritz, astarn ! " 

Then the Ourcq and the Crise 

Sang "Move on, if you please." 

The Ardre and the Vesle 

Took up the glad tale, 

And cried to the Aisne 

"Wash out the Hun stain." 
So all the way back from the Marne the French rivers 
Have given the Boches in turn the cold shivers. 

Hindenburg has confided to a newspaper correspondent that 
the German people need to develop the virtue of patience, 

242 




o 

w 
O 

c 

fl 

CO 

4-7 

s fl 

3 i 

CO 



Q ^ 

o £ 

u £ 

u »- 



(0 



-243 



Mr. PuncKs History of the Great War 



According to the Berliner Tageblatt he has declared that he 
was not in favour of the July offensive. LudendorfT, on the 
other hand, may fairly point out that it isn't his offensive any 
longer. Anyhow, Hindenburg is fairly entitled to give Luden- 
dorff the credit of it since Ludendorff's friends have always 
said that he supplied the old Mud-Marshal with brains. The 




VON POT AND VON KETTLE 

German GENERAL: "Why the devil don't you stop these Americans coming 
across ? That's your job." 

German Admiral: "And why the devil don't you stop 'em when they are 
across ? That's yours." 

amenities of the High Command are growing lively, since the 
Navy is also concerned, and the failure of the U-boats to check 
the influx of American troops needs a lot of explaining away. 
The good news from the Front has been received at home 
with remarkable composure, when one considers the acute 
anxiety of the last four months. But it is the way of England 
to endure felicity with calmness and adversity with fortitude. 

244 



Shortt Shrift for Mr. Dillon 



In the House of Lords Lord Inchcape and Lord Emmott have 
been propitiating Nemesis by their warnings of the gloomy 
financial future that is in store for us, while in the Commons 
the Bolshevist group below the gangway are apparently much 
perturbed by the prospect that Russia may be helped on to 
her legs again by the Allies. Mr. Dillon's indictment of the 
Government for their treatment of Ireland has had, however, 
a welcome if unexpected result. Mr. Shortt, the new Chief 




Child (who has been made much of by father home on leave for the first 
time for two years) : " Mummy dear, I like that man you call your husband." 



Secretary, an avowed and unrepentant Home Ruler, has been 
telling Mr. Dillon's followers a few plain truths about them- 
selves : that they have made no effort to turn the Home Rule 
Act into a practical measure; that instead of denouncing Sinn 
Fein they had followed its lead; that they had attacked the 
Irish executive when they ought to have supported it, and by 
their refusal to help recruiting had forfeited the sympathy of 
the British working classes. Mr. Lloyd George, in his review 
of the War, warned the peacemongers not to expect their efforts 
to succeed until the enemy knew he was beaten, but vouchsafed 

245 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



no information as to his alleged intention to go to the country 
in the political sense. In spite of the Premier's warning the 
Pacificists made another futile attempt on the very next day 
to convince the House that the Germans were ready to make 
an honest peace if only our Government would listen to it. 
They were well answered by Mr. Robertson, who was a Pacificist 
himself until this War converted him, and by Mr. Balfour, 
who declared that we were quite ready to talk to Germany as 
soon as she showed any sign of a change of heart. Up to the 
present there has been no sign of it. 

Food is still the universal topic. Small green apples, says 
a contemporary, are proving popular. A boy correspondent, 
however, desires Mr. Punch to say that he has a little inside 
information to the contrary. Nottingham children, it is stated, 

are to be paid 3d. a 
pound for gathering 
blackberries, but 
they are not to use 
their own recep- 
tacles. Captain 
Amundsen is on his 
way to the Pole, but 
we fear that he will 
not find any cheese 
there. The voca- 
bulary of food con- 
trol has even made 
its way to the nur- 
sery. A small girl 
on being informed 
by her nurse that a 
new little baby 
brother had come 
to live with her 
promptly replied : 
"Well, he can't stay 
unless he's brought 
his coupons." 

Yet one of Mr. 




Latest addition to Ministry Staff 
he tea-time here?" 

Cicerone : " Usual— three to five-thirty." 

246 



What's 



Kaiser aitd Dentist 



Punch's poets, in prophetic and optimistic strain, has 
actually dared to speculate on the delights of life without 
"Dora"; Dickens, with the foresight of genius, wrote in 
"David Copperfield" how his hero "felt it would have been 
an act of perfidy to Dora to have a natural relish for my dinner." 

The enterprise of The Times in securing the reminiscences of 
the Kaiser's American dentist (or gum-architect, as he is called 
in his native land) has aroused mingled feelings. But the 
Kaiser is reported to have stated in no ambiguous terms that 
if, after the War, any Americans are to be given access to him, 
from Ambassadors downwards, they must be able neither to 
read nor write. The Times is also responsible for the headline : 
"The Archangel Landing." There was a rumour of something 
of this kind after Mons, but this is apparently official. 

One prominent effect of the War has been to make two 
Propagandist Departments flourish where none grew before, and 
it is to be feared that the reflection on the industry of our new 
officials implied in the picture on the previous page is not with- 
out foundation. 

War has not only stimulated the composition, but the 
perusal of poetry, especially among women : 

When the Armageddon diet 
Makes Priscilla feel unquiet, 
She prescribes herself (from Pope) 
An acidulated trope. 

When the lard-hunt ruffles Rose 
Wordsworth lulls her to repose, 
While a snippet from the "Swan" 
Stops the jam-yearn of Yvonne. 

When the man-slump makes her fretty 
Susie takes to D. Rossetti, 
Though her sister Arabella 
Rather fancies Wilcox (Ella). 

When Evangelina swoons 
At the sound of the maroons, 
Mrs. Hemans comes in handy 
As a substitute for brandy. 

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Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



And when Auntie heard by chance 
That the Curate was in France, 
Browning's enigmatic lyrics 
Helped to save her from hysterics. 



September, igi8. 

SINCE July 15th, when the Kaiser mounted a high obser- 
vation post to watch the launching of the offensive which 
was to achieve his crowning victory, but proved the 
prelude of the German collapse, the conflict has raged con- 
tinuously and with uninterrupted success for the Allied Armies. 
The Kaiser Battle has become the Battle of Liberation. The 
French bore the initial burden of the attack, but since August 8 
"hundreds of thousands of unbeaten Tommies," to quote the 
phrase of a French military expert, have entered into action in 
a succession of attacks started one after the other all the way up 
to Flanders. Rawlinson, Home, and Byng have carried on the 
hammer work begun by Mangin, Gouraud, and Debeney. 
Peronne has been recovered, the famous Drocourt-Queant 
switch-line has been breached, the Americans have flattened 
out the St. Mihiel salient. The perfect liaison of British and 
French and Americans has been a wonderful example of com- 
bined effort rendered possible by unity of command. "Marshal 
Foch strikes to-day at a new front," is becoming a standing 
head-line. And this highly desirable "epidemic of strikes" 
is not confined to the Western Front. As Generalissimo of all 
the Allied Forces the great French Marshal has planned and 
carried out an ensemble of operations designed to shatter and 
demoralise the enemy at every point. The long inaction on 
the Salonika Front has been ended by the rapid and triumphant 
advance of the British, French, Serbians, and Greeks under 
General Franchet d'Esperey. Eight days sufficed to smash the 
Bulgarians, and the armistice then granted was followed four 
days later by the surrender of Bulgaria. In less than a fort- 
night General Allenby pushed north from Jerusalem, anni- 
hilated the Turkish armies in Palestine, and captured Damascus. 
And by the end of the month the Hindenburg line had been 

248 




STORM DRIVEN 

The Kaiser : " I don't like this wind, my son. Which way is it ? " 
The Crown Prince : " Up ! " 



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Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



breached and gone the way of the "Wotan " line. Wotan was 
not a happy choice : 

But even super-Germans are wont at times to nod, 

And to borrow Wotan's aegis was indubitably odd ; 

For dark decline o'erwhelmed his line : he saw his god-head wane, 

And his stately palace vanish in a red and ruinous vain. 

Well may the Berlin Tageblatt say that "the war stares 
us in the face and stares very hard." When a daily paper 




IN RESERVE 

German Eagle (to German Dove) : " Here, carry on for a bit, will you 
I'm feeling rather run down." 

announces "Half Crown Prince's army turned over to another 
General," we are curious to know how much the Half Crown 
Prince thinks the German Sovereign worth. But the end is 
not yet. Our pride in the achievements of our Armies and 
Generals, in the heroism of our Allies and the strategy of 
Marshal Foch does not blind us to the skill and tenacity with 
which the Germans are conducting their retreat. Fritz is a 
tough fighter ; if only he had fought a clean fight we could look 
forward to a thorough reconciliation. But that is a far cry 
for those who have been in the war, farthest of all for our 
sailormen, who can never forget certain acts of frightfulness. 

250 



The New Cut 



Hans Dans an' me was shipmates once, an' if 'e'd fought us clean, 
Why shipmates still when war was done might Hans an' me 'ave 

been ; 
The truest pals a man can have are them 'e's fought before, 
But — never no more, Hans Dans, my lad, so 'elp me, never no more ! 

Austria has issued a Peace Note, and the German Chancellor 
has declared that Germany is opposed to annexation in any 
form. The German Eagle, making a virtue of necessity, is 
ready to give the bird of Peace an innings. 




ALARMING SPREAD OF BOBBING 

The two Emmas, Ack and Pip, are naturally furious at the 
adoption of the twenty-four hours' system of reckoning time, 
which means that their occupation will be gone, and that like 
other old soldiers they will fade away. Amongst other inno- 
vations we have to note the spread of "bobbing," the further 
possibilities of which are alarming to contemplate. 

Ferdinand, Tsar of Bulgaria, great grandson of Philippe 
Egalite, finding Sofia unhealthy, has been recuperating at 
Vienna. His future plans are vague, but it is thought he may 
join the ex-Kings' Club in Switzerland. Lenin, the Bolshevist 

251 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 

Dictator, has recently experienced an attempt on his life, and 
retaliated in a fashion which would have done credit to a 
mediaeval despot. England still refuses to indulge in joy 
bells or bunting, but the London police have seized the occasion 
to strike on the home front. Their operations have been 
promptly if inconsistently rewarded by the removal of their 
chief and his elevation to the baronetcy. 

Parliament is not sitting, and the voice of the Pro-Boche 
and the Pro-Bolsh is temporarily hushed. We have to note, 
however, a most welcome rapprochement between Downing 
and Carmelite Streets — the Daily Mail has praised the Foreign 
Office for an "excellent piece of work," and the scapegoat, 
unexpectedly caressed, is sitting up and taking nourishment. 

The harvest has been a success, thanks to the energy of 
the new land-workers, the armies behind the army : 

All the talent is here — all the great and the lesser, 
The proud and the humble, the stout and the slim, 

The second form boy and the aged professor, 
Grade three and the hero in want of a limb. 

Four years of war have brought curious changes to "our 
village " : 

Our baker's in the Flying Corps, 

Our butcher's in the Buffs, 
Our one policeman cares no more 

For running lin the roughs, 
But carves a pathway to the stars 
As trooper in the Tenth Hussars. 

The Mayor's a Dublin Fusilier, 

The clerk's a Royal Scot, 
The bellman is a brigadier 

And something of a pot ; 
The barber, though at large, is spurned; 
The Blue Boar's waiter is interned. 

The postman, now in Egypt, wears 

A medal on his coat ; 
The vet. is breeding Belgian hares, 

The vicar keeps a goat; 
The schoolma'am knits upon her stool; 
The village idiot gathers wool. 
252 




First week 



Second week 




Third week Fourth week 

THE FARMER AND THE FARM LABOURER 



253 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



The husbandman and his new help have undergone mutual 
transformation. And our cadet battalions are making them- 
selves very much at home at Oxford and Cambridge. 




Cadet: "Really, from the way these College Authorities make themselves at 
home you'd think the place belonged to them." 



The Navy still remains the silent Service, but, as the need 
for reticence is being relaxed by the triumph of our arms, we 
are beginning to learn something, though unofficially as yet, 
of that "plaything of the Navy and nightmare of the Huns " — 
the Q-boat : 

She can weave a web of magic for the unsuspecting foe, 

She can scent the breath of Kultur leagues away, 
She can hear a U-boat thinking in Atlantic depths below 
And disintegrate it with a Martian ray ; 

She can feel her way by night 
Through the minefield of the Bight ; 
She has all the tricks of science, grave and gay. 

In the twinkle of a searchlight she can suffer a sea-change 
From a collier to a Shamrock under sail, 

254 



Chameleons of the Sea 



From a Hyper-super-Dreadnought, old Leviathan at range, 
To a lightship or a whaler or a whale; 

With some canvas and a spar 

She can mock the morning- star 
As a haystack or the flotsam of a gale. 

She's the derelict you chartered north of Flores outward-bound, 

She's the iceberg - that you sighted coming back, 
She's the salt-rimed Biscay trawler heeling home to Plymouth 
Sound, 
She's the phantom-ship that crossed the moon-beams' track; 
She's the rock where none should be 
In the Adriatic Sea, 
She's the wisp of fog that haunts the Skagerrack. 

Recognition of services faithfully done is an endless task ; 
but Mr. Punch is glad to print the valedictory tribute of one 
of the boys in blue to a V.A.D. — a class that has come in for 
much undeserved criticism. 

While willy-nilly I must go 

A-hunting of the Hun, 
You'll carry on — which now I know 
(Although I've helped to rag you so) 

Means great work greatly done. 

Among the minor events of the month has been the christ- 
ening of a baby by the names of Grierson Plumer Haig French 
Smith-Dorrien, as its father served under these generals. The 
idea is, no doubt, to prevent the child when older from asking : 
" What did you do in the Great War, Daddy ? " 

England, as we have already said, endures its triumphs with 
composure. But our printers are not altogether immune from 
excitement. An evening paper informs us that "the dwifficupl- 
ties of passing from rigid trench warfare to field warfare are 
gigantic and perhaps unsurmountable." And only our innate 
sense of comradeship deters us from naming the distinguished 
contemporary which recently published an article entitled : 
"The Importance of Bray." 



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Mr. Punch* s History of the Great War 



October, igi8. 

THE growing crescendo of success has reached Its climax 
in this, the most wonderful month of our annus mira- 
bilis. Every day brings tidings of a new victory. St. 
Quentin, Cambrai, and Laon had all been recaptured in the 
first fortnight. On the 17th Ostend, Lille, and Douai were re- 
gained, Bruges was reoccupied on the 19th, and by the 20th 
the Belgian Army under King Albert, reinforced by the French 
and Americans, and with the Second British Army under 
General Plumer on the right, had compelled the Germans to 
evacuate the whole coast of Flanders. The Battle of Liberation, 
which began on the Marne in July, is now waged uninter- 
ruptedly from the Meuse to the sea. Only in Lorraine has the 
advance of the American Army been held up by the difficulties 
of the terrain and the exceptionally stubborn resistance of the 
Germans. 

Elsewhere the "war of movement " has gone on with un- 
relenting energy according to Foch's plan, which suggests a 
revision of Pope : 

Great Foch's law is by this rule exprest, 
Prevent the coming, speed the parting pest. 

The German, true to his character of the world's worst loser 
and winner, leaves behind him all manner of booby-traps, some 
puerile, many diabolical, which give our sappers plenty of 
work, cause a good many casualties, and only confirm the 
resolve of the victors. 

According to a German paper — the Rhenish Westphalian 
Gazette — ex-criminals are being drafted into the German Army. 
But the Allies propose to treat them without invidious dis- 
tinction. The Crown Prince recently observed that he had 
"many friends in the Entente countries"; as a matter of fact, 
we seem to be getting them at the rate of about twenty-five 
thousand a week. The criminals in the German Navy have 
again been busy, adding to their previous exploits the sinking 
of the passenger steamer Leinster, in the Irish Channel, with 

256 



FocKs Warning 



heavy loss of life, the worst disaster of the kind since the 
torpedoing of the Lusitania. Yet it is Germany that is the 
sinking ship. Ferdinand of Bulgaria has joined the League 
of Abdication, and according to a Sofia telegram, will devote 
himself to scien- 
tific pursuits. His 
only regret is that 
the Allies thought 
of it first. Prince 
Friedrich Karl of 
Hesse says that 
his accession to 
the throne of Fin- 
land will not take 
place for two 
years, and for the 
first time since his 
emergence into 
publicity we find 
ourselves in 
agreement with 
this monarch- 
elect. Ludendorff 
has resigned. 
Austria is suing 
for peace; Count 
Tisza asks'Y 
".Why not admit 
frankly that we 
have lost the 
War ? " 
Italians 
crossed 
Piave, and 




The 
have 
the 
the 



SOLDIER AND CIVILIAN 

MARSHAL Foch (to Messrs. Clemenceau, Wilson and 
Lloyd George) : " If you're going up that road, gentle- 
men, look out for booby-traps." 



Serbians have reached the Danube. Turkey has been granted 
an armistice, and with the daily victories of the Allies comes 
the daily report that the Kaiser has abdicated. 

Prince Max of Baden, the successor of Hertling in the 
Chancellorship, whose appointment hardly bears out the 
R 257 



Mr. Punch s History of the Great War 



promise of popular government, has issued a pacific Manifesto 
which inspires an "Epitaph in anticipation " : 

In memory of poor Prince Max, 

Who, posing- as the friend of Pax, 

Yet was not noticeably lax 

In the true Teuton faith which hacks 

Its way along - forbidden tracks, 

Marks bloody dates on almanacs 

And holds all promises as wax; 

Breeding, where once we knew Hans Sachs, 

A race of monomaniacs. . . . 

But now illusion's mirror cracks, 

The radiant vision fades, the axe 

Lies at the root. So farewell, Max ! 

Certain people have proclaimed their opinion that the 
German nation ought not to be humiliated. When all is said, 
Mr. Punch saves his pity for our murdered dead. 

Parliament has met again, not that there is any very 
urgent need for their labours just now. With a caution that 
seemed excessive Mr. Bonar Law has thought it premature 
to discuss a military situation changing every hour — though 
happily always for the better — or even to propose a formal Vote 
of Thanks to men who are daily adding to their harvest of 
laurels. On better grounds discussion of Mr. Wilson's famous 
"fourteen points " and of demobilisation has been deprecated. 
The suggestion — made opportunely on Trafalgar Day — for 
securing marks of distinction for our merchant seamen gained 
a sympathetic hearing, and the proposal to make women 
eligible for Parliament has been carried after a serious debate 
by an overwhelming majority in which the ci-devant anti- 
suffragists were as prominent as the others. Five years ago 
such a motion would have furnished an orgy of alleged humour, 
and been laughed out of the House. Mr. Dillon and his col- 
leagues have put a great many questions about the torpedoing 
of the Leinster and the lack of an escort. But it is unfortunate 
that their tone suggested more indignation with the alleged 
laches of the Admiralty than horror at the German crime. 
Irish indignation over the outrage, according to a Nationalist 

258 




23te BacW am %fytm 



259 



Mr. Punch s History of the Great War 



M.P., is intense; but not to the point of expressing itself in 
khaki. 

The woes of the Irish harvest labourers in England have 




/Vvitw noAnaM^. 



Prosperous Irish Farmer : " And what about the War, your Riverence ? Do 
ye think it will hould ? " 

not yet been fully appreciated, and seem to demand a revised 
version of "Moira O'Neill's" beautiful poem: 

THE IRISH EXILE 



Over here in England I'm slavin' in the rain; 
Six-an'-six a day we get, an' beds that wanst were clane; 
Weary on the English work, 'tis killin' me that same — 
Och, Muckish' Mountain, where I used to lie an' dhrame ! 

At night the windows here are black as Father Murphy's hat ; 
'Tis fivepence for a pint av beer, an' thin ye can't get that ; 
Their beef has shtrings like anny harp, for dacent ham I hunt- 
Och, Muckish Mountain, an' my pig's sweet grunt ! 

260 



Old and New " Contemptibles " 



Sure there's not a taste av butthermlilk that Vvan can buy or beg, 
Thin their sweet milk has no crame, an' is as blue as a duck-egg; 
Their whisky is as wake as wather-gruel in a bowl — 
Och, Muckish Mountain, where the poteen warms yer sowl ! 

'Tis mesilf that longs for Irish air an' gran' ould Donegal, 
Where there's lashins and there's lavins and no scarcity at all; 
Where no wan cares about the War, but just to ate an' play — 
Och, Muckish Mountain, wid yer feet beside the say ! 

Sure these Englishmin don't spare thimselves in this thremenjus 

fight; 
They say 'tis life or death for thim, an', faith, they may be right; 
But Father Murphy tells me that it's no consarn av mine — 
Och, Muckish Mountain, where the white clouds shine ! 

Over there in Ireland we're very fond av peace, 

Though we break the heads av Orangemin an' batther the police ; 

For we're all agin the Governmint wheriver we may be — 

Och, Muckish Mountain, an' the wild wind blowin' free ! 

If they tuk me out to Flandhers, bedad I'd have to fight, 

An' I'm tould thim Jarman vagabones won't let ye sleep at night; 

So I'm going home to Ireland wid English notes galore — 

Och, Muckish Mountain, I will niver lave ye more ! 

By way of contrast there is trie mood of the Old Contempt- 
ibles, but it is only fair to add that there are Irishmen among 
them :! 

THE OLD-TIMER 

'E ain't bin 'ung with medals, like a lot o' chaps abaht; 

'E's wore a little dingy but 'e isn't wearin' aht; 

'Is ole tin 'at is battered, but it isn't battered in, 

An' if 'e ain't fergot to grouse, 'e ain't fergot to grin. 

I fancy that 'e's aged a bit since fust the War begun ; 
'E's 'ad 'is fill o' fightin' an' 'e's 'ad 'is share o' fun; 
'Is eyes lis kind o' quiet an' 'is mouth is sort o' set, 
But if I didn't know 'im well I wouldn't know 'im yet. 

I recollec' the look of 'im the time o' the retreat, 
The blood was through 'is toonic an' the skin was orf 'is feet ; 
But "Come aboard the bus," say 'e, "or you'll be lef be'ind ! " 
An' takes me weight upon 'is back — it 'asn't slip me mind. 

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Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



It might 'ave 'appened yesterday, it comes to me so plain ; 
'E's dahn an' up a dozen times, a-reeliing through the rain; 
It might 'ave bin lars' Saturday I seem to 'ear 'im say : 
"There's plenty room a-top, me lad, an' nothin' more to pay." 

'E ain't bin 'ung with medals like a blackamore with beads; 
'E doesn't figure on the screen a-doin' darin' deeds ; 
But reckon I'll be lucky if I gets to Kingdom Come 
Along o' that Contemptible wot wouldn't leave a chum. 




First Contemptible : "D'you remember halting here on the retreat, George?' 
Second DITTO : /'Can't call it to mind, somehow. Was it that little village in 

the wood there down by the river, or was it that place with the cathedral and all 

them factories ? " 



Amongst other items of news we have to chronicle the ap- 
pointment of Mr. Arnold Bennett as a Director of Propaganda, 
the steady growth of goat-keeping, and the exactions of taxi- 
drivers. It is now suggested that if one of these pirates should 
charge you largely in excess of his legal fare, you should 
tell him that you have nothing less than a five-pound note. If 
you have an honest face and speak kindly he will probably 
accept the amount. 

Mr. Bonar Law has been making trips to and from France 
by aeroplane. The report that a number of members of the 

262 




THE SANDS RUN OUT 



263 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



Opposition have been invited by the Admiralty to make a 
descent in a depth-charge turns out to be unfounded. The 
prospects of peace are being discussed on public platforms, but, 
as yet, with commendable discretion. Mr. Roberts, our excellent 
Minister of Labour, has made bold to say that "the happenings 
of the last six weeks justify us in the belief that peace is much 
nearer than it was during the earlier part of the year.' 1 And 
a weekly paper has offered a prize of ,£500 to the reader who 
predicts the date when the .War will end. Meanwhile, Hanover 
is said to have made Hindenburg a birthday present of a 
house in the neighbourhood of the Zoological Gardens in that 
city, and we suggest that before this gift is incorporated in the 
peace-terms the words "the neighbourhood of" should be 
deleted. 



November, igi8. 

THE end has come with a swiftness that has out- 
done the hopes of the most sanguine optimists. In 
the first eleven days of November we have seen history 
in the making on a larger scale and with larger possibilities 
than at any time since the age of Napoleon, perhaps since the 
world began. 

To take the chief events in order, the Versailles Conference 
opened on the 1st; on the 3rd Austria gave in and the resolve of 
the German Naval High Command to challenge the Grand Fleet 
in the North Sea was paralysed by the mutiny at Kiel ; on the 5th 
the Versailles Conference gave full powers to Marshal Foch to 
arrange the terms of an armistice, and President Wilson 
addressed the last of his Notes to Germany; on the 6th the 
American Army reached Sedan ; on the 9th Marshal Foch re- 
ceived Erzberger and the other German Envoys, the Berlin 
Revolution broke out, and the Kaiser abdicated; on the 10th 
the Kaiser fled to Holland, and the British reached Mons. The 
wheel had come full circle. The Belgian, British, French, and 
American Armies now formed a semi-circle from Ghent to 
Sedan, and threatened to surround the German Armies already 
in retreat and crowded into the narrow valley of the Meuse. 
Everything was ready for Foch's final attack; indeed, he was 

264 



Victory I 



on the point of attacking when the Germans, recognising that 
they were faced with the prospect of a Sedan ten times greater 
than that of 1870, signed on November 11 an armistice which 
was equivalent to a military capitulation, and gave Marshal 
Foch all that he wanted without the heavy losses which further 




VICTORY ! 



fighting would have undoubtedly involved. He had shown 
himself the greatest military genius of the War. Here, in the 
words of one of his former colleagues at the Ecole de Guerre, 
he proved himself free from the stains which have so often 
tarnished great leaders in war, the lust of conquest and personal 
ambition. Not only the Allies, but the whole world owes an 

265 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



incalculable debt to this soldier of justice, compact of reason 
and faith, imperturbable in adversity, self-effacing in the hour 
of victory. Glorious also is the record of the other French 
Generals : the strong-souled P^tain, hero of Verdun ; the heroic 




OUR MAN 
With Mr. Punch's Grateful Compliments to Field-Marshal Sir Douglas Haig. 

Maunoury; Castlenau and Mangin, Gouraud, Debeney, and 
Franchet d'Esperey, Captains Courageous, worthy of France, 
her cause, and her indomitable poilus. In the record of acknow- 
ledgment France stands first since her sacrifices and losses have 
been heaviest, and she gave us in Foch the chief organiser of 
victory, in Clemenceau the most inspiring example of in- 
trepid statesmanship. But the War could not have been won 

266 



Captains Courageous 



without England and the Empire ; without the ceaseless vigil in 
the North Sea; without the heroes of Jutland and Coronel, of the 
Falkland Isles and Zeebrugge, of the Fleets behind the Fleet; 
without the services of Smith-Dorrien at Mons, French at 
Ypres; without the dogged endurance, the inflexible will and 



THE FINAL 

Tommy (ex-footballer) : " We was just wipin' them off the face of the earth 
when Foch blows his whistle and shouts ' Temps! 

the self-sacrificing loyalty of Haig; the dash of Maude and 
Allenby; the steadfast leadership in defence and offence of 
Plumer and Byng, Home and Rawlinson and Birdwood. 

These are only some of the heroes who have added to the 
glories of our blood and State, but the roll is endless — wonderful 
gunners and sappers and airmen and dispatch riders, devoted 

267 



Mr. Punch* s History of the Great War 



surgeons and heroic nurses, stretcher-bearers and ambulance 
drivers. But Mr. Punch's special heroes are the Second Lieu- 
tenants and the Tommy who went on winning the War all the 
time and never said that he was winning it until it was won. 

As for the young officers, dead and living, their record is 
the best answer to the critics, mostly of the arm-chair type, 
who have chosen this time to assail our public school system. 
In the papers of one of them killed on August 28 there was 
found an article written in reply to "The Loom of Youth," 
ending with these words: "Perhaps the greatest consolation 
of these attacks on our greatest heritage in England (for we 
are the unique possessors of the Public Schools) is the convic- 
tion that they will have but little effect. Every public school 
boy is serving, and one in every six gives up his life. They 
cannot be such bad places after all." 

Of the great mistakes made by Germany perhaps the greatest 
was in reckoning on the detachment of the Dominions. The 
Canadians have made answer on a hundred stricken fields 
before and after Vimy Ridge. Australia gave her goodliest at 
Gallipoli, crowning the imperishable glory of those who died 
there by her refusal to make a grievance of the apparent failure 
of the expedition, and by the amazing achievement of her troops 
in the last six months of the War. 

The immortal dead, British, Australians, New Zealanders, 
who fell in the great adventure of the narrow straits are not 
forgotten in the hour of triumph. 

GALLIPOLI 

Qui pfocul hinc ante diem perierunt. 

Ye unforgOtten, that for a great dream died, 

Whose failing sense darkened on peaks unwon, 

Whose souls went forth upon the wine-dark tide 
To seas beyond the sun, 

Far off, far off, but ours and England's yet, 

Know she has conquered ! Live again, and let 
The clamouring trumpets break oblivion ! 

Not as we dreamed, nor as you strove to do, 
The strait is cloven, the crag is made our own ; 
268 



Enduring Kings 



The salt grey herbs have withered over you, 

The stars of Spring gone down, 
And your long loneliness has lain unstirred 
By touch of home, unless some migrant bird 

Flashed eastward from the white cliffs to the brown. 

Hard by the nameless dust of Argive men, 
Remembered and remote, like theirs of Troy, 

Your sleep has been, nor can ye wake again 
To any cry of joy ; 

Summers and snows have melted on the waves, 

And past the noble silence of your graves 
The merging waters narrow and deploy. 

But hot in vain, not all in vain, thank God ; 

All that you were and all you miight have been 
Was given to the cold effacing sod, 

Unstrewn with garlands green ; 
The valour and the vision that were yours 
Lie not with broken spears and fallen towers, 

With glories perishable of all things seen. 

Children of one dear land and every sea, 

At last fulfilment comes — the night is o'er; 
Now, as at Samothrace, swift Victory 

Walks winged on the shore; 
And England, deathless Mother of the dead, 
Gathers, with lifted eyes and unbowed head, 

Her silent sons into her arms once more. 

Crowns and thrones have rocked and toppled of late, but 
our King and Queen, by their unsparing and unfaltering 
devotion to duty, by their simplicity of life and unerring instinct 
for saying and doing the right thing, have not only set a fine 
example, but strengthened their hold on the loyalty of all 
classes. And King Albert, who defied Germany at the outset, 
shared the dangers of his soldiers in retreat and disaster, and 
throughout the war proved an inspiration to his people, has 
been spared to lead them to victory and has gloriously come 
into his own again. His decision to resist Germany was per- 
haps the most heroic act of the War, and he has emerged 
from his tremendous ordeal with world-wide prestige and un- 

269 



Mr. PuncUs History of the Great War 



abated distaste for the limelight. The liberation and resurrec- 
tion of Belgium and Serbia have been two of the most splendid 
outcomes of the World War, as the debacle in Russia and the 
martyrdom of Armenia have been its greatest tragedies. 

Parliament has been seen at its best and worst. When the 
Prime Minister rose in the House on the afternoon of the nth 
to announce the terms of the Armistice signed at 5 a.m. that 
morning, members from nearly all parts of the House rose 
to acclaim him. Even "the ranks of Tuscany " on the front 
Opposition bench joined in the general cheering. Only Mr. 
Dillon and his half-dozen supporters remained moody and 
silent, and when Mr. Speaker, in his gold-embroidered joy- 
robes, headed a great procession to St. Margaret's Church, 
and the ex-Premier and his successor — the man who drew the 
sword of Britain in the war for freedom and the man whose 
good fortune it has been to replace it in the sheath — fell in 
side by side, behind them walked the representatives of every 
party save one. Mr. Dillon and his associates had more urgent 
business in one of the side lobbies — to consider, perhaps, why 
Lord Grey of Fallodon, in his eve-of-war speech, had referred 
to Ireland as "the one bright spot." This Irish aloofness is 
wondrously illustrated by the Sunday Independent of Dublin, 
which, in its issue of November 10, spoke of a racing event as 
the only redeeming feature of "an unutterably dull week." We 
have to thank Mr. Dillon, however, for unintentionally enliven- 
ing the dulness of the discussion on the relations of Lord North- 
cliffe to the Ministry of Information and his forecast of the 
peace terms. Mr. Baldwin, for the Government, while en- 
deavouring to allay the curiosity of members, said that 
"Napoleons will be Napoleons." Mr. Dillon seemed to desire 
the appointment of a "Northcliffe Controller," but that is 
impracticable. All our bravest men are too busy to take on the 
job. Better still was the pointed query of Lord Henry Bentinck, 
"Is it not possible to take Lord Northcliffe a little too 
seriously ? " But there are other problems to which the 
House has been addressing itself with a justifiable seriousness — 
"Dora" and demobilisation, the shortage of food and coal, 
and the question how at the same time we are to provide for 
the outlay of coals of fire and feed the Huns and not the guns. 

270 



England and the Armistice 



And how has England taken the news ? In the main soberly 
and in a spirit of infinite thankfulness, though in too many 
thousands of homes the loss of our splendid, noble and gallant 
sons — alas ! so often only sons — who made victory possible 
by the gift of their lives, has made rejoicing impossible for 
those who are left to mourn them. Yet there is consolation in 
the knowledge that if they had lived to extreme old age 
they could never have made a nobler thing of their lives. 
Shakespeare, who "has always been there before," wrote the 




ARMISTICE DAY 

Small Child (excitedly) : " Oh, Mother, what do you think ? They've given 
us a whole holiday to-day in aid of the war." 

epitaph of those who fell in France when he spoke of one 

who gave 

His body to that pleasant country's earth, 
And his pure soul unto his captain, Christ, 
Under whose colours he had fought so long. 

And it is a source of unspeakable joy that our children 
are safe. For though to most of them their ignorance has been 
bliss, they have not escaped the horrors of a war in which 
non-combatants have suffered worse than ever before. Only 

271 



Mr. Punch's History of the Great War 



the healing hand of time can allay the grief of those for whom 
there can be no reunion on earth with their nearest and dearest :"] 

At last the dawn creeps in with golden fingers 
Seeking my eyes, to bid them open wide 

Upon a world at peace, where Sweetness lingers, 
Where Terror is at rest and Hate has died. 

Loud soon shall sound a paean of thanksgiving 
From happy women, welcoming their men, 

Life born anew of joy to see them living. 
Mother of Pity, what shall I do then? 

Of the people at large Mr. Punch cannot better the praise 
of one, the late Mr. Henry James, who was nothing if not 
critical, and who proved his love of England by adopting her 
citizenship in the darkest hour of her need: "They were about 
as good, above all, when it came to the stress, as could well 
be expected of people. They didn't know how good they were," 
and if they lacked imagination they stimulated it immensely 
in others. 

Apart from some effervescence in the great cities, Armistice 
Day was celebrated without exultation or extravagance. In 
one village that we know of the church bells were rung by 
women. In London our deliverance was to many people 
marked in the most dramatic way by the breaking of his long 
silence by Big Ben : 

Gone are the days when sleep alone could break 

War's grim and tyrannous spells ; 
Now it is rest and joy to lie awake 

And listen to the bells. 

So the Great War ended. But there yet remained the most 
dramatic episode of all — the surrender of the German Fleet 
to Admiral Beatty at Scapa Flow — a surrender unprecedented 
in naval history, a great victory won without striking a blow, 
which yet brought no joy to our Grand Fleet. For our admirals 
and captains and bluejackets felt that the Germans had smirched 
the glory of the fighting men of the sea, hitherto maintained 
in untarnished splendour by all vanquished captains from the 
days of Carthage to those of Cervera and Cradock. 

272 




IN HONOUR OF THE BRITISH NAVY 

To commemorate the surrender of the German Fleet 



273 



EPILOGUE 

IT remains to trace in brief retrospect the record of "the 
months between " — a period of test and trial almost as 
severe as that of the War. 

Having steadfastly declined the solution of a Peace without 
Victory, the Allies entered last November on the transitional 
period of Victory without Peace. The fighting was ended in 
the main theatres of war, the Kaiser and Crown Prince, dis- 
crowned and discredited, had sought refuge in exile, the great 
German War machine had been smashed, and demobilisation 
began at a rate which led to inevitable congestion and dis- 
appointment. The prosaic village blacksmith was not far out 
when, in reply to the vicar's pious hope that the time had come 
to beat our sword into a ploughshare, he observed, "Well, I 
don't know, sir. Speaking as a blacksmith of forty-five years' 
experience, I may tell you it can't be done." "The whole 
position is provisional," said the Times at the end of November. 
If Germany, Austria, and Russia were to be fed, how was it 
to be done without disregarding the prior claims of Serbia and 
Roumania? Even at home the food question still continued to 
agitate the public mind. 

The General Election of December, 1918, which followed 
the dissolution of the longest Parliament since the days of 
Charles II., was a striking, if temporary proof, of the persistence 
of the rationing principle. It proved a triumph for the Coali- 
tion "Coupon" and for Mr. Lloyd George; the extremists 
and Pacificists were snowed under; Mr. Asquith was rejected 
and his followers reduced to a mere handful ; Labour came back 
with an increased representation, though not as great as it 
desired or deserved. The triumph of the irreconcilables in 
Ireland was a foregone but sinister conclusion to their activities 
in the War, and an ominous prelude to their subsequent efforts 
to wreck the Peace. The pledges in regard to indemnities, the 

275 



Epilogue 



treatment of the Kaiser, and conscription so lavishly given by 
the Coalition Leaders caused no little misgiving at the time, 
and pledges, like curses, have an awkward way of coming home 
to roost. Mr. Punch's views on the Kaiser, expressed in his 




"Don't you^think we ought to hang the Kaiser, Mrs. 'Arris?" 
" It ain't the Kaiser I'm worrying about — it's the bloke what interjuiced 
this war-bacon." 

Christmas Epilogue, are worth recalling. Mr. Punch did not 
clamour for the death penalty, or wish to hand him over to 
the tender mercies of German Kultur. "The only fault he 
committed in German eyes is that he lost the War, and I 
wouldn't have him punished for the wrong offence — for some- 
thing, indeed, which was our doing as much as his. No, I 
think I would just put him out of the way of doing further 
harm, in some distant penitentiary like the Devil's Island, and 
leave him to himself to think it all over; as Caponsacchi said 
of Guido in ' The Ring and the Book ' : 

Not to die so much as slide out of life, 

Pushed by the general horror and common hate 

Low, lower — left o' the very edge of things." 

Christmas, 1918, was more than "the Children's Truce." 

276 



Epilogue 



Our bugles had "sung truce," the war cloud had lifted, the 
invaded sky was once more free of "the grim geometry of 
Mars," and though very few households could celebrate the 
greatest of anniversaries with unbroken ranks, the mercy of 




REUNITED 

Strasbourg, December 8th, 1918. 



reunion was granted to many homes. Yet Mr. Punch, in his 
Christmas musings on the solemn memory of the dead who 
gave us this hour, could not but realise the greatness of the task 
that lay before us if we were to make our country worthy of 
the men who fought and died for her. The War was over, 
but another had yet to be waged against poverty and sordid 
environment; against the disabilities of birth; against the abuse 

277 



Epilogue 



of wealth ; against the mutual suspicions of Capital and 
Labour; against sloth, indifference, self-complacency, and 
short memories. 

So the Old Year passed, the last of a terrible quinquen- 
nium, bringing grounds for thankfulness and hope along with 
the promise of unrest and upheaval :" with Alsace-Lorraine 
reunited to France, with the British army holding its Watch 
on the Rhine, and with all eyes fixed on Paris, the scene of 
the Peace Conference, already invaded by an international army 
of delegates, experts, advisers, secretaries, typists, 500 American 
journalists, and President Wilson. 

Great Expectations and their Tardy Fulfilment, thus in head- 
line fashion might one summarise the story of 1919, with Peace, 
the world's desire, waiting for months outside the door of the 
Conference Chamber, with civil war in Germany, Berlin 
bombed by German airmen, and anarchy in Russia, and here 
at home impatience and discomfort, aggravated in the earlier 
months by strikes and influenza, the largely increased numbers 
of unemployed politicians, the weariest and dreariest of winter 
weather. 

Yet even January had its alleviations in the return of the 
banana, the prospect of unlimited lard, a distinct improve- 
ment in the manners of the retail tradesman, the typographical 
fireworks of the Times in honour of President Wilson, and the 
retreat of Lord Northcliffe to the sunny south. Lovers of 
sensation were conciliated by the appointment of "F.E." to the 
Lord Chancellorship, the outbreak of Jazz, and the discovery of 
a French author that the plays usually attributed to Shakespeare 
were written by Lord Derby, though not apparently the present 
holder of the title. The loss, through rejection or withdrawal, 
of so many of his old Parliamentary puppets was a serious blow 
to Mr. Punch, but the old Liberals, buried like the Babes in the 
Wood beneath a shower of Coalition coupons, already showed 
a sanguine spirit, and the departure of the freaks could be con- 
templated with resignation. The. great Exodus to Paris began 
in December, but it reached its height in January. The mystery 
of the Foreign Office official who had not gone was cleared up 
by the discovery that he was the caretaker, a pivotal man who 
could not be demobilised. Another exodus of a less desirable 

278 




RECONSTRUCTION : A NEW YEAR'S TASK 



2 79 



Epilogue 



sort was that of the Sinn Fein prisoners, which gave rise to the 
rumour that the Lord Lieutenant had threatened that if they 
destroyed any more jails they would be rigorously released. 
Sinn Fein, which refused to fight Germany, had already begun 
to play at a new sort of war. Australia was preparing to welcome 
the homing transports sped with messages of Godspeed from the 
Motherland : 

Rich reward your hearts shall hold, 

None less dear if long delayed, 
For with gifts of wattle-gold 

Shall your country's debt be paid ; 
From her sunlight's golden store 
She shall heal your hurts of war. 

Ere the mantling Channel's mist 
Dim your distant decks and spars, 

And your flag that victory kissed 
And Valhalla hung with stars — 

Crowd and watch our signal fly : 

" Gallant hearts, good-bye ! Good-bye ! " 

February, a month of comparative anti-climax, witnessed 
the reassembling of Parliament, fuller than ever of members if 
not of wisdom. As none of the Sinn Feiners were present, nor 
indeed any representative of Irish Nationalism, the proceedings 
were as orderly as a Quaker's funeral, save for the arrival of one 
member on a motor-scooter. Perhaps the most interesting in- 
formation elicited during the debates was this — that every ques- 
tion put down costs the tax-payer a guinea. On February 20th 
there were 282 on the Order Paper, and Mr. Punch was moved 
to wonder whether this cascade of curiosity might be abated if 
every questionist were obliged to contribute half the cost, the 
amount to be deducted from his official salary. The Speaker, 
the greatest of living Parliamentarians, was re-elected by 
acclamation. Though human and humorous, he has grown into 
something almost more like an institution than a man, like Big 
Ben, that great patriot and public servant who never struck 
during the war. The best news in February was that of M. 
Clemenceau's escape, though wounded, from the Anarchist 
assassin who had attempted to translate Trotsky's threat into 

280 




THE 1919 MODEL 

Mr. Punch : " They've given you a fine new machine, Mr. 
Premier, and you've got plenty of spirit, but look out for bumps." 



281 



Epilogue 



action. But it did not help on the proposed Conference with the 
Russians at Prinkipo or encourage the prospect of any tangible 
results from the deliberation of the Prinkipotentiaries. The 
plain man could see no third choice beyond supporting Bol- 
shevism or anti-Bolshevism. But according to our Prime 
Minister, we were committed to a compromise. The Allies were 




" How was it you never let your mother know you'd won the V.C. } " 
" It wasna ma turrn tae write." 

not prepared to intervene in force, and they could not leave 
Russia to stew in her own hell-broth. Meanwhile the chief 
criminal, Germany, had begun to utter ad misericordiam 
appeals for the relaxation of the Armistice terms on the score 
of their cruelty ; and Count Brockdorff-Rantzau gave us a fore- 
taste of his quality by declaring that "Germany cannot be 
treated as a second-rate nation." 

282 




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283 



Epilogue 



At home, though the rays of "sweet unrationed revelry " 
were still to come, and Dulce Domum could not yet be sung in 
every sense, February brought us some relief in the de- 
mobilisation of the pivotal pig. And the decision to hold a 
National Industrial Conference was of encouraging augury 
for the settlement of industrial strife on the basis of a full 
inquiry and frank statement of facts. In other walks of life 
reticence still has its charms, and even in February people had 
begun to ask who the General was who had threatened not 
to write a book about the War. 

March, the mad month, remained true to type. Even Mr. 
Punch found it hard to preserve his equanimity : 

O Month, before your final moon is set 

Much may have happened — anything, in fact; 
More than in any March that I have met 

(Last year excepted) fearful nerves are racked; 
Anarchy does with Russia what it likes; 

Paris is put conundrums very knotty ; 
And here in England, with its talk of strikes, 

Men, like your own March hares, seem going dotty. 

Abroad the ex-Kaiser was very busy sawing trees, possibly 
owing to an hallucination that they were German Generals. 

At home the Government decided to release such of the Sinn 
Fein prisoners as had not already saved them the trouble, and 
a Coal Industry Commission was appointed on which no repre- 
sentative of the general public was invited to sit — that is to say, 
the patient, much enduring consumer, not the public which has 
all along sought to discount peace by premature whooping, 
jubilating, and Jazzing. For the Dove of Peace, though in 
strict training, seemed in danger of collapsing under the weight 
of the League of Nations' olive bough, to say nothing of other 
perils, notably the Bolshy-bird, a most obscene brand of vulture. 

Mr. Wilson was once more on the Atlantic, and Mr. Lloyd 
George, distracted between his duties in Paris and the demands 
of Labour, recalled Sir Boyle Roche's bird, or the circus per- 
former riding two horses at once. In Parliament the interpreta- 
tion of election pledges occupied a good deal of time, and Mr. 
Bonar Law twice declared the policy of the Government in 

284 




THE EASTER OFFERING 

Mr. Lloyd George (fresh from Paris) : " I don't say it's a 
perfect egg, but parts of it, as the saying is, are excellent." 



285 



Epilogue 



regard to indemnities as being to demand the largest amount 
that Germany could pay, but not to demand what we knew she 
couldn't gay. It would have saved him a great deal of trouble 
if at the General Election the Government spokesmen had 
insisted as much upon the second half of the policy as they did 
on the first. Earnest appeals for economy were made from the 




OVERWEIGHTED 

President Wilson : " Here's your olive branch. Now get busy." 
Dove of Peace : " Of course, I want to please everybody, but isn't this a 
bit thick ? " 



Treasury Bench on the occasion of the debate on the Civil 
Service Estimates, now swollen to five times their pre-war 
magnitude, and were heartily applauded by the House. To 
show how thoroughly they had gone home, Mr. Adamson, the 
Labour Leader, immediately pressed for an increase in the 
salaries of Members of Parliament. 

286 



Epilogue 



On the Rhine the efforts of our army of occupation to 
present the stern and forbidding air supposed to mark our 
dealings with the inhabitants were proving a lamentable failure. 
You can't produce a really good imitation of a Hun without 
lots of practice. Gloating is entirely foreign to the nature of 




HOW TO BRIGHTEN THE PERIOD OF REACTION 

MOTHER (to son who has fought on most of the Fronts) : " Don't you 
know what to do with yourself, George ? Why don't you 'ave a walk down 
the road, dear ? " 

Father: "Ah, 'e ain't seen the corner where they pulled down Sim- 
mondses' fish-shop, 'as 'e, Ma ? " 



Thomas Atkins, and he could not pass a child yelling in the 
gutter without stooping to comfort it. At home his education 
was proceeding on different lines. The period of reaction had 
set in, and unwonted exertions were necessary to stimulate his 
interest. Such artless devices were, however, preferable to the 
pastime, already fashionable in more exalted circles, of kicking 
a total stranger round the room to the accompaniment of 
cymbals, a motor siren, and a frying pan. 

287 



Rpilogtte 



After a month of madness it was not to be wondered at that 
we should have a month of muzzling, though the enforcement 
of the order might have been profitably extended from dogs 
to journalists. The secrecy maintained by the Big Four — a 
phrase invented by 'America — the conflict of the idealists with 
the realists, and the temporary break-away of the Italian 
wrestler, Orlando, were bound to excite comment. But a 
shattered world could not be rebuilt in a day, with Bolshevist 
wolves prowling about the Temple of Peace, and the Dove at 
sea between the Ark and Archangel. The Covenant of the 
League of Nations, though in a diluted form, had at last taken 
shape, the Peace Machine had got a move on, and the Premier's 
spirited, if not very dignified, retaliation on the newspaper 
snipers led to an abatement of unnecessary hostilities, though the 
pastime of shooting policemen with comparative impunity still 
flourished in Ireland, and the numbers and cost of our "army 
of inoccupation " still continued to increase. Innumerable 
queries were made in Parliament on the subject of the un- 
employment dole, but the announcement that the Admiralty did 
not propose to perpetuate the title " Grand Fleet " for the 
principal squadron of His Majesty's Navy passed without 
comment. The Grand Fleet is now a part of the History that 
it did so much to make. 

May and June were "hectic" months, in which the reaction 
from the fatigues and restraints of War found vent in an 
increased disinclination for work, encouraged by a tropical sun. 
These were the months of the resumption of cricket, the Victory 
Derby, the flood of honours, and the flying of the Atlantic, 
with a greater display of popular enthusiasm over the gallant 
airmen who failed in that feat than over the generals who had 
won the War. They were also the months of the duel between 
Mr. Smillie and the Dukes, the discovery of oil in Derbyshire, 
the privileged excursion into War polemics of Lord French, 
unrest in Egypt, renewed trouble with the police, and a 
shortage of beer, boots and clothes. 

But though the Big Four had been temporarily reduced to 
a Big Three by Italy's withdrawal, and though M. Clemenceau, 
Mr. Lloyd George, and President Wilson had all suffered in 
prestige by the slow progress of the negotiations, Versailles, 

288 



•iaHP 




"END OF A PERFECT 'TAG.'" 



289 



Eftilogtie 



with the advent of the German delegates, more than ever riveted 
the gaze of an expectant world. To sign or not to sign, or, in the 
words of Wilhelm' Shakespeare, Sein oder nicht sein: hier ist 
die Frage — that was the problem which from the moment of his 
famous opening speech Count Brockdorff-Rantzau was up 
against. But, as the days wore on, in spite of official impeni- 
tence and the double breach of the Armistice terms by the 
scuttling of the German war-ships at Scapa and the burning 
of the French flags at Berlin, the force of "fierce reluctant 
truculent delay " was spent against the steadily growing volume 
of national acquiescence, culminating in the decision of the 
Weimar Assembly, the tardy choice of new delegates, and the 
final scene in the Hall of Mirrors, haunted by the ghosts 
of 187 I. 

Writing at the moment of the Signature of Peace and in 
deep thankfulness for the relief it brings to a stricken world, Mr. 
Punch is too old to jazz for joy, but he is young enough to face 
the future with a reasoned optimism, born of a belief in his race 
and their heroic achievements in these great and terrible years. 
Victory took us by surprise; and we were less prepared for 
Peace at that moment than we had ever been for War. And 
just as in the first days of the fighting we went astray, running 
after the cry "Business as usual," so to-day we are making as 
bad a mistake when we run after " Pleasure as usual " — or rather 
more than usual. But we soon revised that early error, and we 
shall not waste much time about revising this. For though we 
lacked imagination then, and still lack it, we have the gift, 
perhaps even more useful if less showy, of commonsense. And 
when commonsense is found in natures that are honest and 
hearts that are clean, it may make mistakes, but not for long. 
No, the spirit which won the War is not going to fail us at this 
second call. Perhaps we have only been waiting for the actual 
coming of Peace to settle down to our new and greater task. 

But let us never forget the debt, unpaid and unpayable, to 
our immortal dead and to the valiant survivors of the great 
conflict, to whom we owe freedom and security and the 
possibility of a better and cleaner world. 



290 




GHOSTS AT VERSAILLES 



291 



INDEX 



"According to plan," 243 

Admirals, retired, accept commissions 

in R.N.R., 150 
Admiralty and Zeebrugge despatches, 

230 
Africa, German South-West, Botha 

makes clean sweep in, 43 
After one Year, 49 
Airmen, Allied 

Bombard Karlsruhe, 39 

German, increased activity of, 140 
Air Raids 

Daylight, extend to London, 160 

Public to be warned, 166 
Aisne, Battle of, 5 
Alarming spread of bobbing, 251 
Albert, King of Belgium 

Tribute to, 269 

Victorious on Flanders coast, 256 
Allenby, General 

Advances steadily, 180 

Captures Damascus, 248 

Enters Jerusalem, 190 
Allied Council, new, formed, 186 
Allotment workers, 226 
Alsace-Lorraine reunited to France, 

278 
Also Ran, 141 
America 

Enters War, 145 

War of Notes, 50 
American, an, interviews German 

Crown Prince, 114 
American Troops 

Enter firing line, 207 

First land in France, 158 
Ammunition expended round Neuve 

Chapelle, 32 
Amundsen, Roald, prepares for trip 

to North Pole, 180 
Ancre, British push extends to, 119 
Anglia, East, air-raids in, 28 
Antwerp, Fall of, 10 
Anzac, British heroism at, 50 
Armenia, martyrdom of, 270 
Armentieres, Germans break through 

at, 213 
Armistice 

Big Ben breaks silence, 272 

How England took news of, 272 

Signed, 265 

Women ring church bells, 272 



Armistice Day, 271 

Army Signalling Alphabet, 139 

Asquith, Mt. 

Ceases to be Prime Minister, 124 

Discusses new Votes of Credit, 80 

Goes to Ireland, 90 

Promises to purge Peerage of Enemy 
Dukes, 105 

Recants hostility to Women's suf- 
frage, 148 

Rejected at General Election, 275 
Athens, riot in, 128 
" Au Revoir ! " xi 
Austria 

Defeated by Servia, 20 

Defeated on Italian front, 229 

Gives in, 264 

Issues Peace Note, 251 

Sues for Peace, 257 

Threatens Roumania, 20 
Austrians driven from Belgrade, 

15 

Australians, valour of, 65 



Bad Dream, A, 153 

Baghdad, taken by British, 139 

BaMouT, Mr. 

Appointed First Lord, 39 

Returns from U.S.A., 161 
Balkans, irrelevant news from, 64 
Banana, return of the, 278 
Bapaume 

Germans take, 207 

Recaptured by Allies, 242 
Beatty, Admiral, German Fleet sur- 
renders to, 272 
Belgium 

Opposes German invasion, 2 

Resurrection of, 270 
Belgrade occupied by enemy, 57 
Bennett, Mr. Arnold, appointed Direc- 
tor of Propaganda, 262 
Berlin 

Bombed, 278 

French flags burnt at, 290 

Revolution breaks out, 264 

Strikes in, suppressed, 202 
Bernstorff, Count 

Mendacity of, 23 

Promotes strikes in U.S.A., 52 
Best Smell of All, the, 234 



293 



Index 



Bethmann-Hollweg, dismissed, 164 

Betrayed, 191 

Big Four's secrecy, 288 

Big Push, The, 103 

Billing, Mr. Pemberton 

Elected for Mid-Herts, 80 

Offers to Taid enemy aircraft bases, 
86 

Suspended from House of Commons, 

2 39 
Birdwood, General, 267 
Birrell, Mr., apologia of, 90 
Bismarck, Prince, 31 
Bissing, Baron von, 
Reported dead, 148 
Retires from Belgium, 130 
Bloaters, unprecedented price of, 194 
Bliicher, the, sunk by British, 24 
Blume, General von, depreciates 

American intervention, 168 
Boat-race, Oxford and Cambridge, 

suspended, 30 
Bobbing, Alarming spread of, 251 
Bordeaux, Paris Government removed 

to, 5 
Botha, General 
Enters War, 6 
Makes clean sweep in S.W. Africa, 

43 
Bottomley, Mr. Horatio, visits France, 

Bravo, Belgium, 3 
Brazil enters War, 158 
Bread, curtailment of, 151 
Brest-Litovsk 

Conference, 190 

Taken by enemy, 47 

Treaty signed, 202 
British Expeditionary Force Lands in 

France, 1 
Brockdorff-Rantzau, Count, 290 
Bruges, reoccupied by Allies, 256 
Brusiloff, General 

Opens new Russian offensive, 163 

Successful against Austrians, 94 
Brussels. 

Fall of, 2 

Murder of Edith Cavell at, 60 
Buckmaster, Lord, appointed Lord 

Chancellor, 42 
Bukarest, fall of, 124 
Bulgaria surrenders, 248 
Bulgarians smashed by Allies, 248 
Bull-dog Breed, the, 11 
Bungalows, Government, increase of, 

120 
Burns, Mr. John, re-emerges, 101 
Byng, General, 267 

Victory at Cambrai, 186 
Byron, Lord, and Greece, 57 
By special request, 211 



Cabinet pool salaries, 40 

Cadet battalions housed in colleges, 

Caligny, Americans at, 222 
Callousness of smart people, 184 
Cambrai 

Byng's victory at, 186 

Recaptured by Allies, 256 
Cambridge, Cadet battalions at, 254 
Camouflage, new art of, 176 
Caporetto, enemy break through at, 

180 
" Captain of Koepenick " reported 

dead, 212 
Carson, Sir Edward 

Pays tribute to Major Redmond, 161 

Resigns Office, 58 
Casement, Sir Roger, and German 

Kaiser, 24 
Castlenau, General, 266 
Casualties, British, 24 
Cavell, Edith 

Murder of, 60 

Names of her principal assassins, 
60 
Cecil, Lord Robert, appointed 

Minister of Blockade, 82 
Celestial Dud, the, 227 
Censorship and War Correspondents, 

8 
Challenge, the, 75 
Chamberlain, Mr. Austen, resigns 

office, 166 
Champagne, French offensive at, 57 
Chemin des Dames, Germans capture, 

220 
Children of Consolation, 200 
Children's Peace, 17 
China, food prices in, 194 
Christmas 

Musings, Punch's, 276 

Truce and fraternisation, 20 
Church bells requisitioned, 238 
Churchill, Mr. Winston 

Appointed Minister of Munitions, 

*73 

Dardanelles expedition, 28 

Paints landscapes, 50 

Rejoins his regiment, 61 

Resigns Duchy of Lancaster, 61 

Retires to Duchy of Lancaster, 39 
Civilian, the, and the War Office, 201 
Civil Service Estimates, 286 
Clemen ceau, M. 

Attempted assassination of, 280 

Tribute to, 266 
Clyde, labour troubles on the, 70 
Coal Commission appointed, 284 
Coalition Government 

Formed, 36 

Leaders' pledges, 275 



294 



Index 



Coalitionists triumph at General Elec- 
tion, 275 
Coat that didn't come off, the, 212 
Cologne, Archbishop of, and the 

Kaiser, 50 
Combles taken by Allies, no 
Coming Army, the, 214 
Commission 

To inquire into Dardanelles expedi- 
tion, 100 

To inquire into Mesopotamian ex- 
pedition, 100 
" Complete accord," 228 
Compulsory rationing a fact, 211 
Comrades in Victory, 116 
Conscientious Objectors in Non-com- 
batant Corps, 198 
Constables, special, guard King's 

highway, 58 
Constantine, King of Greece 

Abdicates, 158 

Contemplates abdication, 153 

Forms Cabinet of Professors, 120 

Mr. Asquith's appeal to, 114 

To receive ^20,000 a year, 168 

Treated tenderly, 128 
Contemptibles, the old, 261 
Corn Production Bill, 151 
Coronel avenged, 15 
Correspondents, Mr. Punch's, 22, 51, 

64, 112 
Cradock, Admiral, 12 
Crank, Whip's definition of a, 225 
Craonne taken by French, 152 
" Credibility index," 19 
Crown Prince, German 

American interviews, 18 

Common brigand, a, 5 

Has misgivings, 148 

In exile, 274 
Cuba declares war on Austria, 190 
CufHey, Zeppelin brought down at, 
no 



Daily Mail, candour of, 73 

Daily News and Punch, 225 

Daily Telegraph, Lord Lansdowne's 

letter to, 192 
Damascus, captured by Allies, 248 
Dance of Death, the, 181 
Danube, Serbians reach the, 257 
Dardanelles Commission, 142 
Dawn of Doubt, the, 129 
Daylight Saving, 26 

Bill passed, 88 
Death Lord, the, 215 
Debeney, General, 266 

Praises Americans, 222 
Defence of the Realm Act, 123 
(De)merit, the reward of, ix 



Demobilisation commences, 275 
Derby, Lord 

Director of Recruiting, 61 

Minister of War, 163 
Dernburg, Dr., his picture ef German 

innocents, 182 
Deutschland, German submarine, ex- 
ploits of, 99 
DevonpoTt, Lord 

Appointed Food Controller, 127 

Approves new dietary for prisoners, 

144 
Retires as Food Controller, 163 
Diary — 

1914, August, 1 
September, 5 
October, 10 
November, n 
December, 15 

1915, January, 20 
February, 24 
March, 26 
April, 31 
May, 34 
June, 39 

July, 43 
August, 47 
September, 52 
October, 57 
November, 61 
December, 65 

1916, January, 6.9 
February, 74 
March, 78 
April, 83 
May, 88 
June, 92 

J^y» 97 

August, 102 
September, 109 
October, 112 
November, 118 
December, 124 

191 7, January, 128 
February, 134 
March, 139 
April, 145 
May, 151 
June, 158 
July, 163 
August, 168 
September, 174 
October, 180 
November, 1S6 
December, 190 

191S, January, 195 
February, 202 
March, 207 
April, 213 
May, 220 
June, 226 



295 



Index 



Diary — 1918 (contd.) 
July, 236 
August, 2.42 
September, 248 
October, 256 
November, 264 
Die Nacht am Rhein, 259 
Dogger Bank, 48 

German reverse off, 24 
Domestic servant's philosophy, 132 
Dominions, loyalty of, 268 
Douai regained by Allies, 256 
Drake's Way, 217 
Drocourt-Queant switchline breached 

by Allies, 248 
Dud, the, 224 
Duke, Mr., retires from Irish Chief 

Secretaryship, 223 
Dumba, Dr., promotes strikes in 

U.S.A., 52 
Dunraven, Lord, excuses Irishmen, 

216 
Dynastic Amenities, 149 

Easter offering, the, 285 

Economy, appeals for, 286 

Editor of the Vorwarts arrested, 108 

Education Bill 
. Second reading of, 211 
Lord Haldane lectures on, 101 

Ekaterinburg, Ex-Tsar and family 
murdered at, 238 

Emden sunk by the Sydney, 12 

Emmas, the two, 251 

Empire, indispensable in winning 
War, 267 

End of a perfect " Tag," 291 

England 
Tribute to, by New York Life, 74 
War could not have been won with- 
out, 266 

Enver Pasha goes to Medina, 78 

Epilogue, 275 

Erzerum falls to Russians, 74 

Euphemists, 47 

Excursionist, the, 13 

Exile, the Irish, 260 

"F. E." appointed Lord Chancellor, 
278 

Falaba, the, sunk by German sub- 
marine, 32 

Falkland Islands, 48 
Battle of, 15 

Farmer and Farm Labourer, 253 

Far-reaching effect of the Russian 
Push, the, 95 

Ferdinand, King of Bulgaria 
Abdicates, 257 
Declares war on Serbia, 57 



Ferdinand, King of Bulgaria (contd.) 

Goes to Vienna, 251 

Inscrutability of, 52 
Fidgety Wilhehn, the story of, xii 
Fifth British Army, Germans break 

through, 207 
Final, the, 267 

Fisher, Lord, will not give explana- 
tions, 61 
Fisher, Mr., eulogised, 211 
Flag days, 43 
Flanders coast evacuated by Germans, 

256 
Fleet, German, surrenders, 272 
Flight that failed, 21 
Flying of the Atlantic, 288 
Foch, General 

Appointed Generalissimo of Allied 
Forces, 213 

Arranges Armistice, 264 

Made a G.C.B., 16 

Receives German envoys, 264 

Tribute to, 265 
Food at the Front, 206 

Control, public for, 120 

Production, urgency for increased, 

Question discussed in Parliament, 

204 
Question in Germany, 23 
Restriction, 144 
Stocks increasing, 174 
Ford, Mr. Henry 
OffeT9 his works to American 

authorities, 134 
Visits Europe, 66 
For Neutrals — For Natives, 71 
Fort Douaumont falls, 74 
Fourth of July celebrated in France, 

241 
France, destruction and desolation of, 

M5 
France's Day, 236 
Franchet d'Esperey, General, 266 
Francis Joseph, Emperor, dies, 118 
French, General 
Appointed Viceroy of Ireland, 223 
His "contemptible little army," 2 
Relinquishes his command, 66 
Responsible for Home Defence 
against enemy aircraft, 77 
Fryatt, Captain, murder of, 105 
Funchal, U-boats busy at, 196 



Gaiety art; military hospitals, 87 
Gallipoli, 268 

Allies land in, 32 

Casualties in, 46 

Complete evacuation of, 65, 70 

Discomforts of, 42 



296 



Index 



Garibaldi still an animating force in 

Italy, 36 
Gaul to the New Caesar, viii 
Gaza taken by British, 186 
Geddes, Sir Eric 

Defends Admiralty, 188 

First Lord, 188 
General Election, 275 
General Janvier, 20 
Geography taught by War, 200 
George, Mr. Lloyd 

Appointed Minister of Munitions, 
40 

Defines British policy, 114 

Deputed to confer with Irish leaders, 
90 

Expounds plan for Irish Convention, 

*54 

Prime Minister, 124 
Secretary for War, 105 
Suffers in prestige, 288 
Triumph of, 275 
Warns peacemongers, 245 
George, King of England 

Abolishes German titles held by 

family, 162 
His House to be known as Windsor, 

Sets a fine example, 269 

Visits Front, 16 
Gerard, Mr., Reminiscences of, 170 
German 

" Frightfulness," 32 

General Staff and set-backs, 18 

Substitutes, 104 
Germany 

Campaign of Falsehood in, 228 

Civil War in, 278 

Fleet surrenders, 272 

" German Truth Society " founded, 

14 

Great mistake of, 268 

Hints to Italy, 28 

Ill-treats prisoners, 83 

Indulges in reprisals, 39 

Jealous of Lusitariia records, 34 

Laments over Allied blockade, 70 

Lunatics called up for service, 163 

Mutiny at Kiel, 180 

New Peace offensive, 228 

Old, contrasted, 178 

Peace overtures, 124 

Signs armistice, 265 

Signs peace, 290 

Sinks two hospital ships, 119 

Sprays British soldiers with flaming 

petrol, 28 
Squirts boiling pitch over Russians, 

28 
Torpedoes Neutral merchant ships, 

24 



Germany [contd.) 

Warns Punch, 40 
Ghosts at Versailles, 291 
God (and the Women) our shield, 7 
Goeben, disaster to the, 199 
Good Hope, H.M.S., sunk, 12 
Gothas, activities of, 199 
Gouraud, General, 266 
Governesses, English, revelations of, 

23 
Grandcourt, taken by British, 136 
Grand Fleet, ceaseless vigil of, 48 

Title, passes, 288 
Grapes of Verdun, the, 85 
Great incentive, a, 187 
Greece 

Dominated by pro-German Court, 

57 
Hampers Allies, 57 
Territory violated by Bulgarian 

troops, 94 
Ultimatum presented to, 114 
Greenwich time applied to Ireland, 

120 
Grey, Sir Edward 
Dissatisfied with Neutrals, 74 
Statements re France and Belgium, 
1 
Grimsby fishermen's fight, 28 
Guy Fawkes Day, no fireworks on, 123 
Gwynn, Capt., undertakes to raise 
Irish brigade, 239 



Haig, Sir Douglas 

Oommander-in-IChief of British 
Armies in France, 66 

Issues a Dispatch, 158 

Issues historic order, 213 
Haldane, Lord 

Debt to, for Territorials, 51 

Lectures on Education, 101 

Retires from Chancellorship, 40 
Hamlet, U.S.A., 35 
Hampshire, the, mined, 92 
Handyman, A, 55 
Hardin ge Report, Lords discuss the, 

100 
Harvest, a successful, 252 
Haunted ship, 33 
Havre, Belgian Government removed 

to, 10 
Hay, Ian, book by, 109 
Healy, Mr. Tim, champions Govern- 
ment, 80 
Heligoland Bight, 48 

Naval engagement in, 2 
Held ! 89 
Hemline, Erzberger's campaign 

against Chancellor, 229 
Hidden Hand, the, 38 



297 



Index 



Hindenburg, Marshal von 

Assumes command of Austrian 
troops, 104 

Presented with house, 263 

Retreats on Western Front, 139 
HindenbuTgitis, 119 
Hindenburg line breached, 248 
His latest, 154 
Home Front, the, 22 

Derby, Lord, most prominent man 
on, 80 

Drink, a dangerous enemy, 32 

Education of those on, 107 

Flower-beds sacrificed, 55 

Khaki weddings, 42 

London Police strike, 252 

Pessimists, cure for, 47 

Railway Travelling, discomforts of, 
184 

Trials of mistresses on, 19 
Hooge, British success at, 50 
Home, General, 267 
Hotels commandeered, 136 
House of Commons 

Attends church, 270 

Characteristics of, 34 
How to brighten the period of re- 
action, 287 
Hunding line, 146 
Hun to Hun, 236 

Hyde Park used for training troops, 
6 

India, " lonely soldiers " in, 107 

Indian troops, 16 

Infectious hornpipe, the, 143 

Influenza, Spanish, 241 

In honour of the British Navy, 273 

In Teserve, 250 

Inseparable, the, 177 

Invasion by sea, English Press fears, 

43 
Ireland 
Debate on, in Parliament, 117 
Dominates proceedings in Parlia- 
ment, 216 
Exempted from Military Service 

Bill, 70 
Greenwich time applied to, 120 
Insurrection in West of, 88 
Insurrectionist leaders executed, 88 
Irreconcilables triumph at General 

Election, 275 
Maxwell, Sir John, appointed to 

supreme command, 88 
Nationalists attack Sir John Max- 
well, 105 
Placed under martial law, 83 
Irish Convention, 154 
Exile, the, 260 
Harvest labourers, 260 



Italy 
Bainsizza plateau saved, 176 
Declares war on Austria, 36 
Push on the Isonzo, 104 



Jaffa, British in, 186 
James, Mr. Henry 

Adopts British nationality, 91 

Tribute to England by, 272 
Jazz, outbreak of, 278 
Jellicoe, Lord, retires from post of 

First Sea Lord, 190 
Jericho captured by Allies, 202 
Jerusalem captured by British, 190 
J off re, General, announces rolling 

back of enemy, 5 
John, Mr. Augustus, paints Mr. Lloyd 

George's portrait, 82 
Jones, Mr. Kennedy 

Declares beer a food, 162 

Resignation of, 174 
Journalists visit the Fleet, 72 
Jutland, Battle of, 92 



Kaiser, German 

Abdicates, 264 

Absent from Francis Joseph's 
funeral, 128 

Attila's understudy, 190 

Blasphemer and Hypocrite, 5 

Denies responsibility for War, 102 

Disappointed with Allah, 74 

Encourages war on non-combatants, 
20 

First War birthday, 23 

Flees to Holland, 264 

Foiled before Nancy, 10 

Has another grandson, 32 

Murderer of innocents, 23 

Orders blockade of England, 24 

Poses as friend of the people, 165 

Pro-Socialist, 154 

Punch's views on, 276 

Refrains from active participation in 
military operations, no 

Reprimands Prince Frederick Leo- 
pold of Prussia, 108 

Sorry for France, 58 

Speech to Eton College Volunteers, 
58 

Talks of his conscience, 130 
Kaiser, Ex-, saws trees, 284 
Karl, Emperor of Austria's sugges- 
tion re Alsace-Lorraine, 220 
Karlsruhe bombarded by Allied air- 
men, 39 
Kerensky, appointed head of Russian 
Provisional Government, 176 

Overthrown, 186 



29S 



Index 



Keyes, Admiral, locks up German 

submarines, 230 
Kiel, mutiny at, 264 
Kipling, Mr., 58 
Kitchener, Lord 

Asks for more men, 36 

Death of, 92 

Eulogies of, 94 

Gives frugal information to Lords, 
20 

Meets critics in Parliament, 92 

Obtains 1,000,000 men, 6 

Starts on the Hampshire for Russia, 
92 

War Minister, 1 
Kluck, General von, failure of, 20 
Kolnische Zeitung and Punch, 30 
Kuhlmann, von, fall of, 229 
Kultur, the reward of, 37 
Kut captured by British, 134 



Labour 

Demands of, 284 

Real voice of, 171 

Representation of, 275 

Troubles, 70 
Lansdowne, Lord, writes to Daily 

Telegrafh, 192 
Laon, recaptured by Allies, 256 
Last Throw, the, 135 
Law, Mr. Bonar 

Announces air-raid reprisals, 182 

Appointed Leader of the House, 126 

Declares policy re indemnities, 284 

Introduces Budget, 155 

Made Chancellor of the Exchequer, 
126 

Travels to France by aeroplane, 262 

Will not discuss military situation, 
258 
League of Nations takes shape, 288 
Leinster, the, sunk by Germans, 256 
Lenin 

Appearance of, 152 

Attempted assassination of, 251 

Installed as dictator, 186 
Liberators, the, 203 
Lichnowsky's disclosures, 213 
Li£ge, Fall of, 2 
Lies, German campaign of, 6 
Lighting Orders, enforcement of, 199 
Lille regained by Allies, 256 
Lissauer, Herr, decorated by Kaiser, 

16 
London, daylight air-raids extend to, 

160 
Lonely soldiers, 107 
Long, Mr. Walter, his remedy for 

carping criticism, 65 
Loos, fighting at, 57 



Lord Mayor's banquet simplified, 118 
Lost chief, the, 93 
Lost land, a, 179 
Louvain, sack of, 2 
Lovelace, the modern, 70 
Ludendorff resigns, 257 
Lusitania, the 

American victims, 34 

Sinking of, 34 
Luxuries, imports of, curtailed, 76 
Lynch, Colonel, undertakes to raise 
Irish brigade, 239 



MacCabean Boy Scouts, 200 
MacNeill, Mr. Swift 

Endeavours to purge peerage of 
enemy dukes, 86 

Resents setting up of War Cabinet, 

*37 
Made in Germany, 209 
Mangin, General, 266 
Manifesto of German artists and pro- 
fessors, 26 
Marine, Mercantile, tribute paid to, 

by Parliament, 74 
Marne 

German push to, 220 
Germans again hurled back across, 
236 
Mary, Queen of England, tribute to, 

269 
Massacres by Bolshevists, 202 
Maude, General 
Captures Kut, 134 
Death of, 186 
Maunoury, General, 266 
Maurice affair, the, 225 
Max, Burgomaster of Brussels, 10 
Max, Prince 
German Chancellor, 257 
Issues pacific manifesto, 257 
McKenna, Mr. 
Chancellor of Exchequer, 40 
Introduces Bill for raising War 
Loan, 40 
Meatless days, 128 
Men of forty-one wanted, 120 
Merchant ships 
Dutch, sunk by German submarine, 

140 
Neutral, torpedoed by German sub- 
marines, 24 
Mesopotamia, tide turning in, 134 
Messines Ridge captured, 158 
Michaelis, Dr. 
Appointed German Chancellor, 164 
Dismissed, 180 
Military Service Bill 
Becomes law, 74 
Ireland exempted from, 70 



299 



Index 



Milner, Lord, on misleading war 

news, 64 
Minesweepers, honour due to, 28 
Ministry of Munitions created, 40 
Missing, 184 
Mistresses, trials of, 19 
Monastir 

Fall of, 65, 70 

Recaptured by Serbians and French, 
119 
Monmouth, H.M.S., sunk, ia 
Mons 

British reach, 264 

Retreat from, 5 
Monte Sabotino captured by Italians, 

104 
Moon our enemy, 183 
Morning Hate, Prussian household 

having its, 27 
Mort Homme, carnage at, 74 
Mottoes and proverbs, 43, 128 
Mule humour, 81 

Muller, Captain, a chivalrous antago- 
nist, 15 
Munitions, smart people work at, 

56 
Museum, British, war spirit at, 31 
Museums, London, closed, 76 
Mutiny of sailors at Kiel, 180 
Muzzling Order, 288 



North Sea, U-boats active in, 28 
Novo-Georgievsk taken by enemy, 47 
Noyon recaptured by Allies, 242 



Officer, wounded, experiences of, 54 
Officers-, young, splendid record of, 

268 
Oil discovered in Derbyshire, 288 
Old Man of the Sea, 45 
Old-timer, the, 261 
Omen of 1908, 34 
On Earth — Peace, 16 
One up ! 188 
On the Black List, 40 
Opera by English composer produced, 

225 
Optimist, the, 170 
Order of British Empire, 233 
Orlando, Italian Statesman, 287 
Ostend 

Naval exploit at, 216 

Regained by Allies, 256 
O.T.C. and the Universities, 30 
Our Man, 266 
Our persevering officials, 157 
"Ourselves Alone," motto of Sinn 

Fein, 223 
Overweighted, 286 
Oxford, cadet battalions at, 254 



Namur, Fall of, 2 

Narrows, the, failure to get through, 

28 
National Industrial Conference, 284 
National Party, the new, 182 
National Registration Bill, second 

Reading of, 46 
National Thrift Campaign, 68 
Navy, its efficient work, 254 
Need of men, the, 193 
Neuve Chapelle captured by British, 

28 
New Armies 

Composition of, 24 

Education of, 105 

Training of, 232 
New Conductor, the, 126 
New Guinea taken by Allies, 74 
New language, the, 194 
Newmarket, racing stopped at, 154 
Newspaper readers, " credibility in- 
dex " for, 19 
Nicholas, Emperor of Russia 

Abdicates, 139 

Generalissimo of his armies, 52 
Nineteen-nineteen Model, the, 281 
Northcliffe, Lord, and his corre- 
spondence, 56 

Visits U.S.A., 161 



Pacificists 

Dilemma of, 210 

Impressed by Germany's lamenta- 
tions, 70 
Paris 

Exodus to, 278 

Peace Conference at, 278 

Shelled by long-distance gun, 213 
Parliament 

Assembles, 280 

Dissolution of, 274 

Extension of life of, 105 

Houses of, Stars and Stripes and 
Union Jack fly over, 145 
Passchendaele Ridge stormed by 

British, 186 
Peace 

Signed, 2.90 

The children's, 17 
Penny Postage gone, 224 
Perfect Innocence, 175 
P6ronne 

British enter, 145 

Fall of, 207 

Recovered by Allies, 248 
Persuading of Tino, the, 63 
P6tain, hero of Verdun, 266 
Piave, Italians cross the, 257 
Picture galleries, London, closed, 76 



300 



Index 



Pill-boxes, German, made of British] 

cement, 225 
Pitiful pose, a, 231 
Place in the moon, a, 183 
Place of Arms, a, 155 
Plain duty, a, 137 
Plumer, General 

Stands firm on the Piave, 186 
Victorious in Flanders, 256 
Poison gas, Germans use, 32 
Police, London, strike, 252 
Political truce, 42 
Politician who addressed the troops, 

the, 219 
Pommern, the, sunk by British, 43 
Portugal enters War, 78 
Posters 
And Publicity, 38 
And War Loans, 50 
Newspaper, absence of, 149 
Press 
Bureau, 46 

Campaign against Mr. Asquith, 126 
German, humours of, 47 
Prince of Wales 
Relief Fund, 4 
Takes his seat, 204 
Prinkipo, proposed conference at, 282 
Prisoner, British, sentenced for calling 

Germans " Huns," 189 
Prisoners 
German, arrive in Ireland, n 
German offer re, 120 
Propaganda, German, in United 

States, 26 
Prophecy 
An old Arab, 202 
Punch's, re Kaiser, 195 
Proportional Representation rejected, 

225 
Punch's 
Cartoons and the Kolnische Zeitung, 

Correspondents, 64, 152 



Queen Elizabeth, H.M.S., attacks in 

Dardanelles, 28 
Queries, futile, to wounded soldiers, 23 
Queues 

Disappear, 232 

For various commodities, 205 
" Queue War," 198 



Rabbit, the elusive, 198 
Raids by sea, 43 
Rasputin, sinister figure of, 139 
Rationing, compulsory, 189, 211 
Rawlinson, General, 267 
Realisation, 59 



Reconstruction, 279 
Recruit who took to it kindly, 133 
Recruiting, posters to aid, 38 
Redmond, Major William 
Falls in Flanders, 160 
Makes thrilling speech, 127 
Tribute to, in Commons, 160 
Redmond, Mr. John, death of, 210 
Reichstag not blind to facts, 180 
Rejuvenating effect of Zeppelins, 113 
Reprisals on German cities advocated, 

163 
Repudiation, the, 84 
Return of the Mock Tur tie-Dove, 125 
Reunited, 277 
Reventlow, Count, and the Kaiser, 

146 
Reward of Kultur, the, 37 
Rheims Cathedral bombarded, 8 
Rhine, British Army's watch on the, 

278 
Rhondda, Lord 
Appointed Food Controller, 163 
Death of, 240 
Richter, Dr. Hans, clamours for 

British extinction, 26 
Riga, Gulf of, German defeat in, 50 
Riga occupied by Germans, 174 
Rivers, French, find their voices, 242 
Roberts, Mr., Minister of Labour, 263 
Roberts, Lord 
Death of, 12 

Germans pay tribute to, 12 
His Teticence, 6 
Robertson, Sir William 
Accepts Eastern Command at home, 

204 
Appointed Chief of Staff, 66 
Displaced, 204 
Robinson, Lieutenant, brings down 

Zeppelin, no 
Roosevelt, Mr., invents new invective, 

69 
Roumania joins Allies, 104 
Royal Family, British, fine example 

of, 269 
Royal Flying Corps, 62 

Great losses of, 140 
Running amok, 25 
Rupprecht, Crown Prince, entertains 

journalists, 38 
Russia 
Army retreats, 42 
Bolshevist couf d'itat, 186 
Bolshevist regime stained with 

massacres, 202 
Collapses, 168 
Dark hour of, 169 
Debacle in, 270 
End of Tsardom, 139 
Ex-Tsar and family shot, 238 



301 



Index 



Russia (contd.) 
Provisional Government dissolved, 

175 
Recovering herself, 174 
Republic proclaimed, 175 
Russian Army said to have passed 
through England, 8 



Saint-Quentin recaptured by Allies, 

256 
St. James's Park, lake in, drained, 30 
St. Mihiel salient flattened out by 

Americans, 248 
Salonika 
Allies land at, 57 
Front, 136 

Triumphant advance by Allies on, 
248 
Saluting abolished in Russian Army, 

152 
Sands run out, the, 263 
San Gabriele, Italian success at, 176 
Santa Klaus, Punch welcomes, 195 
Scapa Flow, German Fleet surrenders 
at, 272 

Germans scuttle their warships at, 
290 
Scarborough bombarded, 15 
Scott, Admiral Percy 

Expert adviser to Lord French, 77 
Scrapper scrapped, the, 165 
Secret 

Diplomacy, 205 

Session, 120 
Sedan, American Army reaches, 264 
Serbia 

Austrians and Germans invade, 57 

Liberation of, 270 

Overrun, 70 
Servant 

Domestic, problem, 132 

Officer's description of, 131 
Sevastopol, Germans Teach, 222 
Shaw, Mr. Bernard 

Colossal arch-super-egotist, 144 

Visits Front, 138 
Shirkers' War News, 22 
Shortt, Mr., appointed Chief Secre- 
tary for Ireland, 223 
Siegfried line, 146 
Sinn Fein 

Creed of, 223 

Excesses, 182 

Plays at war, 280 
Smart people, callousness of, 184 
Smith-Dorrien, General, ait Le Gateau, 2 
Smuts, General, commands in East 

Africa, 74 
Soissons, Germans capture, 220 
Soldier and civilian, 257 



302 



Soldiers, British 

Cannot imitate Hun, 287 

OTdeal on Western Front, 229 

Tribute to, 208 
Solid, xiv. 
Some bird, 41 
Somme 

Battle of the, commences, 97 

Guns heard in England, 97 

Results of Battle of the, 98 
"Song of Plenty," 229 
South-West Africa 

German, gives in to Allies, 74 

Germans poison wells in, 32 
Spanish influenza, 241 
Speaker of House of Commons re- 
elected, 280 
Spee, Admiral von, goes down with 

his squadron, 15 
Spies, German, 2 
S-purlos versenkt, 174 
Spy-hunting in East Anglia, 30 
Spy play, emergence of, 38 
Storm driven, 249 
Strain on the affections, 121 
Strasbourg, 276 
Strauss, Herr, does not sign German 

artists' manifesto, 26 
Study of Prussian household having 

its Morning Hate, 27 
Sturdee, Admiral, 15 
Submarine frightfulness, the new, 

commences, 78 
Submarines, British, in the Baltic, 50 
Submarines, German 

Cornered, 174 

Grimby's fight against, 28 

Locked up, 230 

Torpedo British battleships, 10 
Suffragists' cause triumphs, 198 
Suits, standard, 212 
Sumner, Lord, on Houses of Parlia- 
ment, 77 
Sunlight-loser, the, 115 
SuvLa Bay, British heroism at, 50 
Sweden assists German Secret Ser- 
vice, 174 
Sweepers of the sea, 109, in 
Swooping from the West, 147 

Tanks, coming of the, no 

Tannenberg, Russian repulse at, 2 

Tares, the Sower of, xiii. 

T.B.D., 14 

Territorials 

Doing great work in India, 51 
Efficiency and keenness of, 10 
Mobilised, 6 

Teutons, panegyric of, in Die- Welt, 38 

Thiepval taken by Allies, 110 



Index 



Threatened Peace Offensive, 221 

Thrift campaign, 50 

Tirpitz, Grand Admiral, dismissed, 

82 
Tisza, Count, admits defeat, 257 
To all at home, 197 
Tommy, British 

Needs no vocabulary, 69 

Philosophy of, 66 
To the Glory of France, 79 
Townshend, General 

Besieged in Kut, 70 

Heroism of his force, 65 
Tramcar humour, 55 
Tramps disappear from England, 101 
Transitional period, 274 
Trawlers, honour due to, 28 
Trenchard, General, retires from Air 

Staff, 218 
Trenches, sportsmanship of, 38 
Trench warfare commences, 10 
Trials of a camouflage officer, 176 
Trotsky released from internment, 167 
Tsing-tau, Japanese take, 12 
Tuber's repartee, the, 164 
Turiey 

Appeals to Berlin for funds, 199 

Defeated in Caucasus, 20 

Defeated on Suez Canal, 24 

Enters war, 12 

Granted armistice, 257 
Two Germanies, the, 5 
"Two heads with but a single 
thought," 08 



U-boat interned at Cadiz, 180 

U-boats 
Appear off U.S.A., 116 
Sir E. Geddes's diagram re, 211 

Ulstermen and Conscription, 198 

Unauthorised flirtation, an, 67 

Unconquerable, 9 

Unemployment dole, 288 

United States 
Accused of stealing cypher key, 175 
German propaganda in, 26 
Issues warning Note on neutral trad- 
ing, 20 
No peace with Hohenzollerns, 175 

Unsinkable Tirp., the, 53 



V.A.D., tributes to, 171 

Venizelos, M., resumes power, 42 

Verdun 

Germans closing in on, 83 
Struggle around, begins, 74 
Triumph of French at, 128 

Versailles 
Conference, 204, 264 



Versailles {contd.) 

Council, foresight of, 218 

Peace signed at, 290 
Very much up, 237 
Victory ! 265 

Vienna, peace kite-flying at, 66 
Villager, English, and prospects of 

invasion, 18 
Vimy Ridge, Canadians capture, 

HS 
Volunteers, training of, 38 
Von Pot and von Kettle, 244 



Wales, South 

Miners' strike, 46 

Provides recruits, 46 
Wanted — a St. Patrick, 90 
War 

Anniversaries of, 47, 102, 168, 242 

Cabinet, Mr. Henderson resigns 
from, 173 

Changes wrought by, 252 

Conference of the Empire called, 
128 

Daily cost of, 126 

Loans, 12, 40 

News, the shirkers', 22 

Pictures, 240 

Propaganda, need for a, at home, 
117 

Teaching geography, 200 

Vocabulary, 55 
Ward, Colonel, defends Compulsory 

Service Bill, 69 
Warsaw, Russians lose, 47 
Waterloo Campaign and Great War, 

24 
Wayside Calvary, the, 48 
Weddings, khaki, 42 
Well done, the New Army, 99 
Wemyss, Sir Rosslyn, on R.N. and 

mercantile marine, 239 
Whigs and Tories, strife between, re- 
vived, 82 
Whitby bombarded, 15 
Wilhelm I.'s message to wife, 23 
Wilhelmshaven indefinitely closed, 92 
William o' the Wisp, 29 
Wilson, General, appointed Chief of 

Imperial Staff, 204 
Wilson, President 

And the Lusitania, 36 

Declines to be rushed, 52 

Forbearance of, 74 

His Fourteen Points, 258 

Last Note to Germany, 264 

Launches a new phrase, 130 
Wittenberg, ill-treatment of prisoners 

at, 83 
Wolff, mendacity of, 23 



303 



Index 



Woman Power, 226 
Women 

Belgian, used as a screen, 5 

Driving vans, 30 

Gardeners, 55 

Licensed as taxi-drivers, 139 

Obtain the Vote, 198 

Opportunities taken by, 95 

Punch delighted at their varied 
work, 96 

Undertake men's work, 6 

War and poetry, 247 
Word of ill-omen, a, 159 
Wotan line, 146 

Breached, 250 
Wounded, return of, to England, 54 



Ypres 
Germans repulsed at, 36 
Germans stopped at, n 
Second battle of, 32 
Third battle of, commences, 163 



Zeebrugge, naval exploit at, 216 
Zeppelin, Count, swears to destroy 

London, 114 
Zeppelins 

French bag several, 184 

One brought down at Cuffley, no 

Plague of, stayed, no 

Raid encourages emulation, 87 



Printed by Cassbll. & Company, Limited, La Bbllb Sauvage, London, EC .4 

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